I couldn’t be bothered to pick up a controller, so I typed this post instead.
Tag Archives: lazy
“How did that video game get up there?”
“I don’t know; I don’t have a doctorate in aerodynamics. It’s been floating up there for some time.”
“Well, let’s get it down.”
“I’m not moving one inch. Let’s just let it come down when it’s ready, and we can play it again.”
“Alright, sounds like the best plan to me.”
One sunny day, I found myself sitting on the couch not knowing how I got there. This weird black thing with two joysticks fell into my hands. I didn’t know what this thing was, but I decided to tap the button in the center and see what would happen. Next, these bright colours popped up on the screen and nearly blinded me.
On the screen, my bipedal, anthropomorphic, cute and cuddly lamb character was in her warm, wooden house. I controlled her, moving her about the house while looking for things to do. Then I drew up a list of chores for the lamb to complete.
The lamb started by sweeping all the floors. Afterwards, there was enough lint and fuzz, I reckon, to make fifty fluffy blankets. Then the lamb blew on all the old NES cartridges to get rid of their dust. She bagged up all the dust and fuzz — ready to dispose of it.
Before dumping the garbage, the lamb washed all the dishes. After all, flies buzzed around the house and fed off her dirty plates. After washing, the lamb noticed some scraps had fallen off the dishes and on the floor. She reacted by cleaning the floor until its sparkle rivaled what would be one jealous diamond. Finally, she cut the grass, pulled some weeds and threw out the trash.
The lamb started to yawn and yearned to settle down for a long night’s sleep. The full moon popped up to wish her sweet dreams as she put on her slumber mask. She imagined humans jumping over fences as her eyes closed one at a time.
I shut off the game. I patted myself on the shoulder for such a productive day.
Then I got off the couch, turned around and saw my leaning stack of dishes had fragmented in to a thousand pieces on my floor. An archaeologist, one day, would be excited by such a find. For now, I moved forward and waded through a sea of garbage bags, complete with flies who’d taken up residence on top of them, in my living room.
As I reached my bedroom door, a tumbling tumbleweed of dust and fuzz rolled by me. I stopped to let it pass. I reached my bedroom window and shut the blinds to avoid the milky full moon that bathed the night with light. “Hmmm,” I thought as the blinds covered the window, “I’ll have to pull those weeds and cut that meter-long grass one day.” Then I fell on my bed and shut my eyes.
If you meet three or more items on this list, you are probably lazy. But you can improve. Here’s the list.
1. You’ve left all of your game discs on the floor, the table, or in mismatched cases. Even worse, they’ve been out for so long a thick blanket of dust has covered them. Are you going to organize them? Let’s get serious; you probably won’t.
2. The birds sing sweet songs. The sun is rising. And you’re still stuck on your couch. You clutch a controller with your claws and stare at a screen with bloodshot eyes. Is there a Visine for gamers too?
3. Your leaning tower of pizza boxes and Chinese food is about to crash to the ground. Don’t forget to clean up before the mice come.
4. You’re still playing twenty year old games because you won’t bother to buy new ones online or at the store. Is it nostalgia? Nah, new games mean you have to move, and you won’t do that.
5. There’s more dust on your consoles than the snow outside your house during a blizzard. Some of those consoles, like your Wii, have the most dust because you never use them. You’re not alone on this one.
6. You’ve played for so long you haven’t even noticed the seasons changed outside. People slip and slide all over your icy sidewalk, and you don’t care. Watch out for lawsuits.
7. You sat on the couch for so long that you started to grow roots.
The good news is that you’ve identified your problem. There’s still hope for you.