Category Archives: Video Game Misc.

Hell Is No Other People

Maybe video games don’t need other people, but I do. I also need love, water and sunshine, near a nice windowsill, to grow. Oh and some good food too. How about you?

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Beware The Cereal Killer!

He is a menace stalking your neighborhood, looking for his next target. He is the cereal killer, and he is coming for your boxes. Watch out because he sneaks passed defenses and break into people’s home on Saturday morning.

He plops himself down on your couch, rips open all of your cereal boxes and puts his feet up on your coffee tables. He likes to play all your video games while munching on Lucky Charms. Do you only have “healthy cereal”? Yes, he devours everything and leaves only a trail of crunchy crumbs, soft marshmallow bits and scratched game discs in his wake before destroying the next house. The cereal killer thinks he gains experience points to level up each time he plays and eats because he has constructed an elaborate, imaginary game world in his head.

I have warned you.

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If Video Games Had Footnotes

[Loading screen]

Press start to play.¹ ² ³ 4 5 6

[Footnotes appear below.]‏

Notes


1. The publisher of this game assumes no responsibility for any damages, whether physical, financial, psychological or otherwise, when you play this game. By pressing start, you agree to enter a fictional world which may or may not bear resemblance to our own world. Any resemblance is purely coincidental and unintentional. One should not infer that the publisher supports ingesting magical mushrooms just because there are exotic mushrooms in the game world.

2. The first level takes place under a bright, blue sky in the game’s world. Every event that preceded this opening moment is beyond the scope of this game. We hope to subsequently make a prequel explaining the preceding events. However, any such prequel is dependent on receiving the appropriate funding, so please encourage your friends and family to buy and play this game.

3. While Metroid inspired this game, see the Metroid Prime series in particular, we have endeavored to provide both original gameplay and a unique pirate-themed setting.

4. There is a known bug where playable characters lose all the objects they have collected. This occurs when players reach the edge of the map, spin around clockwise and open their inventory. This bug is Andy’s fault, and he is sorry. He spilled piping hot coffee on his lap while programming, jumped into the air while screaming and ended up slamming his keyboard on the way down. The resulting gibberish code sneaked its way into the final game.  We hope to have a patch available one day soon.

5. If you like this game, why not consider visiting our website and subscribing to our newsletter today?

6. Thank you and enjoy the game.

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Hire A Game Portfolio Manager Today! * ** ***

Do you have so many video games that you cannot walk through your house without knocking down a tower of cases?

Then you need to hire a game portfolio manager from GPM Inc. today. For a nominal fee, we will take some of your games from you and safeguard them from undesirables.

We will also diversify your gaming assets to include a wide range of genres and systems.

At GPM, we are proud of our work; after all, there is no higher calling than managing someone else’s games.

 

∗ We may help ourselves to your games collection when you deposit them.

∗∗ We cannot guarantee you will get back all your games when you request them from us.

∗∗∗ We promise we are trustworthy.

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“Murder” Was The Case

That they gave me. But I opened it, and there was no game inside. I can’t believe they would sell it to me like that.

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The Bad Guy That Got Away

“Gimme another round! And be quicker about it than the last time, or so help me I’ll—”

After he slurred his last word, the man speaking fell face first into a bowl of carrot soup. But the greasy soup could not constrain him; his face slipped out of the bowl and hit the table with a thud. Everyone sitting at the bar stopped what they were doing to look at the man in the soup. You could hear people breathing and nothing else.

“I think you’ve had enough,” said the bartender.

He lifted up the dipsomaniac’s head and wiped the pool of sunset sierra liquid from underneath his chin.

“Hmph!” was all the dipsomaniac said.

“You’ve come here every night for the last week, reeking of defeat. What the hell is going on?”

“I’ll tell you,”  said the man with the soup-stained face, “I let the boss get away.”

“Your boss got away?”

“Nah, I let the final boss escape. I’m a video game hero; I beat bad guys for a living. That’s my one job and I failed miserably. I mean,” he said as he flicked the empty shot glass with his pinky finger, “how would you feel about that?”

“That’s rough, man. But don’t look too down. Also It’s not really business-smart for me to say this, but,” he said as he snatched away the shot glass, “this isn’t the solution.”

The soup-stained man mumbled something inaudible. His eyes were downcast because he lived in a world that now always seemed overcast. He was silent for two minutes before the bartender said something.

“Hey, don’t video games usually have “continue” buttons or whatever? Can’t you get back up after failing and try again?”

The soup stained man’s eyes grew wide, and he sat bolt upright as if Zeus’ lightning had stunned him awake.

“Of course!”

He slicked back his hair with a little greasy soup, tugged on his coat until the wrinkles disappeared and rushed out the door. He only rushed back in for a second to throw a couple of gold coins on the bar before he bounced.

The bartender shook his head as he looked at the other patrons.

“Geez… Can you believe that guy? These are the heroes we have nowadays. They sure don’t make ’em like they used to. I’ll tell you that much.”

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Let Me Break Down This New Game for You

I put the shiny, new case on the table, and it stared back at me, teasing me. I had no idea what to expect until I opened the game, experienced it and judged it wisely.  I started by ripping open the lifeless, clear plastic and tossed it aside, for I was only interested in the contents of the case.

I opened the case and a golden disc nearly blinded me. The disc reflected my face, and I didn’t like the decadence that I saw, didn’t like how it filled the windows to my soul and didn’t like how the glittering gold seemed like dirt I couldn’t wash off. I decided then and there to break down the game and review the experience for you.

I picked the disc up and, using my hands, warped it until a crack in its little world formed. A little piece of the world then broke away, falling to the ground. For some variety, I warped the disc up and a mountain formed for less than a second before a second piece fell away. After these two chunks disappeared, I decided I knew enough to write my review, even though I hadn’t finished the experience.

Overall, I’d say it was a solid game — albeit rough around the edges by the end — and well made.

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