Category Archives: Video Game Misc.

If Video Games Had Pop-Up Ads

John couldn’t sit still and was on the edge of his seat as he reached the end of the game. This is his internal monologue.

***

I’ve slayed all the evil beasts who have gnarly, grimy claws in their smokey dens of inequities. I’ve restored peace throughout the kingdom, toppling the dragon tyrant from his throne of bones. And now I’ll open this door to save the princess.

[Squeak]

Yay! There she is.

“Oh, thank you dearest prince…”

Are you paying too much for car insurance? Click here to find out.

Hmmm maybe I am paying too much. I… Oh great! I missed everything she said.

Ugh! I guess I’ll just reload the save and try again. OK, a hack here and a slash there, and the dragon falls with a thud — again.

Call today to book your pest control appointment.

Well, I guess I have a lot of bugs in my apartment because I keep replaying this game instead of cleaning. Maybe I will give them a call to… No! I missed the ending again.

Alright, I scale the castle walls, swim the shark infested moat, raise my shield, hack, slash and thud again. Oh, rats, I spilled my Pepsi all over my new carpet. I’d better find something to wipe it up before my girlfriend kills me for ruining the rug. I told her I’d clean up my act.

1 weird trick to get rid of cola stains.

Hey, wait a minute here. How would the console know what I’m thinking, or could it be telling me what to think?

Quit asking so many questions and keep playing.

Ok, reload, scale the walls, swim moat, raise shield, hack, slash and thud again.

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The Games We Play with Eachother

“First I’m going to chop down all of your trees, and use the lumber to build my palace. Then I’m going to pillage your castles and plunder all your loot from rickety, old treasure chests. I might leave you a few sheep if I’m feeling generous.”

Steve, clutching a controller on his couch, clicked a button to execute his cruel plan.

“You said you wouldn’t take my lumber! You always ruin the game”, said Susan. “That’s it; I’m leaving and you can play by yourself.”

Suddenly Susan swung open the door and a woosh of cold Fall air entered along with Maple leaves. Then the door slammed should. The game stopped.

Dave rounded the corner, entering the living room and furrowed his brow.

“What was that about? Why’s Susan so angry?” Dave asked.

“Ah, This is just the game we play while we’re playing this game. She’ll forgive me and come back to play more.”

“You sound pretty confident about that,” Dave replied.

“Yeah, look I’ve left her some sheep.”

 

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What Makes A Video Game Good?

It’s the game’s willingness to stand up to evil. I mean, to stand in the face of evil, despite hot and stinky breath that manages to wilt beautiful faces.

It’s self-sacrificing love: understanding the other may be too tired to play.

It’s doing countless selfless acts, even those that seem insignificant, like helping an old lady cross the street. This includes stopping to pick up the cabbage she dropped and then letting ducklings cross the road.

It’s taking care of friends who are left on the shelf because no one wants to play with them.

It’s experiencing all that life has to offer, understanding the world, making good judgments and acting on them.

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You Can Save the World (And Here’s How to Do It)

By now, you’ve explored most of the world around you. You’ve probably loved many people and felt loved by others. You’ve probably experienced joys and sorrows, and highs and lows. I bet you feel like the world is worth saving. Here’s how to do it.

  1. Open the main menu.
  2. Scroll to the bottom of the menu.
  3. Click “save”, open a new file and click “confirm.”

That is all.

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Go Get an Extra Life

The Earth stood still yesterday.  I’m not sure why. I do know I stared through my window at a bright blue sky for some time and saw no movement.

I had hoped to see something interesting outside, and I was hoping not to spy a Rear Window style murder. I was at least expecting to see or hear something moving on the street or in the buildings nearby. But the only movement came from my clock. Its tick tocks, by contrast with outside, were deafening.

I scanned the never-ending walls of glass and brick apartments that surrounded me. Everything I saw was dark. Was nobody home playing video games? I mean, what else could they possibly be doing with their time? Who would not want to play video games?

Some of the brick building denizens, I imagine, might reply you can’t have a life when you play video games. But there are so many extra lives to be found in games. Go get yourself one.

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Half-Truths Video Games Told Me

Video games told me I could fly. I’ve been standing here all day on the balcony wearing feathers and nothing’s happened.

Video games told me I could run without getting tired, but I can’t run around a major metropolis for hours without losing my breath.

Video games told me I could save the world… Well, I’m working on that — one level at a time.


Wish me well as I beat my dastardly flu into submission. I will reply to all old comments soon.

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The Art of Standing in A Crowded Subway Train

Everyone wants a cushy seat on the subway. Few people receive the  seat they deserve. Often they are forced to stand in a crowded train, without air conditioning, on a hot summer day. They wonder, “Why am I here?” I won’t pretend to address the more existential aspect of this question, but I will talk about the irritating subway situation.

How one should conduct oneself in a crowded train? You should give up your seat for mothers and children, the elderly and families. Sometimes you should step off the train and let people exit before getting back on yourself. Sometimes you’re lucky enough to get your own seat and not need to give it up. But what do you when there is standing room only on the train?

Look at the space available and adapt to it. This is where a good knowledge of video games, such as Tetris is helpful. Like the “Z” piece, twist your arms in one direction while your legs move in another direction. Or consider tucking in your arms, legs and back and standing straight like “|” in the corner.  Then it could be a decent ride. As people leave the train, you might be lucky enough to stretch your legs in an “L” position while you stand as straight as “|”.

Your fellow citizens love you because you know how to stand on crowded train. They’ll be grateful you’re not falling on them as the train lurches forward, scalding them with their own piping hot coffee. You can tell them you learned this  skill from video games.

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