I’m in the plumbing business with Mario and Luigi; it’s my side gig.
Me (3:oo pm):
Hey guys, I’m headin round the corner to get some coffee and donuts. You can unpack the tools, but don’t touch anything else until I get back. I gotta check out the problem before we start workin.
Me (3:10 pm):
Did you guys set up the tools? I’m about to head back.
Mario (3:11 pm):
Me (3:11 pm):
Mario (3:12 pm):
Me (3:14 pm):
😲 You knuckleheads! Why I oughta… I left you alone for five minutes, told you not to do anything and now this happens. I thought you guys had like over twenty-five years of plumbing experience.
Luigi (3:15 pm):
No, no, no! Mama mia! Ohhh boy.
Me (3:16 pm):
You guys are making us into the Three Stooges here. Let’s hope we don’t wind up in front of a judge.
Mario (3:17 pm):
Wahoo! Let’s-a go!
Luigi (3:17 pm):
Me (3:18 pm):
Heyyyy I’m not going to take the fall for this! 😠 You wise guys stay where you are. I’m coming.
Me (3:19 pm):
Oh how I wish I’d never got into this business with you. I should just stick with blogging.
Is respawning next to this crazy guy with the machine gun. Look at him: he’s just camping out there and mowing down anything that crosses his path. Can I live?
Am I a small person because I wish my video game character was taller?
Hi Mr. Console, I was told I needed a “machine” that never tired of working for me, that whirred and gurgled without end.
Hi Adam, you’re in the right place. I’m a specialist in whirring and gurgling for hours on end, and sometimes I dabble in spinning discs.
Oh great! You do that too. When can we get started?
Oh, I’m sorry; I’ll have to refer you to my colleague Ms. Disc. Fortunately, she’s right across the hall.
Hi Ms. Disc, I heard…
Yes, I’m a spinning expert. Mr. Console and I work well together. Rest assured that you’re in good hands. However, in order to start, we need you to retain our partner Ms. Joystick.
Ms. Joystick popped her long, slender neck around the corner.
Adam, so nice to meet you. Now, we could go in any direction, but I suggest we move forward together.
Thank you all. I think I’ve assembled quite a team, and I’m eager to get started.
Video games told me I could fly. I’ve been standing here all day on the balcony wearing feathers and nothing’s happened.
Video games told me I could run without getting tired, but I can’t run around a major metropolis for hours without losing my breath.
Video games told me I could save the world… Well, I’m working on that — one level at a time.
Wish me well as I beat my dastardly flu into submission. I will reply to all old comments soon.
Princess Peach: “Okay everyone I’m calling this meeting to order. We’re here to discuss the new video game we want to develop.”
Nathan Drake: “I’ll be in charge of this journey. Now we’ll start by going to Tangiers to steal all the jewels before we look for the hidden treasure in South America.”
Lara Croft: “No, Nathan, we’re talking about making video games, not stealing. We don’t want to steal gamers’ money, we want to earn it. Let’s entertain ideas from the board.”
Master Chief: “We need to manufacture a new enemy; we need to fight aliens we haven’t seen before.”
Kratos: “I second that.”
Alan Wake: “I think the enemies should hide in the darkness and lunge at the hero with an axe. We should throw in an ineffective flashlight — just for fun.”
Gordon Freeman: [Waggles wrench in the air and makes swiping motion.]
Obligatory Zombie: “Brrrraaains!”
Princess Peach: “Okay, so we have wrench-wielding Alien Zombies who eat brains and hide in the darkness. But we can’t have both wrenches and axes; that would be an extravagance. Mario, you have the final word. What do you think?”
Mario: “Let’s a go! Wahoo!”
That’s when they made games that had real substance. There were no crazy colours, no mind bending alternate realities or fancy buttons. Everything was simple and straightforward, as it should always be.
I remember that buying games was less complicated too. Why, in my day, we walked five hectares through hail sleet and snow just to buy a game, and we were better off for it. Can’t we have those days back?