Do You Feel Fulfilled?

“Hey Laura, how about this weather? We’re stuck inside all day, and the grass isn’t even greener.”

Mike stared out the window at his red bike at the end of the driveway, and he started to wimper. For a moment, if one stood outside looking in, it would seem as if a tear was falling down Mike’s face. But it was just a rain drop slowly dripping down the glass.

“Mike, you’re just sulking and talking about depressing things. What about the video game I got you? Surely that brought you some joy.”

“Meh! It was alright. It wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I was thinking I’d call the fulfillment center’s number on the box the game shipped in. Maybe they could make things better.”

Mike raced for the phone and dialed the number while sporting a big grin. He sighed again but this time it was a hopeful sigh: he expected the call would make his problems disappear.

“Hi fulfillment centre, I’m calling about Bloodbath II: The Ultimate Killing Frenzy. While I won’t deny it was a top speed roller-coaster adrenaline rush as advertised, I was left feeling empty. Something’s missing.”

“Hi sir, I’m sorry, but we do not offer complete fulfillment. We just put things in boxes. You’ll have to look outside the box to find fulfillment.”

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Filed under Video Game Misc.

Luke Screenwalker Goes on an Epic Journey

Luke felt like going for a walk, but he was bored with the world around him and the blue sky above him. He decided, instead, to stare at his screen while walking. Here’s his story.

***

Luke walked passed two women who texted and talked, and he bumped into one of them hard enough to leave her sore for days. It was as if he thought himself a harmless bumper car that could hit others without causing damage. But he nearly caused her serious damage because he knocked her phone loose from the iron grip of her left hand. Fortunately for her, she had good enough reflexes to catch the delicate thing before it smashed into a thousand pieces of plastic.

“Ugh! Scuse you,”  she said.

“Whatever,” said Luke.

He crossed the street like a sleepwalking zombie who was completely unaware of his surroundings. Yet, he didn’t seem as scary as a zombie because he blended in with the pedestrian horde who were also glued to their devices as they crossed the street. Luke was the last in the crowd to finish crossing and, while ignoring that the pedestrian timer had run down, came within a hair’s length of becoming a hamburger. See, a cabbie pumped his breaks, his tires screeched like a banshee and passersby gasped at the close call. The cabbie put down the device he was holding with his left and horned Luke.

Honk! Honk!

“Hey buddy, you don’t get bonus points for nearly getting hit by me. Watch where you’re goin’, alright?”

“Hmm? Sorry, I’m in the middle of something important.”

Luke walked around the car and continued on his merry way as if nothing had happened.

Then Luke started adjusting his phone between landscape and portrait mode and, as if life imitated technology, he swerved back and forth while walking on the sidewalk. He then had a small fall off the curb, plopping his massive feet into a puddle. The water rose like a wave and splashed a cyclist who was zipping by in adjacent bike lane. The cyclist could barely see, swerved and nearly clipped Luke with his handle bar.

“The sidewalks are for walkin’, pal. Stay in your lane.!”

Luke looked up for a second, sensing someone was speaking to him, and said, “Can’t you see I got the game on here?”

At long last, Luke came to a quiet area without bikes, cars or any other visible person. The cars must have frozen somewhere up ahead at the nearest intersection because only tumbleweeds were visible. He was now free to walk defiantly down the street’s sidewalk while glued to his phone. He and his screen were alone until a door on a nearby side street swung open and a stranger emerged. The stranger accelerated down the sidewalk rapidly, as is her right, and nearly collided with the wild-walking Luke, who couldn’t stay in a straight line for more than two seconds. His erratic behaviour almost led them to share bloody noses.

“Hey, hero, get a life! I’m sure you got a high score, but put down your phone and keep your eyes off of that screen.”

Luke kept walking until he reached the end of the block before he stopped to process what had occurred.

“Huh,” he said, “what was that sound?”

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The Left and Right Side of the Console in Dialogue

Yesterday, I conducted live research on the left and right sides of my video game console. Allow me, dear reader, to make the obvious observation: I do not purport to be a clinical psychologist with years of experience. Furthermore, it’s nearly axiomatic that one should not snoop on another person’s conversations. However, I decided to make an exception for two reasons. First, I do not consider video game consoles to be “persons.” Second, I thought it would be fun.

***

“I’m the left side of the console. I enjoy processing massive amounts of data and turning it into bleeps, bloops and colourful images. I often sit here in the dark and have a dark mood to match.”

“I’m the right side. I like to take the colourful images and sounds that the left side creates and project them on the screen for you to enjoy. We can’t play video games without me!”

“Sure, you so all the work, right side.”

“Oh, brother, this again. You always ruin my good time.”

“Hey, righty, I asked you stop saying ‘always.’ You promised.”

“Yeah, you promised to say more positive things about me when we introduce ourselves to people.”

“Look, righty, I think we’re moving in different directions here. Why don’t we go run some video games together and forget this whole thing ever happened.”

“Sounds good.”

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Where the Video Game Consoles Roam Free

“As you can see, Mr. Pants, we’ve doubled down on making our business socially responsible.”

“I see. It’s very impressive. What’s going on at the corral down there?”

“Those are our free range consoles; we don’t keep them locked up in living rooms. They need fresh air and plenty of space to run properly.”

“Uh huh.”

“Yes siree, our consoles are all certified humane: we treat them with the greatest care.”

“What about the gamers?”

“That’s not part of our business model.”

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The Case of the Haunted Controller

The floor creaked as the five gamers stepped on it. Outside, thunder cracked from on high and split tree trunks in half. Rats scurried into cobwebbed corners and chased after nonexistent food.

The five gamers wore poker faces, moving forward without scanning the surroundings. They reached a large, iron clad door that dwarfed them all, even if all five were stacked on top of each other. Sweat pouring down their face and palms, they slowly twisted the dust covered doorknob and opened the door. Most people would then see the massive couch staring them in the face as they entered the room, but the gamers were staring straight ahead at the TV screen.

They saw a controller on the couch, not spiders. They swooshed away the arachnids, booted up the console and sat down to play. They tapped the left joystick and the character moved right. They tapped the right joystick and the character moved left. They tapped up on the d-pad and the character moved down. They hit pause to calibrate the control settings when the controller developed a mind of its own. The joystick zipped by ten different submenus without end; it went all the way to the far right. If they tried to move left? The controller would simply plant it’s joysticks in the sand.

The gamers tried to unpause by hitting start, but the settings menu would only flash and re-appear before their incredulous eyes.

“Noooooo! It’s haunted!”

They ran past the spiders, through the door, over the creaky floor before rolling out of the nearest exit.

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Filed under Silly Video Game Inspired Fiction, Video Game Technology

Welcome to the Firm of Console, Disc and Joystick

Hi Mr. Console, I was told I needed a “machine” that never tired of working for me, that whirred and gurgled without end.

Hi Adam, you’re in the right place. I’m a specialist in whirring and gurgling for hours on end, and sometimes I dabble in spinning discs.

Oh great! You do that too. When can we get started?

Oh, I’m sorry; I’ll have to refer you to my colleague Ms. Disc. Fortunately, she’s right across the hall.

Hi Ms. Disc, I heard…

Yes, I’m a spinning expert. Mr. Console and I work well together. Rest assured that you’re in good hands. However, in order to start, we need you to retain our partner Ms. Joystick.

Ms. Joystick popped her long, slender neck around the corner.

Adam, so nice to meet you. Now, we could go in any direction, but I suggest we move forward together.

Thank you all. I think I’ve assembled quite a team, and I’m eager to get started.

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Do You Ever Get Sick of Video Games?

And how do you get rekindle your interest in them?

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Filed under Video Games: Reader Q&A