I Angered the Video Game Gods

I stared out the window as the sky’s tears fell to the ground. These droplets also ran down the pane of glass, and for a second, I thought I was crying, as if I lacked an awareness of my own feelings. I a took a closer look at myself and realized I was crying on the inside; the droplets were tears of boredom (the ugly cousin of tears of joy). My depressing thoughts pushed me to inhale a toxic cloud of cigarette smoke before I butted out in an ash tray and dragged myself to the couch to play video games. What happened next, minus the cigarette part because I do not smoke, is a true story. I swear.

***

I booted up a cart racer and proceeded to zip past fools, leaving them dizzy, dazed and confused. Some sore loser, though, decided to ruin my fun. The sore loser was in last place and could not handle breathing in my exhaust fumes. He decided to thwart my plans for victory. He somehow managed to creep up on me and get very close, and I saw his username was SonofCronus99. “Huh,” I thought, “That’s a weird name. I wonder who that could be.” Before I could think any further, SonofCronus99 zapped my cart with a massive lightning bolt that blinded as it emerged from behind a cloud in the heavens. My cart flipped over and landed with so much force that it flattened on the ground, like a pancake. Frustrated at this race-ending disaster, I ejected the disc and slammed it back in the case because, although I was irate, I still like to keep my games in their proper boxes.

I then turned on a different console and started playing a Smash Bros. game. Things were going well enough: my opponents were not destroying me, but I wasn’t winning every match either. I was about to win a match when a Pikachu, this one named “The Big Z”, electrocuted me with a thunderbolt attack. I went flying off the stage and landed somewhere in oblivion. This sudden defeat caused steam to shoot out my ears, so I dashed outside and into the rain to alleviate my pain. In fact, the water cooled off my hot head.

I was now feeling better until there came a roar from above and a golden lightning bolt hit me faster than I could blink.  Zap! The ground beneath me shook so hard that it seemed like an earthquake was happening, and there was a massive crater beneath my feet.  Although I smelled like burnt toast and looked like it too, I was able to rest on my knees and shake my fist at the sky.

“Hey, that’s not fair! I wasn’t even playing video games that last time.”

Zeus did not care.

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If Video Games Had Footnotes

[Loading screen]

Press start to play.¹ ² ³ 4 5 6

[Footnotes appear below.]‏

Notes


1. The publisher of this game assumes no responsibility for any damages, whether physical, financial, psychological or otherwise, when you play this game. By pressing start, you agree to enter a fictional world which may or may not bear resemblance to our own world. Any resemblance is purely coincidental and unintentional. One should not infer that the publisher supports ingesting magical mushrooms just because there are exotic mushrooms in the game world.

2. The first level takes place under a bright, blue sky in the game’s world. Every event that preceded this opening moment is beyond the scope of this game. We hope to subsequently make a prequel explaining the preceding events. However, any such prequel is dependent on receiving the appropriate funding, so please encourage your friends and family to buy and play this game.

3. While Metroid inspired this game, see the Metroid Prime series in particular, we have endeavored to provide both original gameplay and a unique pirate-themed setting.

4. There is a known bug where playable characters lose all the objects they have collected. This occurs when players reach the edge of the map, spin around clockwise and open their inventory. This bug is Andy’s fault, and he is sorry. He spilled piping hot coffee on his lap while programming, jumped into the air while screaming and ended up slamming his keyboard on the way down. The resulting gibberish code sneaked its way into the final game.  We hope to have a patch available one day soon.

5. If you like this game, why not consider visiting our website and subscribing to our newsletter today?

6. Thank you and enjoy the game.

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How to Fix a Broken Game

I bought a game the other day that was buggy. I don’t mean insects infested it, though there were some of these critters featured on the disc’s artwork. I mean some of the non-playable characters’ faces melted off — in a Raiders of the Lost Arkesque way — during normal conversations. I wish that was the only bug. I  also had a problem where diminutive elves looked like towering giants and towering giants looked like diminutive elves. It was madness! How could anyone release a game plagued by such problems?

I thought I could fix the game’s problems by myself. I took hours of coding classes. I took so many classes and studied so hard that I no longer saw 1 and 0’s on the screen; instead, I heard beautiful music and saw wonderful stories unfolding on the screen. But I still couldn’t figure out how to fix the problems.

I though about writing a letter to the game developer to draw the problems to their attention, and have them use their skills to fix them. But I thought they wouldn’t listen to a lone voice crying out in the wilderness. I thought it would be better to rally others to my cause, so I started a petition to get the game banned. But I still wanted to play it and thought someone should fix it for the world to enjoy.

Then I realized how to fix the game. I picked up the cracked disc, taped it back together again, and it’s been working ever since. Thanks, Scotch Tape!

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Hire A Game Portfolio Manager Today! * ** ***

Do you have so many video games that you cannot walk through your house without knocking down a tower of cases?

Then you need to hire a game portfolio manager from GPM Inc. today. For a nominal fee, we will take some of your games from you and safeguard them from undesirables.

We will also diversify your gaming assets to include a wide range of genres and systems.

At GPM, we are proud of our work; after all, there is no higher calling than managing someone else’s games.

 

∗ We may help ourselves to your games collection when you deposit them.

∗∗ We cannot guarantee you will get back all your games when you request them from us.

∗∗∗ We promise we are trustworthy.

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This Game’s Getting on My Nerves

What do you think is the most annoying trend in video games and why?

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Filed under Video Game Trends, Video Games: Reader Q&A

“Murder” Was The Case

That they gave me. But I opened it, and there was no game inside. I can’t believe they would sell it to me like that.

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The Bad Guy That Got Away

“Gimme another round! And be quicker about it than the last time, or so help me I’ll—”

After he slurred his last word, the man speaking fell face first into a bowl of carrot soup. But the greasy soup could not constrain him; his face slipped out of the bowl and hit the table with a thud. Everyone sitting at the bar stopped what they were doing to look at the man in the soup. You could hear people breathing and nothing else.

“I think you’ve had enough,” said the bartender.

He lifted up the dipsomaniac’s head and wiped the pool of sunset sierra liquid from underneath his chin.

“Hmph!” was all the dipsomaniac said.

“You’ve come here every night for the last week, reeking of defeat. What the hell is going on?”

“I’ll tell you,”  said the man with the soup-stained face, “I let the boss get away.”

“Your boss got away?”

“Nah, I let the final boss escape. I’m a video game hero; I beat bad guys for a living. That’s my one job and I failed miserably. I mean,” he said as he flicked the empty shot glass with his pinky finger, “how would you feel about that?”

“That’s rough, man. But don’t look too down. Also It’s not really business-smart for me to say this, but,” he said as he snatched away the shot glass, “this isn’t the solution.”

The soup-stained man mumbled something inaudible. His eyes were downcast because he lived in a world that now always seemed overcast. He was silent for two minutes before the bartender said something.

“Hey, don’t video games usually have “continue” buttons or whatever? Can’t you get back up after failing and try again?”

The soup stained man’s eyes grew wide, and he sat bolt upright as if Zeus’ lightning had stunned him awake.

“Of course!”

He slicked back his hair with a little greasy soup, tugged on his coat until the wrinkles disappeared and rushed out the door. He only rushed back in for a second to throw a couple of gold coins on the bar before he bounced.

The bartender shook his head as he looked at the other patrons.

“Geez… Can you believe that guy? These are the heroes we have nowadays. They sure don’t make ’em like they used to. I’ll tell you that much.”

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Filed under Video Game Misc.