Tag Archives: aliens

Extra! Extra! Read all about it.

Dear Diary,

I set sail for Earth last week on the 246th of Quazar. My official mission was to catalog the humans so that we might prepare for our coming invasion. But I spent a lot time as I watched them play video games.

They play these games on a screen because, as far as I can tell, it is fun and relaxing. I endeavored to understand these abstract concepts but could not come up with a concise, concrete definition.

I found it strange how they played these games. There was no regulatory mind control body, like on our planet, that told people how to behave. There didn’t seem to be any standards. Some played while standing, others lay on their couch like potatoes. Some played alone while others played in groups. A large percentage stood in front of their TV and waved their arms like they were crazy.

In fact, I found those who stood in front of their TV to be the oddest gamers of all. On the one hand, many humans, including gamers, exercise outdoors to stay healthy. They know they can’t play games all day indoors. Yet, I saw some gamers exercise in their living rooms; their underwear on while they stood transfixed in front of the TV. They used video games as an exercise aid that told them what to do.

It gets weirder still. I studied human musicology—from Amadeus to ZZ Top—and discovered musicians and composers have immense skills and knowledge. Yet, I would watch humans slap, again in their underwear, plastic guitars. They thought they were rock stars, but they looked ridiculous in their living rooms.

I was—at first—impressed with the humans. However, I lost immense respect for them after I watched how they played video games. So I recommend that we do not invade this planet. The humans are not a worthy foe and there is nothing on their planet that we want.