Category Archives: Video Game Misc.

The Art of Standing in A Crowded Subway Train

Everyone wants a cushy seat on the subway. Few people receive the  seat they deserve. Often they are forced to stand in a crowded train, without air conditioning, on a hot summer day. They wonder, “Why am I here?” I won’t pretend to address the more existential aspect of this question, but I will talk about the irritating subway situation.

How one should conduct oneself in a crowded train? You should give up your seat for mothers and children, the elderly and families. Sometimes you should step off the train and let people exit before getting back on yourself. Sometimes you’re lucky enough to get your own seat and not need to give it up. But what do you when there is standing room only on the train?

Look at the space available and adapt to it. This is where a good knowledge of video games, such as Tetris is helpful. Like the “Z” piece, twist your arms in one direction while your legs move in another direction. Or consider tucking in your arms, legs and back and standing straight like “|” in the corner.  Then it could be a decent ride. As people leave the train, you might be lucky enough to stretch your legs in an “L” position while you stand as straight as “|”.

Your fellow citizens love you because you know how to stand on crowded train. They’ll be grateful you’re not falling on them as the train lurches forward, scalding them with their own piping hot coffee. You can tell them you learned this  skill from video games.

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Why Do We Do Chores in Video Games?

We whine about doing chores, yet we enjoy tending to our gardens in video games. Why is that?

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Even Heroes Lose Their Save Files

Master Chief and Mario, our heroes and the greatest protectors of life on earth, decided to unwind. They sat down to play video games.

***

Mario: “Heya Chief! Hows about we play Okami.  Take control of Ammy and let’s a go!”

Master Chief: “Sure, Mario I’ll show you my way mad skills. Is that what the kids say?”

Once there was a dark wasteland before the white wolf. The darkness threatened to consume the peace on the land. Then Chief took control of Ammy and suddenly blossoming flowers, flame and bright lightning cascaded together. A rainbow formed in the sky and everything shone brilliantly.

Master Chief: “I did it! I restored beauty to the land.”

Mario: “Chief, you da best.”

Master Chief: “Well, they don’t call me a master for nothing.”

Mario: “That’sa lame.”

Master Chief: “Well, I’m a professional hero who fights aliens; humour isn’t my thing. Lay off me.”

Mario: “Look! Something’s wrong with the screen.”

Master Chief: “Huh? Noooooo!”

The screen froze after Chief had unlocked the two trophies for catching all fish and beating  the last devil gate trial.

Mario: “Chief, is that a tear running down your visor?”

Master Chief: “N-no… it’s nothing” [sniffle]. Come on we better get back to work. My job is to save the world. I was a fool to think I’d be good at these stupid video game things.”

Mario: “Wahoo! Let’s ago!”

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Filed under Silly Video Game Inspired Fiction, Video Game Misc., Video Games I Play

What if a Video Game Final Boss Was Your Boss?

It might seem like a dream job at first. “Yay! I’m in the video game industry because I work for a final boss,” you might think. “I’ll get to play video games all day,” you might expect. Wrong!

You will be making coffee runs for a hideous fire-breathing monster, also known as Bowser, who smells like burnt rubber. You won’t have to think about video games when you do that. You will make many sacrifices.

Yes, you will have marathon sessions that last all day and night, but you won’t playing any games. Instead, you’ll play the role of a pawn who does the boss’s bidding during those hours. You’ll probably find yourself fighting your favourite heroes because the boss says so.

Welcome to the “real world” of video games. Don’t let the boss chew you up and spit you out.

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A Conversation with A Video Game Zombie

“Hello everyone and welcome to another thrilling episode of ‘Behind the Video Game.’ I’m your host Chad Baker, and I like to interview the talent behind the video games you love. I also like to search out the unknown stories behind your favourite games. Tonight, I’m speaking to ‘generic zombie #099.’

But, hey folks, I’m gonna quit yappin’ so we can start the interview.”

***

The zombie’s exposed skull is dripping wet. A large chunk of brain falls from its head and splats on the ground.

Chad: “Oh, I think this belongs you.”

Chad picks up the chunk of brain and plops it back into the zombie’s hollow head.

Zombie: “Err” [grunts].

Chad: “So, tell me, how did you get started in this business? What was your big break?”

Zombie: “Grrrrrrrrrr”

Chad: “Ha! Ok, not everyone likes to talk about their past. I get it.

I understand you appear in an upcoming game. Tell me about the work you’re doing on the new Left 4 Dead. How’s that going?”

Zombie: [Screeching and hissing].

Chad: “I see. Boy am I hungry! Let’s you and I get a bite to eat. That’ll help break the ice, and maybe make you feel a little more at home.”

Suddenly, the chain tying the zombie to his chair snaps. The undead monster lurches forward with an outstretched and rotten arm.

Zombie: “Brrrrraiiiins!”

Chad: “Oh my! This interview is over. Tune in next week, folks, when we talk to a Goomba. In the meantime, run!”

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Video Game Zombies Take a Break

A sinister night has descended upon an innocent town. A large, white moon provides a touch of light and beauty. Then the camera reveals two zombies standing peacefully on a plain black road with a bright yellow line. The zombies are surrounded by trees that seem even darker than the road’s asphalt. Nothing else is visible. There is no escape.

Zombie 1: “Hey Fred, how long you been out here?”

Zombie 2 takes his cigarette out of his mouth and turns around. One of his eye balls is hanging by a thread.

Zombie 2: “Ha! Too long, Sam; this new guy is terrible.”

Zombie 1: “Yeah, I’ve heard things: I heard he once got lost at the start menu.”

Zombie 2: “You heard right. You know, I saw him wandering around in circles for 30 minutes. I just shook my nearly hollow and decomposing head. Then I had to stop and have a smoke to settle my nerves.”

Zombie 1: “Man, they sure don’t make gamers like they used to.”

Zombie 2: “You’re right about that my friend. You’re right about that.”

Awkward silence.

Zombie 1: “Hey, so, did I tell you my son is getting married?”

Zombie 2: “Wow! That is great news. Little Jimmy is all grown up, huh?”

Zombie 1: “Yeah, yeah and it feels like it was only yesterday when his mother and I watched him eat his first brains. We’re so proud. Now Sarah and I are thinking about retiring. I mean we paid off the mortgage and…”

Zombie 2: “Look! Here he comes. Act stupid.”

Zombie 1 and 2: [Snarling] “Grrrrrrrr Brains!”

Player 1 ran in to a tree and appeared on screen. He looked up and then down and couldn’t walk in a straight line.

Zombie 1 and 2: [Sighs].

Zombie 1: “This is going to be a long night.”

Fred shakes his head and Sam facepalms himself.

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That One Video Game You Regret

The bright, shiny box beckons Sam to open it. She pauses and doesn’t act because she knows better than to judge a video game based on its cover. “Must look away,” she says to herself. But the game sends out rays of light that entrance her and make her dance with delight into the store.

Once inside the store, she has a moment of clarity when seeing herself in a mirror. She twists her face away in disgust. She don’t like what’s there. “That isn’t me. I’m too deep for a game that shallow,” she says to herself. And she believes it.

She believes until she finds herself paying and carrying the game out of the store. She’s holding the very object she swore to avoid at all costs, yet she pushes that uncomfortable thought to the back of her head. She moves forward with great strides and throws her nagging suspicions aside.  She is too euphoric to see straight.

Then she gets home, plays the game straight through and beats it. “Oh wait”, she says, “How did I ever end up buying this junk?”

The trance wears off, the rays disappear into the air and her mind is clear. Clutching a black controller in one hand and staring into space, Sam now asks herself “What was I thinking?”


Have you ever regretted buying a video game and what was your experience like?

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