Tag Archives: humor

My Video Game Console Took over My Living Room

I woke up one Saturday morning to the sounds of shrill shouting. As I tip toed toward my living room, the shouting became louder. My teeth chattered. My knees buckled. What could it be?

Rolling thunder made a rumbling sound as if someone was moving heavy furniture on the floor above me. A crack of white-hot lightning bleached the sky as I sauntered past the window. And then I saw it.

I saw a face with a nasty snarl, pointy teeth and menacing eyes. It looked like an evil Jack O’Lantern; only the face was on my TV set!

As I scanned the living room, I noticed all of my electronics were standing in a long line in front of the TV. They looked like a set of dominoes. I could only tell the electronics apart because they sported long, sad faces, each one longer and sadder than the previous one.

My cellphone, my other video game boxes, game controllers, remotes, and blu rays were all there. They huffed and puffed while running to join the line. Like trees, the DVDs showed their age by the multiple rings that ran around them.

What were they doing? They lined up to bow before the TV and offered it gifts. They brought surge protectors, extension cords and a new set of speakers.

“Yes, yes bow down before me—the master of the living room. I am the supreme video game console of the universe,” the TV bellowed.

I noticed my video game console glowed an unearthly hue and levitated off of the table. The console was just using my TV as a mouthpiece to broadcast its message of world domination.

I rubbed my eyes and could now see clearly. My console had taken over my living room!

Your Video Game Console is Coming for You Next

It can happen to anyone. Just think about how much your console does for you and what it might want in return.  Oh,the horror! The horror!

1. Games

You couldn’t resist the bright and shiny allure of a new console. Then, once you got one, you needed something to play. Slowly, you amassed a heap of game boxes that you’ve scattered across your living room.

2. Motion Controls

So you’ve got your TV remote and maybe another remote for movies. Now you’ve got motion controllers and Kinect there.

3. Movies and TV

These are wildly popular. Who knows what’s next?

Keep your eyes open and always beware what lurks in the shadows. You’ve been warned.

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Filed under Video Game Technology

Interview: Generic Space Marine

Video game space marineWelcome back to my series of posts where I get up close and personal with video game characters. Inspired by Wreck-It-Ralph, I travel into video game worlds to interview their denizens.

For today’s interview, I traveled deep into the dark recesses of space until I stumbled upon a strange sight. It was half human and half machine. On top of its head was a massive helmet that almost weighed more than me. It wore a shade of generic green space marine armor. I was in awe.

On with the show.

***

Me: So you spend a lot of time in space. You say you just flew back from space to earth for this interview. Are your arms tired?

SM: That some kind of joke, punk? Let me tell you the story of a giggling joker ripped apart by alien lasers. He won’t laugh ever again.

Me: What were you doing in space?

SM: I took the fight to the alien home world. Stole some of their guns too and that really made their green blood boil.

Me: Have you been on any other missions lately?

SM: I did some covert ops, government cover ups, redacted files, blah, blah, blah. I’d tell you more but then I’d have to blast you.

(Cracks knuckles)

Me: Uh ok. Does it hurt when you are repeatedly shot during missions?

SM: Nah, my life is not the slightest bit realistic. I completed all my missions despite absorbing thousands of bullets. My eyes saw everything painted red, and my heart pounded so loud that passersby could hear it. But I mostly just walked it off or took cover and regained perfect health. Even when the damage became overwhelming, I’d get back up, dust off my shoulders and try again.

Me: Wow! Do you think medical science will ever let all of us just walk off illness? Could you hold the secret to curing all disease?

SM: How should I know bub. I’m just a space marine.

Me: How do you handle all this blood and killing? Do you ever get sick of it?

SM: Nah I love it! (Punches his fists together).

Wait (sheds a tear)… I – sometimes I long to bake cookies, skip through grassy meadows on warm spring days and pick up pretty purple flowers.

But it can be so lonely sometimes being a war machine. People don’t know that I find it hard to express my feelings, display emotions or show affection. Why, the other day, I picked up a flower but accidentally crushed it with my powerful grip.

I long to share my feelings, to take this mask off… I think it all goes back to the fact that my parents didn’t love me enough as a child. My dad was a cold space marine in the 8 bit days and my mom…

Ah what am I talking about! Delete that from the interview. I’ve got a persona to keep up. (Chomps freshly lit Cuban cigar and blows smoke into my face.)

Me: (cough, cough) Right… So you’ve appeared in a lot of games. Do you ever play them?

SM: Definitely not! And you shouldn’t either. They’re a waste of time and they kill brain cells. I’ve taken enough brain damage in the line of duty. Thank you very much. Oh, and don’t forget to buy my new game on Christmas.

Me: Ok, I think we’ve covered you’re games enough. Tell me what you like to do for fun?

SM: Take my tank for a stroll through the streets and shoot anyone who looks like a bad guy.

Me: That sounds like vigilante justice. What if they’re not a bad guy?

SM: Listen, pal, I’m not a detective here, alright? I don’t investigate everyone before I shoot. That wouldn’t make for a thrilling game. I also don’t come down to where you work and tell you what to do.

Me: How about loving and eating? How do you do that when your helmet is always on? Doesn’t it get dirty?

SM: You don’t want to know, pal.

Me: What’s it like being a space marine? I mean doesn’t it get lonely?

SM: Oh it gets so lonely sometimes that I want to cry. (Audible sniffles)

Me: Is that – Is that a tear running down your visor?

SM: No, no it’s nothing. Next question!

Me: Do you think about anything besides death?

SM: I’m programmed and hard-wired to focus on those.

Me: But do you have any free will or are just a digital killing machine?

SM: Whoa, whoa, whoa… don’t get all egghead on me.

Me: You’re not that bright. Are you?

SM: That’s it! I’ve had just about all I can handle of you. Come here so I can beat the living brains out of you.

(I run off. The interview ends)

So the space marine in your video game may seem invincible. But they might also have unresolved childhood issues, anger management and difficulty expressing emotion. Guess it’s not so great to be a space marine after all.

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Filed under Video Game Misc.

The Undead Speak

Video game zombie interviewWelcome to a new series of posts. Inspired by Wreck-It-Ralph, I travel into video game worlds to interview their denizens.

For today’s interview, I travelled deep underground until I smelled a foul stench. It was zombies. A huge horde of them with their putrefied flesh stood before me. Pretending to be half dead – which isn’t all that difficult for me to do on a weekday morning – I slunk through the hoard. I searched for some intelligent companionship in the crowd.

A tame half zombie, apparently not yet turned, approached me. He explained he could speak, reason, laugh and love because he still had a large part of his brain. He was only bitten last week. And now he was my test subject – er – I mean interviewee.

***

Q: Do you like to live as a zombie?

I was human until last week when one of the undead bit me. I have to say that it has been a dramatic change. In fact, it stinks. It stinks worse than my rotten flesh.

You get up in the morning, take the subway to work and, unless there is a system crash, you charge the protagonist. Then you die and do it over again until you want to rip off your own arms. Oh, wait…

My life is not all bad though. Sometimes the protagonist makes stupid mistakes, and my friends and I gorge on his brains. The protagonist’s AI partner is particularly stupid, and we enjoy munching on his brains too. Sometimes you’ll see the partner charge right into us or run around in circles because of a glitch. What a rube!

(His green face lights up a little. He smiles and some black pearls fall out of his mouth)

But this terrible hunger never abates. Speaking of which, didn’t you say you had some lovely brains for me?

Q: Uh, no… anyway, let’s change subjects. Do you ever get lonely?

Yes, it can be tough out here for a zombie. We have to hustle everyday for the brains to survive. But most of my friends are boring.

The zombie horde is only made up of 4 or 5 identical zombies. That’s because the game I live in only has that many zombie skins. The game studio was too lazy to add more. So we all think alike and look alike. It gets old down here fast.

Q: You sound a bit depressed. Why do you bother to rise from your grave in the morning?

To be honest, I like to indulge in the arts, culture and gourmet foods. I like to stay fit and healthy to keep up my natural green glow.

If it wasn’t for these finer things, I would have no reason to stay undead. I would delete my code from the game.

Also, I really like brains!

Q: I see. Do you do anything else besides eating brains and playing in video games?

Well, my agent and I have big plans after this video game season. We’re making moves into movies. That’s where the money is. And that’s where you get respect and fame.

Take a look at zombies in movies and what do you see? They only work a couple of hours a day, they have palatial estates and fast cars. Yes, my next stop is Hollywood. Nothing can stop me.

But before I do that… I want brains, brains, brains!

***

Interviewers note:

At this point, the zombie started to rub his belly and point to a large bubbling cauldron. He approached me and tapped my head with his index finger. After these actions, I ran as fast I could and the interview concluded.

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Filed under Video Game Misc.