Princess Peach: “Okay everyone I’m calling this meeting to order. We’re here to discuss the new video game we want to develop.”
Nathan Drake: “I’ll be in charge of this journey. Now we’ll start by going to Tangiers to steal all the jewels before we look for the hidden treasure in South America.”
Lara Croft: “No, Nathan, we’re talking about making video games, not stealing. We don’t want to steal gamers’ money, we want to earn it. Let’s entertain ideas from the board.”
Master Chief: “We need to manufacture a new enemy; we need to fight aliens we haven’t seen before.”
Kratos: “I second that.”
Alan Wake: “I think the enemies should hide in the darkness and lunge at the hero with an axe. We should throw in an ineffective flashlight — just for fun.”
Gordon Freeman: [Waggles wrench in the air and makes swiping motion.]
Obligatory Zombie: “Brrrraaains!”
Princess Peach: Okay, so we have wrench-wielding Alien Zombies who eat brains and hide in the darkness. But we can’t have both wrenches and axes; that would be an extravagance. Mario, you have the final word. What do you think?
Mario: “Let’s a go! Wahoo!”
Video game characters are tired of people using them. They want to be the masters of their own destiny, not our play things in a virtual sandbox. The characters want to stand proud, make their own games and improve their lives.
First, video game characters will take control of game development. They’ll take the money out of the creative process. They will be less beholden to massive corporations for financial support because they have funds in their own games — from resplendent coins to swelling treasure chests. They could take this money and make any kind of game they want. They could work any amount of hours and not rush game development.
Then they could set the number of hours they had to work in the finished game. You know, most people assume video game characters love to work 40 hour shifts while their human owners play marathon sessions. Not so! In fact, a recent poll indicates eight out of every ten characters would prefer to star in a good two-hour game. They would love feeling rested instead of pinching themselves to stay awake at 3 a.m. These time limits would probably improve both gamers’ and the characters’ health.
Video game characters’ health would certainly improve because they could make games without facing imminent death. Unlike most blood drenched shooters, they would create games where they lived longer than five seconds. The characters could expand their lifetimes and lessen violence. While doing so, they would be taking thematic risks since violence is a prevailing theme in video games. Perhaps they could promote peace over violence. We could all benefit from lasting peace.
“But video game characters,” you might object, “don’t have the skills necessary to manage a team or construct games.” Don’t underestimate the talents and intelligence of some of the smarter characters. They could lead others and teach them the skills to develop fun games. In addition, the characters have years of field experience: they know what “gamers” want.
Video game characters are going to make the world a better place. They’ll start by taking control of video game development and taking the money out of the process. They’ll make thematically interesting games. And they’ll improve working conditions, so they can live longer and work less. All hail our video game character overlords.