When Video Game Characters Meet to Make a Video Game

Princess Peach: “Okay everyone I’m calling this meeting to order. We’re here to discuss the new video game we want to develop.”

Nathan Drake: “I’ll be in charge of this journey. Now we’ll start by going to Tangiers to steal all the jewels before we look for the hidden treasure in South America.”

Lara Croft: “No, Nathan, we’re talking about making video games, not stealing. We don’t want to steal gamers’ money, we want to earn it. Let’s entertain ideas from the board.”

Master Chief: “We need to manufacture a new enemy; we need to fight aliens we haven’t seen before.”

Kratos: “I second that.”

Alan Wake: “I think the enemies should hide in the darkness and lunge at the hero with an axe. We should throw in an ineffective flashlight — just for fun.”

Gordon Freeman: [Waggles wrench in the air and makes swiping motion.]

Obligatory Zombie: “Brrrraaains!”

Princess Peach: Okay, so we have wrench-wielding Alien Zombies who eat brains and hide in the darkness. But we can’t have both wrenches and axes; that would be an extravagance. Mario, you have the final word. What do you think?

Mario: “Let’s a go! Wahoo!”

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Why Video Game Characters Would Make the Best Video Games

Video game characters are tired of people using them. They want to be the masters of their own destiny, not our play things in a virtual sandbox. The characters want to stand proud, make their own games and improve their lives.

First, video game characters will take control of game development. They’ll take the money out of the creative process. They will be less beholden to massive corporations for financial support because they have funds in their own games — from resplendent coins to swelling treasure chests. They could take this money and make any kind of game they want. They could work any amount of hours and not rush game development.

Then they could set the number of hours they had to work in the finished game. You know, most people assume video game characters love to work 40 hour shifts while their human owners play marathon sessions. Not so! In fact, a recent poll indicates eight out of every ten characters would prefer to star in a good two-hour game. They would love feeling rested instead of pinching themselves to stay awake at 3 a.m. These time limits would probably improve both gamers’ and the characters’ health.

Video game characters’ health would certainly improve because they could make games without facing imminent death. Unlike most blood drenched shooters, they would create games where they lived longer than five seconds. The characters could expand their lifetimes and lessen violence. While doing so, they would be taking thematic risks since violence is a prevailing theme in video games. Perhaps they could promote peace over violence. We could all benefit from lasting peace.

“But video game characters,” you might object, “don’t have the skills necessary to manage a team or construct games.” Don’t underestimate the talents and intelligence of some of the smarter characters. They could lead others and teach them the skills to develop fun games. In addition, the characters have years of field experience: they know what “gamers” want.

Video game characters are going to make the world a better place. They’ll start by taking control of video game development and taking the money out of the process. They’ll make thematically interesting games. And they’ll improve working conditions, so they can live longer and work less. All hail our video game character overlords.

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Filed under Video Game Technology, Video Game Trends

It’s Going to Be a Long Day

While searching for crystal shards, I wondered around in circles for hours because I didn’t have a map. The map cost 1000 shards. I have 10 shards.

***

I finally came to a new door and path, but I couldn’t enter it because I forgot the skeleton key. The skeleton key is back where I started.

***

I went to save the princess, but she was in another castle.

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I’ve Lost My Video Game Memory

I climbed up a mountain until every muscle in my body ached. I collapsed and camped out while waiting for a blizzard to pass before I could continue. Then I set out for the mountain peak. I nearly froze, but I reached the top feeling full of joy as I planted my flag. From the peak, I surveyed the land around me: I saw the highs and lows of the world. Yet I didn’t see my memory card. Then I climbed down and even rolled down the mountain for a while after tripping without getting a scratch on me.

I wandered far away until I reached verdant hills and unspoiled skies. I saw trees above and below me in a beautiful valley. I looked high and low in the valley but couldn’t find my Nintendo memory card.

I left the valley for more exotic lands. There were no more trees and no more frosty mountain peaks to scale. Cold winds would no longer hold me back or turn me into a snowman. In place of mountains, I found tall pyramids and mounds of sand. The hot sand stung my feet and made me wish I could majestically soar above the desert instead of trudging through it on foot. I reach the tallest pyramid with toasty soles, and I scanned all around me. But I still couldn’t find it.

Has anyone seen my Nintendo memory card? I’ve lost my video game memories.


Have you ever lost a memory card or the save files for a video game you loved, and what was your experience like?

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The Video Game Strikes Back!

Steve was ready to defeat the mechanized T-Rex boss. He had a bowl of nachos, a strategy guide and a map spread out on his couch. The nachos, of course, were for nourishment. The strategy guide was to help beat the boss because Steve had failed to do so after 77 attempts. He would not stand for 78. And the map served as a visual reminder of his failures. You see, using large blood red blotches, Steve plotted out each place where his character had died while fighting the beast.

This map plotting was a painful exercise, but Steve felt it necessary. The large red blotches on the map reminded him where to avoid the beast, and the map motivated him to do better. This time, he thought, the T-Rex will be the one crying.

He wiped the nacho cheese off his face and set his sights on his goal: toppling the Dino king. Steve’s digital character took one bold step forward in the digital world. The character unsheathed his sword, steeled himself against the face of evil and readied his shield to deflect any particles.

“Ok,” Steve said, “remember to tap the A button exactly 14 times when the boss breathes fire balls.”

Huge bombs of fire then shot out of the T-Rex’s mouth and zeroed in on Steve’s character. The character dodged, ducked and dived until the bombs ceased. The bombardment had shaken Steve’s nerves, but on the surface, he was as calm as a cool lake on an early spring morning.

“Whew!” Steve exclaimed.

He had made it past the first stage. He only failed to get past this stage 25 times before.

Now he moved on to stage two — the dreaded laser zone. The T-Rex shot burning red lasers out of its eyes; they were so hot that they melted rocks and anything in sight. Sweat poured down Steve’s head as if it were Niagara Falls, and he took a big gulp. Rather than hide from these bright beams, his character jumped over the lasers like he was an expert at jump rope. The lasers nearly burned the character a couple of times, but he made it through untouched. Well, the T-Rex did singe some of the character’s hair, but Steve thought, “You can’t have everything.”

Steve wiped his brow. He made it past the second stage.

The final stage was to hit the boss’s tail. The massive spikes on the T-Rex’s back threatened to eviscerate the character, though, as he targeted the tail. You had to have perfect timing to execute this attack and avoid death. Or so Steve thought. He believed he’d messed up so often in this stage because he hadn’t been “perfect.”

Steve waited to attack. He knew the T-Rex would recharge after the exhaustive laser blast assault. He figured this was the perfect time to attack because the beast was not shooting, and it was vulnerable without a strong offense. Sure enough, the beast rubbed its tired eyes, and the character pounced on the tail, tearing it to shreds. The mighty king fell and left a cloud of dust that rivaled a demolition project.

“I did it!”

Steve jumped for joy and smiled so hard that his jaw hurt. It had taken him 78 tries, and he had finally done it. He had beaten the boss and the game at last.

“I guess I won’t need you any more,” he thought to himself.

He ran to open the window. Then he picked up the game disc, winded up his arm and flicked the game out like it was a frisbee.

“Good riddance!” he said.

He turned around and marched triumphantly toward the kitchen to grab a celebratory beer. But he was celebrating a little too early because the disc came spinning back. The disc returned with a vengeance through the window, like a boomerang, and walloped Steve in the back of the head.

“Owwww! Will this wretched game never leave me in peace?”

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Filed under Silly Video Game Inspired Fiction, Video Game Misc.

1 Weird Trick to Get Better at Video Games

To begin, you will need 500 mg of Doctor Von Blunderbuss’ magic elixir. You’ll know you have the right product when you see the green and purple bubbles boiling, and your nostrils sting from a strong a sulfur smell. After downing the bubbles, this product will ignite your adrenaline, and give you the edge you need to be a winner.

Other doctor hate this guy’s powerful elixir because he’s putting them out of business. And you can have this powerful product all to yourself to fuel your gaming marathons. But don’t stop there!

Try the new “Bat” visor with patented aim assist technology. For the visor to be effective, you must wear it all the time and learn to see the world as we want you to see it. But this control over your vision is a small price to pay. After all, you can beat the pros at their own game. You can take on gaming legends and win without them ever knowing what hit them. Now you could settle for beating the pros and other enemies, or y0u could go further. You could have these enemies begging at your feet for mercy. To get them begging, you need to use “The Edge.”

“The Edge” is a pill that has been clinically shown to eliminate all distractions from your play time. No person or thing can stop you from dominating in your digital fantasy playground. Believe in yourself. And then take this dangerous drug that allows us to control your mind, and you’ll win in no time.

Wait! You don’t need any of this junk. You want one trick to get better at video games? Play them more.

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The Video Game That No One Played

Once upon a time, a single video game sat alone on a store shelf. This lonely game wasn’t shiny like the others. It didn’t have any fancy graphics or eye-popping pictures on the box. It had no action, no blood, no violence and no aggression. The game did have layers of grey cobwebs and dust covering it.

Sometimes one could see droplets of liquid trickling down the game box, but this wasn’t someone’s attempt to clean it. The drops would trickle only in the middle of the night. Those nights in the store when feet fell silent, chatter ceased, security guards finished their last rounds and the clerk killed the lights.

Until one day when a little girl changed the story. She saw the lonely video game and heard it call to her, cleaned it off and bought it. The clerk and customers all laughed, but the little girl wasn’t going to ignore the game’s pain or let the laughter change her mind.

“Thank you for saving me from a life of endless consuming and being thrown away. I can’t wait to be free,” said the game. Then the box vanished into thin air. The little girl smiled even though she had lost the video game that called her.

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