How to Become a Zombie

You don’t need a zombie to bite you. You don’t need an environmental disaster to transform you into one of the undead. There’s also no mystery about how to transform from a human to a zombie. In fact, millions of people can transform into zombies from the comfort of their living room. This practical guide allows you to play all the video games you want and still become one of the undead. You’ll crave brains in no time!

* Note: this process is expensive and can take weeks to finish.

How to Become a Zombie in 7 Easy Steps

1. First, find a desolate basement devoid of any light. A nice bunker is ideal. If you can’t find a decent abode, nail wood over the windows.

2. Ensure you have no contact with the outside world or friends and family. Contact with these people is healthy, and this behaviour is very un-zombie-like.

3. Ensure there are no food sources nearby. So empty your fridge and focus on the task at hand. Then, as a reward for your hard work, you can eat some hands as a zombie.

4. Ensure you have a comfy couch. Ideally, you want to know the couch better and can’t stand to be away from it.

5. Ensure you have all the latest video game consoles and a high-end PC. Plug all of them in front of the couch and place the handhelds next to you. You’ll want huge TVs. The TVs should make your local movie theater seem like a fossil from prehistoric times.

6. Now play video games almost non-stop for one week.

7. Your skin will slowly turn green. Most of what little brains you had will shrivel. You will start to drool puddles of saliva on yourself, but you’re not salivating because of normal hunger. Your hunger for human food – plant or animal – will dissipate. Instead, an insatiable appetite for brains will overpower all other urges.

Congrats! You’re now a zombie.

Please note: I cannot guarantee you will become a zombie.