Category Archives: Video Game Misc.

Even Heroes Lose Their Save Files

Master Chief and Mario, our heroes and the greatest protectors of life on earth, decided to unwind. They sat down to play video games.

***

Mario: “Heya Chief! Hows about we play Okami.  Take control of Ammy and let’s a go!”

Master Chief: “Sure, Mario I’ll show you my way mad skills. Is that what the kids say?”

Once there was a dark wasteland before the white wolf. The darkness threatened to consume the peace on the land. Then Chief took control of Ammy and suddenly blossoming flowers, flame and bright lightning cascaded together. A rainbow formed in the sky and everything shone brilliantly.

Master Chief: “I did it! I restored beauty to the land.”

Mario: “Chief, you da best.”

Master Chief: “Well, they don’t call me a master for nothing.”

Mario: “That’sa lame.”

Master Chief: “Well, I’m a professional hero who fights aliens; humour isn’t my thing. Lay off me.”

Mario: “Look! Something’s wrong with the screen.”

Master Chief: “Huh? Noooooo!”

The screen froze after Chief had unlocked the two trophies for catching all fish and beating  the last devil gate trial.

Mario: “Chief, is that a tear running down your visor?”

Master Chief: “N-no… it’s nothing” [sniffle]. Come on we better get back to work. My job is to save the world. I was a fool to think I’d be good at these stupid video game things.”

Mario: “Wahoo! Let’s ago!”

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Filed under Silly Video Game Inspired Fiction, Video Game Misc., Video Games I Play

What if a Video Game Final Boss Was Your Boss?

It might seem like a dream job at first. “Yay! I’m in the video game industry because I work for a final boss,” you might think. “I’ll get to play video games all day,” you might expect. Wrong!

You will be making coffee runs for a hideous fire-breathing monster, also known as Bowser, who smells like burnt rubber. You won’t have to think about video games when you do that. You will make many sacrifices.

Yes, you will have marathon sessions that last all day and night, but you won’t playing any games. Instead, you’ll play the role of a pawn who does the boss’s bidding during those hours. You’ll probably find yourself fighting your favourite heroes because the boss says so.

Welcome to the “real world” of video games. Don’t let the boss chew you up and spit you out.

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A Conversation with A Video Game Zombie

“Hello everyone and welcome to another thrilling episode of ‘Behind the Video Game.’ I’m your host Chad Baker, and I like to interview the talent behind the video games you love. I also like to search out the unknown stories behind your favourite games. Tonight, I’m speaking to ‘generic zombie #099.’

But, hey folks, I’m gonna quit yappin’ so we can start the interview.”

***

The zombie’s exposed skull is dripping wet. A large chunk of brain falls from its head and splats on the ground.

Chad: “Oh, I think this belongs you.”

Chad picks up the chunk of brain and plops it back into the zombie’s hollow head.

Zombie: “Err” [grunts].

Chad: “So, tell me, how did you get started in this business? What was your big break?”

Zombie: “Grrrrrrrrrr”

Chad: “Ha! Ok, not everyone likes to talk about their past. I get it.

I understand you appear in an upcoming game. Tell me about the work you’re doing on the new Left 4 Dead. How’s that going?”

Zombie: [Screeching and hissing].

Chad: “I see. Boy am I hungry! Let’s you and I get a bite to eat. That’ll help break the ice, and maybe make you feel a little more at home.”

Suddenly, the chain tying the zombie to his chair snaps. The undead monster lurches forward with an outstretched and rotten arm.

Zombie: “Brrrrraiiiins!”

Chad: “Oh my! This interview is over. Tune in next week, folks, when we talk to a Goomba. In the meantime, run!”

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Filed under Video Game Misc.

Video Game Zombies Take a Break

A sinister night has descended upon an innocent town. A large, white moon provides a touch of light and beauty. Then the camera reveals two zombies standing peacefully on a plain black road with a bright yellow line. The zombies are surrounded by trees that seem even darker than the road’s asphalt. Nothing else is visible. There is no escape.

Zombie 1: “Hey Fred, how long you been out here?”

Zombie 2 takes his cigarette out of his mouth and turns around. One of his eye balls is hanging by a thread.

Zombie 2: “Ha! Too long, Sam; this new guy is terrible.”

Zombie 1: “Yeah, I’ve heard things: I heard he once got lost at the start menu.”

Zombie 2: “You heard right. You know, I saw him wandering around in circles for 30 minutes. I just shook my nearly hollow and decomposing head. Then I had to stop and have a smoke to settle my nerves.”

Zombie 1: “Man, they sure don’t make gamers like they used to.”

Zombie 2: “You’re right about that my friend. You’re right about that.”

Awkward silence.

Zombie 1: “Hey, so, did I tell you my son is getting married?”

Zombie 2: “Wow! That is great news. Little Jimmy is all grown up, huh?”

Zombie 1: “Yeah, yeah and it feels like it was only yesterday when his mother and I watched him eat his first brains. We’re so proud. Now Sarah and I are thinking about retiring. I mean we paid off the mortgage and…”

Zombie 2: “Look! Here he comes. Act stupid.”

Zombie 1 and 2: [Snarling] “Grrrrrrrr Brains!”

Player 1 ran in to a tree and appeared on screen. He looked up and then down and couldn’t walk in a straight line.

Zombie 1 and 2: [Sighs].

Zombie 1: “This is going to be a long night.”

Fred shakes his head and Sam facepalms himself.

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Filed under Video Game Misc.

That One Video Game You Regret

The bright, shiny box beckons Sam to open it. She pauses and doesn’t act because she knows better than to judge a video game based on its cover. “Must look away,” she says to herself. But the game sends out rays of light that entrance her and make her dance with delight into the store.

Once inside the store, she has a moment of clarity when seeing herself in a mirror. She twists her face away in disgust. She don’t like what’s there. “That isn’t me. I’m too deep for a game that shallow,” she says to herself. And she believes it.

She believes until she finds herself paying and carrying the game out of the store. She’s holding the very object she swore to avoid at all costs, yet she pushes that uncomfortable thought to the back of her head. She moves forward with great strides and throws her nagging suspicions aside.  She is too euphoric to see straight.

Then she gets home, plays the game straight through and beats it. “Oh wait”, she says, “How did I ever end up buying this junk?”

The trance wears off, the rays disappear into the air and her mind is clear. Clutching a black controller in one hand and staring into space, Sam now asks herself “What was I thinking?”


Have you ever regretted buying a video game and what was your experience like?

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Filed under Video Game Misc., Video Games: Reader Q&A

Video Game Substitutes Are Sweeping the Nation

Are you cool? Well you might be very uncool and not even know it.

Here’s a simple test: do you still play video games? If you answered yes, then you’re uncool. Video games are so last year, and the cool kids would never be caught playing them.

Do you want to be cool? Then play video game substitutes just like everyone else.

Start by taking out the trash to the front of house. Do this while jumping over the cracks in the sidewalk to avoid falling into a fiery lava pit beneath you. You might not see the pit, but rest assured, it has claimed many victims and their stinky garbage.

The most popular substitute, though, is dish washing. Wash and dry your dishes — by hand — before the timer runs out! You want to talk about survival horror? Try surviving the horror of a sink overflowing with dirty dishes.

In short, video game substitutes are sweeping the nation, and offering you the chance to be cool. Don’t delay! Pick up a broom and sweep the front porch.

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Filed under Video Game Misc., Video Game Technology

Try These Video Game Substitutes

Life has a way of keeping you from playing video games. You’re ready to play but then there’s a massive power outage in your neighbourhood. Or you have to catch up on your homework because you’ve used that “my dog ate my homework” excuse too many times. Maybe you’re faced with a laundry list of chores.

You have to do these tasks and probably see them as a pain you can’t avoid. At best, you might see them as a thing you’re doing when you could be playing video games. However, you could look at these tasks in a different way.

You see, these tasks could be a fun game to pass the time. The tasks or chores could become video game substitutes. They are substitutes because they temporarily replace the video games you really want to play until you have time to boot up your PC, handheld or console. They are not video games, and they are not slickly produced by a team. All you need to start playing these substitutes is an imagination.

Here are some game substitutes you can try today. Play concentration while sorting your socks. To start, pull your crackly, staticky socks out of the dryer, throw them in a hamper and mix them up. Then, see how many pairs you can match before you crave video games and break into a sweat. If you’re living on your own, like me, the game might break down eventually when you’re left with an odd number of unmatched socks.

You could also time yourself while you clean your pots, pans and kitchen after a big party. See if you can clean up this mess before the five-minute timer runs out.

Finally, you could pretend the stains on your kitchen floor are aliens who have enslaved humanity. Every time you wipe one away, you are freeing your brothers and sisters from servitude. You’d have fun playing, have a clean apartment and save humanity. Thank you in advance.

Do you not have enough time in your life to play video games? You should give video game substitutes a chance. You might find you like them even more than the real thing.

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Filed under Video Game Misc.