Play Video Games Like a Boss!

This post is not what it seems; titles can be deceiving.

I don’t mean how to play like your boss, who I’m sure is a fine human being by the way. And I don’t mean how to play video games like a boss (read: total badass or cool person or whatever people mean by “boss”). No, I mean how to play video games like a decent video game final boss, which is a lot harder to imagine.

So, please, allow me to explain how that might work. And while you read, you should imagine yourself as a Bowser, Ganondorf, etc., who is playing a video game. Oh, and by decent final boss I mean a challenging enemy character who you fight at the end of the game.

1. Save yourself until the end

Don’t break a sweat. Let the protagonist rush through levels, while nearly suffering a stroke, to save the princess. Instead of attacking him or her, you should take a little “me time.” You know: read, work out, eat a smoked meat sandwich, work on your tan, talk to your money manager about your portfolio. Anything but thinking about or attacking the protagonist. That’s your evil minions’ job for now. Then — maybe — draw up a plan for the final battle.

2. Show some self-respect

Take care of yourself because no one else will. You think those lowly minions you hired, with their scratchy claws, care about you? Pft! Nah. They’re walking right up to that protagonist and practically begging for her to stomp on them.

And for goodness’ sake, cover up your weak spot! It means you might last longer in the final battle. Plus no one wants to see your junk waggling all over their TV screen.

3. Bust many moves

If your enemy memorizes the timing of your one devastating attack, you will never win. Sheesh! I thought you would have learned that after you died so many times.

Don’t just have one devastating attack: learn one hundred or more. You must learn new moves to keep your enemy guessing. I suggest enrolling in an online continuing education program and getting a certificate in conflict — without all that peace junk — studies.

4. Throw mud in their eye

I hope you slept through your ethics class. Do anything you have to — I don’t care what — to beat the protagonist. Your best hope is that the player will rage quit instead of beating you. Then, if you’re lucky, that player might pass the game on to a friend to renew the cycle of rage quitting and frustration. Ah good times.

5.  Prepare to cry… and die

You can’t always win. But if you’re interested in cheating, you should contact me for video game boss consulting. Just call me Astro Adam — consultant to some of the world’s worst final video game bosses. If you find yourself in a particularly sticky situation, you should ask about my emergency advice hotline.

If you were a video game final boss, how would you play video games?