“Mark It Zero!”: The Game That Should Have Been at E3

Big Lebowski video gameWe saw a deluge of new games this week at E3, but I think we’re still missing one. That, my friends, is a Big Lebowski game.

What would a Big Lebowski video game play like? Tuck your mind into it’s warm bed and let me handle this perplexing problem for you, man. I’ve come up with three far out games that should appeal to all you Little Lebowskis.

Game idea # 1. The platformer that leaps over all the others

You find yourself in a strange, dark mansion wading through a maze of cob-web covered hallways. You fumble for a light switch and come across a picture of Nancy Reagan. You’re in a 8 bit version of The Big Lebowski’s mansion! Only it’s more like a haunted mansion.

Suddenly a man in black leather charges toward you with his sword. Watch out! He’s a nihilist.

“Don’t worry, Donny, these men are cowards.” That’s right: you only need to hurl yourself into the air and drop down like a brick to turn them into pancakes.

Then a group of golden coins shines so brilliantly that you can’t you ignore them. As you pocket the gold, you find bowling balls; lift them up and you’ll see that they’re 1 ups.

Now you’ve got to find Bunny Lebowski. She’s gone missing and The Big Lebowski fears the worst, but “she probably kidnapped herself.”

You don’t have much time to chew over theories because things get crazy. The Big Lebowski himself charges at you, in his flying chair, and you have to dodge his attacks.

After you do all that, you find out Bunny was hiding in another castle. Go on and keep looking.

You can play as these fine characters:

• Maude – She can jump so high that she practically disappears off the screen. Plus she zips along levels faster than you can do up your jacket zipper.

• Walter – He’s a tank on legs: his armor absorbs attacks and he deals significant damage. But he’s slow and can’t jump high.

• The Dude – A lazy man but also a “hero.” He’s your all round best bet with average jumping, speed and armor. But, hey, that’s just like my opinion, man.

Game idea # 2. Lebowski Bowling

Do you think this calls for Kinect or other motion controls? I hope not.

Anyway, you Donny and Walter have a lot of work to do if you want to roll into the finals. That’s where you have to strike out Jesus Quintana and O’Brien. Just watch out for the Jesus because he doesn’t let anyone mess with him. That guy is also a crazy pervert.

Walter’s a bit of a problem on your own team, too. If he gets incensed, his rage meter boils, and he pulls out his gun. Whatever you do, just don’t go over the line with Walter. Otherwise, he’ll “mark it zero!”

Game idea # 3. The Dude in a mystery adventure game (the title itself is still a bit of a mystery to me)

Super sleuth Jeff Lebowski, known as the dude, is on a mission. He’s sniffing around town for a Bunny Lebowski and starts his search in an old mansion. While searching face down on the ground, he finds a severed toe. Where did it come from?

The Dude turns to Da Fino, a Brother Seamus, for help. They embark on a hardboiled journey through the seedy side of L.A. to find the victim and the perp.

That’s all that I’ve got. Note: this blog post was mostly a lazy excuse to talk about my love for the Big Lebowski.

What do you think a good Lebowski game would look like?

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