If Video Games Had Footnotes

[Loading screen]

Press start to play.¹ ² ³ 4 5 6

[Footnotes appear below.]‏

Notes


1. The publisher of this game assumes no responsibility for any damages, whether physical, financial, psychological or otherwise, when you play this game. By pressing start, you agree to enter a fictional world which may or may not bear resemblance to our own world. Any resemblance is purely coincidental and unintentional. One should not infer that the publisher supports ingesting magical mushrooms just because there are exotic mushrooms in the game world.

2. The first level takes place under a bright, blue sky in the game’s world. Every event that preceded this opening moment is beyond the scope of this game. We hope to subsequently make a prequel explaining the preceding events. However, any such prequel is dependent on receiving the appropriate funding, so please encourage your friends and family to buy and play this game.

3. While Metroid inspired this game, see the Metroid Prime series in particular, we have endeavored to provide both original gameplay and a unique pirate-themed setting.

4. There is a known bug where playable characters lose all the objects they have collected. This occurs when players reach the edge of the map, spin around clockwise and open their inventory. This bug is Andy’s fault, and he is sorry. He spilled piping hot coffee on his lap while programming, jumped into the air while screaming and ended up slamming his keyboard on the way down. The resulting gibberish code sneaked its way into the final game.  We hope to have a patch available one day soon.

5. If you like this game, why not consider visiting our website and subscribing to our newsletter today?

6. Thank you and enjoy the game.

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How to Fix a Broken Game

I bought a game the other day that was buggy. I don’t mean insects infested it, though there were some of these critters featured on the disc’s artwork. I mean some of the non-playable characters’ faces melted off — in a Raiders of the Lost Arkesque way — during normal conversations. I wish that was the only bug. I  also had a problem where diminutive elves looked like towering giants and towering giants looked like diminutive elves. It was madness! How could anyone release a game plagued by such problems?

I thought I could fix the game’s problems by myself. I took hours of coding classes. I took so many classes and studied so hard that I no longer saw 1 and 0’s on the screen; instead, I heard beautiful music and saw wonderful stories unfolding on the screen. But I still couldn’t figure out how to fix the problems.

I though about writing a letter to the game developer to draw the problems to their attention, and have them use their skills to fix them. But I thought they wouldn’t listen to a lone voice crying out in the wilderness. I thought it would be better to rally others to my cause, so I started a petition to get the game banned. But I still wanted to play it and thought someone should fix it for the world to enjoy.

Then I realized how to fix the game. I picked up the cracked disc, taped it back together again, and it’s been working ever since. Thanks, Scotch Tape!

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Hire A Game Portfolio Manager Today! * ** ***

Do you have so many video games that you cannot walk through your house without knocking down a tower of cases?

Then you need to hire a game portfolio manager from GPM Inc. today. For a nominal fee, we will take some of your games from you and safeguard them from undesirables.

We will also diversify your gaming assets to include a wide range of genres and systems.

At GPM, we are proud of our work; after all, there is no higher calling than managing someone else’s games.

 

∗ We may help ourselves to your games collection when you deposit them.

∗∗ We cannot guarantee you will get back all your games when you request them from us.

∗∗∗ We promise we are trustworthy.

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This Game’s Getting on My Nerves

What do you think is the most annoying trend in video games and why?

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“Murder” Was The Case

That they gave me. But I opened it, and there was no game inside. I can’t believe they would sell it to me like that.

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The Bad Guy That Got Away

“Gimme another round! And be quicker about it than the last time, or so help me I’ll—”

After he slurred his last word, the man speaking fell face first into a bowl of carrot soup. But the greasy soup could not constrain him; his face slipped out of the bowl and hit the table with a thud. Everyone sitting at the bar stopped what they were doing to look at the man in the soup. You could hear people breathing and nothing else.

“I think you’ve had enough,” said the bartender.

He lifted up the dipsomaniac’s head and wiped the pool of sunset sierra liquid from underneath his chin.

“Hmph!” was all the dipsomaniac said.

“You’ve come here every night for the last week, reeking of defeat. What the hell is going on?”

“I’ll tell you,”  said the man with the soup-stained face, “I let the boss get away.”

“Your boss got away?”

“Nah, I let the final boss escape. I’m a video game hero; I beat bad guys for a living. That’s my one job and I failed miserably. I mean,” he said as he flicked the empty shot glass with his pinky finger, “how would you feel about that?”

“That’s rough, man. But don’t look too down. Also It’s not really business-smart for me to say this, but,” he said as he snatched away the shot glass, “this isn’t the solution.”

The soup-stained man mumbled something inaudible. His eyes were downcast because he lived in a world that now always seemed overcast. He was silent for two minutes before the bartender said something.

“Hey, don’t video games usually have “continue” buttons or whatever? Can’t you get back up after failing and try again?”

The soup stained man’s eyes grew wide, and he sat bolt upright as if Zeus’ lightning had stunned him awake.

“Of course!”

He slicked back his hair with a little greasy soup, tugged on his coat until the wrinkles disappeared and rushed out the door. He only rushed back in for a second to throw a couple of gold coins on the bar before he bounced.

The bartender shook his head as he looked at the other patrons.

“Geez… Can you believe that guy? These are the heroes we have nowadays. They sure don’t make ’em like they used to. I’ll tell you that much.”

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You Learn by Playing

The stairs told a story about the family living there with each creaky step that Sandra took. The staircase could fill volumes with details about its occupying family’s life. It saw laughter strong enough to hurt one’s sides, as well as tears of sorrow and joy. Each step Sandra took was deliberate and firm enough to startle a nearby centipede, which scurried into a corner before disappearing. Her steps were firm enough that any person, not just insects, should have been aware of her approach, yet Ryan hadn’t noticed.

Sandra reached the top of the stairs when, from across the hallway, a hot, white light almost seared her eyes. The light came from behind a crack in a nearby door. Though squinting, Sandra relied on the light to guide her on the path to the door. Meanwhile, flickering images from somewhere behind the door cast ten-foot-tall shadows with giant jaws and towering teeth. Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw these monstrous images and got giant goosebumps, but she pressed forward, focusing on the door. She took a deep breath, pulled the door knob, covered her eyes for a moment and entered the room.

She smelled funky gym socks, heard strange sounds that sounded like explosions, saw a dusty calculator and several dog-eared paperbacks of Plato’s dialogues. Then she looked deep into the source of the white light: it was a T.V.., and Ryan was playing video games.

“Ok dinner’s ready in ten,” she said. “Hey, wait a minute. Aren’t you supposed to be studying?”

Ryan said, “Uh, well, I was talking to this really old guy named Socrates, and I realized all I know is how little I know. So I decided, as a starting point, to learn more about my video games.”

Sandra tilted her head, raised her eyebrow and rubbed her chin in response to Ryan’s comment.

“Well,” she said, “that’s fine as long as it came from Socrates. You can keep playing before dinner and some more afterwards.”

Then she walked out the door with a smirk on her face. When she had closed the door behind her, Ryan snickered to himself.

“Pfft! She thinks I actually talked to a dead ancient Greek dude.”

Meanwhile, as Sandra closed the door behind her, she laughed to herself.

“Haha he actually thinks I bought his story about speaking to Socrates. But I’m glad he’s reading.”

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Filed under Silly Video Game Inspired Fiction