Tag Archives: boss

Come Back When They’re Dead

The two henchmen were so small that they could barely reach the knob of their boss’s door. One had to hop on the other’s head and, while shaking, managed to knock on the door. The butler took two minutes to answer because he could not hear the tender tapping at first. The butler then ushered them into a room with a fireplace and a large chair, facing away from them, that cast a monstrous shadow over the henchmen. Their knees trembled, their fangs chattered and they turned white before they started stuttering.

“B-b-boss?”

“Argh! What do you want?”

The boss opened his massive jaw and blasted a huge fireball from behind the chair.

One of the henchmen scampered behind the other one. This hidden henchman, shaking, peered out from behind cover only to duck its head again after seeing the fire had not subsided.

“W-we came to give our report.”

“Did you take care of Mario and Luigi once and for all?”

“N-n-n no sir. They got away with all the coins.”

“What!”

A second fireball, which dwarfed the first and seemed to go supernova, scorched the ceiling. For a second, the fireball also illuminated the mantelpiece above the fireplace — where a row of milky white skulls sat like ducks in a row. The fire dissipated, but a small puddle of liquid had already appeared behind the henchmen taking cover, who now steeled himself for an attack.

“Where are they now?”, the boss demanded.

“We don’t know.”

“Do you think you can find them?”

“We don’t know.”

“How many gold coins did they get away with?”

“We don’t know.”

From behind the chair, the boss let out a thunderous roar. It shook the china in the cabinet until it fell to the ground and shattered. Then he issued his decree:

“Come back when they’re dead. Then I shall have another trophy to place atop my fireplace.”

“Y-y-y yes boss!”

They trembled all the way as they walked towards the door and stumbled out into the night. Soon a lightbulb went off in one of the henchmen’s heads, and he shared his idea with his friend.

“Hey, wait a minute. We don’t have to do this or take that from him. I mean, we could just take the gold coins I stashed in my pocket and run.”

“I don’t know… You heard what he said. I don’t want to end up on his mantelpiece because we didn’t finish this.”

“Oh, come on. He can’t tell us henchmen apart, and if we don’t use these coins then Mario will probably just steal and waste them. Look at these coins: they’re practically begging for us to spend them.”

“Alright, but we better start running now and never look back.”

As they dashed away into the night, they dropped some glittering gold that showed everyone their path.

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Termination Letter from a Video Game Boss to a Henchman

You’d make an effective doormat.

How can I maximize my coins when you constantly shuffle in late to work and fail to destroy my enemies? I mean, you let the “good guy” and his loser brother stomp on you. Other times, you let them hop over you while you walk away in the opposite direction.

When the good guy jumps over you, you should pursue him to the next level, but you don’t. You just sit there and don’t even warn the other henchmen to attack the incoming enemy. Your communication skills leave much to be desired.

Your coworkers find it hard to both talk and work with you because you have such a bad attitude. We see you have a permanent frown painted on your face and you stick out your fangs all the time like some of kind mean, land lubbing walrus. I expect more from my henchman.

I’ve only kept you at the company this long because I have a serious shortage of skilled labour. The “good guy” has squished too many of my most hard-working and loyal henchmen. How I wish he could have squished you in their place.

I’m sorry, but you can no longer be one of my henchman. Good day!

Sincerely,

Mr. Evil Boss

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Play Video Games Like a Boss!

This post is not what it seems; titles can be deceiving.

I don’t mean how to play like your boss, who I’m sure is a fine human being by the way. And I don’t mean how to play video games like a boss (read: total badass or cool person or whatever people mean by “boss”). No, I mean how to play video games like a decent video game final boss, which is a lot harder to imagine.

So, please, allow me to explain how that might work. And while you read, you should imagine yourself as a Bowser, Ganondorf, etc., who is playing a video game. Oh, and by decent final boss I mean a challenging enemy character who you fight at the end of the game.

1. Save yourself until the end

Don’t break a sweat. Let the protagonist rush through levels, while nearly suffering a stroke, to save the princess. Instead of attacking him or her, you should take a little “me time.” You know: read, work out, eat a smoked meat sandwich, work on your tan, talk to your money manager about your portfolio. Anything but thinking about or attacking the protagonist. That’s your evil minions’ job for now. Then — maybe — draw up a plan for the final battle.

2. Show some self-respect

Take care of yourself because no one else will. You think those lowly minions you hired, with their scratchy claws, care about you? Pft! Nah. They’re walking right up to that protagonist and practically begging for her to stomp on them.

And for goodness’ sake, cover up your weak spot! It means you might last longer in the final battle. Plus no one wants to see your junk waggling all over their TV screen.

3. Bust many moves

If your enemy memorizes the timing of your one devastating attack, you will never win. Sheesh! I thought you would have learned that after you died so many times.

Don’t just have one devastating attack: learn one hundred or more. You must learn new moves to keep your enemy guessing. I suggest enrolling in an online continuing education program and getting a certificate in conflict — without all that peace junk — studies.

4. Throw mud in their eye

I hope you slept through your ethics class. Do anything you have to — I don’t care what — to beat the protagonist. Your best hope is that the player will rage quit instead of beating you. Then, if you’re lucky, that player might pass the game on to a friend to renew the cycle of rage quitting and frustration. Ah good times.

5.  Prepare to cry… and die

You can’t always win. But if you’re interested in cheating, you should contact me for video game boss consulting. Just call me Astro Adam — consultant to some of the world’s worst final video game bosses. If you find yourself in a particularly sticky situation, you should ask about my emergency advice hotline.


If you were a video game final boss, how would you play video games?

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