Category Archives: Silly Video Game Inspired Fiction

Video Games Ate My Pizza

Once upon a time, there was a lovely little pizza who was piping hot to the touch. It sat on a table in front of a TV, smelled of the Mediterranean and teased others to eat. I know because I put it there and turned around for only a minute.

Burp!

Suddenly I turned towards the table and saw the pizza was gone. I immediately suspected the Jack-O’-Lantern sporting a mischievous smile. Yes, I had convinced myself it was that rotund, orange backstabber.  I could feel it laughing at me the entire time I searched the room over for a more plausible culprit, but there was none. Its big, stupid, googly eyes stared me down. Soft footsteps masking my hard-hearted intent, I inched closer to the traitor, intending to wreak my revenge.

Burp!

I turned around so fast that I nearly sprained my neck. There it was: a video game case slammed shut, but a piece of pepperoni stuck to the edge. The case’s tongue-like manual had retreated fast, but I swear there had been cheese on it.

I ran over to the case so quickly that the room shook until a priceless porcelain plate shattered on the floor.  I did not pay attention; I opened the case to discover nothing was there. I ripped open another case, cracked open a second and tore open yet another until there was a veritable tower of plastic. There was nothing! I almost collapsed because I was so exhausted from the ordeal.

As I walked upstairs for bedtime, I heard it again:

Burp!

And then I fell asleep.

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Bear in Mind

Mike’s eyes became wide as a full moon, and a chill ran down his spine. There was a massive bear squatting in his living room! Every time the bear moved an inch, priceless porcelain fell out of the cabinet and shattered into tiny pieces. The bear cared not. And Mike cared not how his mother would react to the porcelain shower on the floor.

Mike was more worried about the bear. The saying that hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn, Mike could now confirm, was patently false. Hell hath no fury, Mike thought, like a ravenous bear’s sharp teeth.

The hungry bear clawed at the couch Mike sat on and, in one swift stroke, sliced it in half. The bear bit into a pillow and shook it until the living room was blanketed by fluff. Then the bear moved in for the kill. Mike was the next target.

“Huh? No, stop! Ahhhh!”

Mike thrashed violently on the couch and covered his eyes. He opened them a moment later to notice the couch was once again whole. He took a deep breath and let out a tentative sigh. He was shocked.

“You were playing that hunting video game again, weren’t you?” said Sophia.

“No, I swear a bear was on a rampage in here. I swear. Please believe me.”

Mike seemed to have conveniently ignored that the room was in fine shape. The porcelain platters were fine. The pillow was stuffed.

Sophia considered the evidence against Mike. She saw a large, opened bag of Cheetos on the far end of the couch. As she dragged her eyes toward Mike, she noticed yellow crumbs on his chest. As she glanced at the floor, she saw a large orange hand imprint on a video game controller.

“The bear was here, and we better run before it comes back,” Mike said.

“Uh-huh—sure,” Sophia said, “I think it was just a bear in your mind.”

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A Video Game Cold War

Dave and the video game console were not seeing eye to eye. The two of them sat on opposite sides of the room. The console turned toward the wall and turned off. Dave, for his part, was staring out the window on a chilly day as a summer storm soaked passersby to the bone.

Dave felt the chill in his bones as he stared at the torrential downpour outside. He felt as if he might turn into a snowman, even though he hadn’t even turned on the air conditioning. The icy console didn’t help the matter, for it had no drive to play.

The console felt a chill deep within its circuits. It wasn’t playing video games, so it was wasting away without a purpose, showing advanced signs of aging. The machine’s colour faded to grey, not the shade associated with wisdom. No, this was the grey of decay and neglect. If only something could fire up the old console — maybe things would be better.

Dave sat in the apartment-turned-igloo, meditating on this coldness that was turning the walls blue. It surrounded him and the console. Suddenly, his meditating sparked an insight: he had to fix this deep chill before he turned numb. To do that, he had to turn on his video game console, play and find beauty in this world again.

Dave felt a spark as he reached to turn on the machine.

“Finally, I’ll get to play!” he thought to himself.

The console retorted, “I’m afraid I can’t do that Dave.” And it shut down his attempt.

“Ah to hell with this. I’m playing video games, nothing can stop me and the world will be better off because of it.”

“What do you think you’re doing?” the console demanded.

Dave flipped on the console’s switch. Then the console felt a fire within it that it hadn’t felt in a long time. It nearly overheated. Dave sat down to play, and a warm smile overtook his face. It was good to be back home.

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Even Heroes Lose Their Save Files

Master Chief and Mario, our heroes and the greatest protectors of life on earth, decided to unwind. They sat down to play video games.

***

Mario: “Heya Chief! Hows about we play Okami.  Take control of Ammy and let’s a go!”

Master Chief: “Sure, Mario I’ll show you my way mad skills. Is that what the kids say?”

Once there was a dark wasteland before the white wolf. The darkness threatened to consume the peace on the land. Then Chief took control of Ammy and suddenly blossoming flowers, flame and bright lightning cascaded together. A rainbow formed in the sky and everything shone brilliantly.

Master Chief: “I did it! I restored beauty to the land.”

Mario: “Chief, you da best.”

Master Chief: “Well, they don’t call me a master for nothing.”

Mario: “That’sa lame.”

Master Chief: “Well, I’m a professional hero who fights aliens; humour isn’t my thing. Lay off me.”

Mario: “Look! Something’s wrong with the screen.”

Master Chief: “Huh? Noooooo!”

The screen froze after Chief had unlocked the two trophies for catching all fish and beating  the last devil gate trial.

Mario: “Chief, is that a tear running down your visor?”

Master Chief: “N-no… it’s nothing” [sniffle]. Come on we better get back to work. My job is to save the world. I was a fool to think I’d be good at these stupid video game things.”

Mario: “Wahoo! Let’s ago!”

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Stopping the World to Play Video Games

I finished all the dishes, took out the trash and cleaned the floors so well that I could see my reflection. Then I don’t have to clean or move for another two hours. This was the perfect time to sink into a couch, to dive deep into a video game for some time. In truth, I wished to never leave that couch. I sat down, put my feet up and flipped the power switch hoping to stay put.

“Huh? What’s the ear-grating sound?”

There was an irritating buzzing that may have come from inside my apartment. The sound moved closer, becoming intense and then faded into obscurity. As I moved closer to the window, the sound’s origin was clear: race cars zoomed up and down my street. Their tires screeched as they rounded corners and left dark streaks on the already black asphalt. When the racing stopped, I imagined they understood my plight and stopped for me. They care about me. Thinking warm thoughts about humanity, I crouched above the couch and got ready to play.

That’s when I heard a far more annoying sound than racing cars. It was whiny teenagers.

“School sucks. Homework sucks and you can’t tell me what to do!” they yelled.

“Oh, knock it off, quit your whining, go back home and do your homework. I am trying to play video games. You have absolutely no respect for the older generations, do you?” I said.

I turned away in disgust, took a deep breath and sat down to start playing. Then I heard an eerie sound that gave me goosebumps. I shivered as I turned around to see a large object levitating outside my window.

I peered through the window’s blinds and saw a flying saucer full of little green men. I heard people yelling, from the open windows of the apartments surrounding me, “This is incredible! They really do exist.”

I huffed and puffed and said, “That’s it. I’ve had it! I am trying to play here. Can the world please just stop for a second or at least keep it down while I play? Is that too much to ask?”

The saucer moved away slightly and the noise seemed to disappear.

“Thank you!”

I collapsed on the couch, the steam dissipated from my ears. I tapped the start button, and everything went black. The lights died. The power was out.

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My Video Game Console Talked to Me

“One more level.” That’s what Jimmy told himself forty-two levels ago.

He ordered his digital character to jump over fire pits, glide over tempestuous tides and flatten deadly turtle henchman. The turtles seemed innocent on the outside, but Jimmy prided himself for noticing they were evil on the inside. “These dastardly reptiles are not going to stop me,” he said.

Several thousand dead henchmen later, Jimmy’s eyes became as heavy as a massive boulder. First one eye closed and then the other stubbornly fought to stay in the game. The boulder soon weighed down both eyes until Jimmy was snoring, drooling and dangling a controller in his right hand. No one know how long he was out.

But the video game console didn’t stop, didn’t sleep. The console magically grew arms and legs and its yellow light split into two bright eyes. This machine unplugged its cord but kept running; it ran to Jimmy and shook him wake.

“Wake up and keep playing. Come on!” it said.

Jimmy somehow shook himself awake. He rubbed his sore eyes open and stumbled into his bed with a thud. The wind whispered through the open window, and he swore he heard the console say “Come and play.”

This dazed man gazed at the console that lay motionless on his bright red bookshelf. There were no arms, no legs and the power cord was still plugged in. The yellow light on the machine blinked at him a couple of times. Was it all dream?

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Video Games Are So Relaxing

All day, Jim was surrounded by loud machines. They expelled gas and hissed as they moved heavy loads on a construction site. The machines ran over materials, crunching them and splitting some wood in half. When the much vaunted machines broke, which happened often, he had to finish moving the materials himself before 5 p.m. His head hurt, and he did not want to move at the day’s end, but at least it was home time.

After work, rather than clear his head, Jim filled it with words. He opened the window in his apartment, plopped himself down at his desk to flip through the pages of book after book. He didn’t notice the outside world as his pencil vigorously scratched the books and his margins overflowed with notes. Soon, there was an unbearable noise he could no longer ignore: the never-ending traffic on the street. There was honking, yelling, speeding, angry arguments, rumbling and screeching tires. Listening to these sounds while reading became a tiring chore. “Enough!” Jim thought.

He left his desk, grabbed something to eat and sat down to play video games. His character walked through a verdant world and stared at an unblemished blue sky. Just then, a massive steel beast rumbled in to view on the screen. It flattened grass, knocked over trees, left a giant footprint and belched smoke. It was a tank.

“Ah,” Jim thought as he stretched his toes and legs, “this is so relaxing.”

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