Video games told me I could fly. I’ve been standing here all day on the balcony wearing feathers and nothing’s happened.
Video games told me I could run without getting tired, but I can’t run around a major metropolis for hours without losing my breath.
Video games told me I could save the world… Well, I’m working on that — one level at a time.
Wish me well as I beat my dastardly flu into submission. I will reply to all old comments soon.
Princess Peach: “Okay everyone I’m calling this meeting to order. We’re here to discuss the new video game we want to develop.”
Nathan Drake: “I’ll be in charge of this journey. Now we’ll start by going to Tangiers to steal all the jewels before we look for the hidden treasure in South America.”
Lara Croft: “No, Nathan, we’re talking about making video games, not stealing. We don’t want to steal gamers’ money, we want to earn it. Let’s entertain ideas from the board.”
Master Chief: “We need to manufacture a new enemy; we need to fight aliens we haven’t seen before.”
Kratos: “I second that.”
Alan Wake: “I think the enemies should hide in the darkness and lunge at the hero with an axe. We should throw in an ineffective flashlight — just for fun.”
Gordon Freeman: [Waggles wrench in the air and makes swiping motion.]
Obligatory Zombie: “Brrrraaains!”
Princess Peach: “Okay, so we have wrench-wielding Alien Zombies who eat brains and hide in the darkness. But we can’t have both wrenches and axes; that would be an extravagance. Mario, you have the final word. What do you think?”
Mario: “Let’s a go! Wahoo!”
That’s when they made games that had real substance. There were no crazy colours, no mind bending alternate realities or fancy buttons. Everything was simple and straightforward, as it should always be.
I remember that buying games was less complicated too. Why, in my day, we walked five hectares through hail sleet and snow just to buy a game, and we were better off for it. Can’t we have those days back?
Maybe we would spend time with video game characters if they were like people and had personalities. Maybe we would get to know them and grow old together. And maybe we could even play games with them.
I think that characters from shooting video games would probably be less popular. I mean, you would probably not befriend a violent psychopath, right? By contrast, we would probably still love Mario and think of him as being delightfully joyful. However, we’d probably be concerned about his magic mushroom consumption, and his influence on kids. Pikachu would probably remain just as loved if it were a real pet, albeit a highly dangerous one.
What do you think life would be like if video game characters were real and had personalities?
1. I wish I had more time to write stories, but I get distracted by the activities mentioned in this post.
2. Video games. Oh, boy, do I ever love them!
3. Writing cool lists and sharing them with others.
4. Blog posts. Sometimes I never finish.
I sat down to finish this post but…. Oh great a packed sink and dishwasher mean there’s no clean dishes left. Bummer! I’d clean them now but I’m so sleepy, could use a nap. Yeah, a nap will help me finish this post but better do dishes first.
Maybe I’ll finish if I pad this post with “blah blah blah”; then I’ll reach the minimum word count, like an elementary school essay. But that won’t work. Argh! Will I ever finish?
The Great Console War Comes to an End
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! The Big Three sue for peace. And I mean the Big Three because when they sit down to negotiate they take up five couches each.
Yesterday at 12 o’clock noon, the guns stopped firing. All sides shut down their massive propaganda machines. At first, it didn’t seem like the machines would stop, but they soon ran out of grease.
The factory assembly lines fell silent too. Workers put down their scorching torches and went outside to breathe fresh for the first time in years. The workers’ hammers ceased hitting nails while the Big Three hammered out a deal .
The cessation of hostilities and new-found peace could not conceal the ugly hatred in some gamers’ hearts. These gamers, spewing venom at the other side and foaming at the mouth, wanted to finish the fight. Other gamers, their loyalty to console makers stretched to the breaking point, cried with joy: the war was over for them. Life could go on.
A representative for the Big Three said: “We recommend that our millions of fans go back to their lives before the war. Enjoy video games. Enjoy life. Above all, let us learn from the mistakes of the past and build a better world.”
It remains unclear how the Big Three will enforce this peace.
Imagine a group of game developers and I sat around and came up with ideas for video games. Along the way, we made a few mistakes and threw them into garbage can. Here’s the result:
1. Mold… The Game!
It all started one day when Jimmy, a young bachelor, smelled something off in the back of the fridge. He made a big mistake, though: he ignored it. The next day he discovered that the odorous source was mold, and he made his second mistake: he ignored it again.
The next day the mold had expanded, consumed the fridge and was invading the kitchen. Hundreds of fruits, vegetables and utensils fled for their lives to avoid the unrelenting onslaught of the disgusting mold.
Now it’s time for you to help Jimmy. Fight to reclaim his kitchen and stop the blob of mold’s reign of terror!
2. Is It Dry Yet?
If you have nothing else to do, you’re going to love this game. You sit in a room and watch paint dry! Gain extra experience points if you make it to the end of the game without shutting off your computer.
3. The Little Beanstalk that Could
It grows– so slowly. Watch it every step of the way, and then climb it to enter a mysterious world. Note: it may take 1000 years to grow.
Let’s all be thankful that I don’t make video games.
Can you think of other silly or awful ideas for video games?