Are you cool? Well you might be very uncool and not even know it.
Here’s a simple test: do you still play video games? If you answered yes, then you’re uncool. Video games are so last year, and the cool kids would never be caught playing them.
Do you want to be cool? Then play video game substitutes just like everyone else.
Start by taking out the trash to the front of house. Do this while jumping over the cracks in the sidewalk to avoid falling into a fiery lava pit beneath you. You might not see the pit, but rest assured, it has claimed many victims and their stinky garbage.
The most popular substitute, though, is dish washing. Wash and dry your dishes — by hand — before the timer runs out! You want to talk about survival horror? Try surviving the horror of a sink overflowing with dirty dishes.
In short, video game substitutes are sweeping the nation, and offering you the chance to be cool. Don’t delay! Pick up a broom and sweep the front porch.
Video game characters are tired of people using them. They want to be the masters of their own destiny, not our play things in a virtual sandbox. The characters want to stand proud, make their own games and improve their lives.
First, video game characters will take control of game development. They’ll take the money out of the creative process. They will be less beholden to massive corporations for financial support because they have funds in their own games — from resplendent coins to swelling treasure chests. They could take this money and make any kind of game they want. They could work any amount of hours and not rush game development.
Then they could set the number of hours they had to work in the finished game. You know, most people assume video game characters love to work 40 hour shifts while their human owners play marathon sessions. Not so! In fact, a recent poll indicates eight out of every ten characters would prefer to star in a good two-hour game. They would love feeling rested instead of pinching themselves to stay awake at 3 a.m. These time limits would probably improve both gamers’ and the characters’ health.
Video game characters’ health would certainly improve because they could make games without facing imminent death. Unlike most blood drenched shooters, they would create games where they lived longer than five seconds. The characters could expand their lifetimes and lessen violence. While doing so, they would be taking thematic risks since violence is a prevailing theme in video games. Perhaps they could promote peace over violence. We could all benefit from lasting peace.
“But video game characters,” you might object, “don’t have the skills necessary to manage a team or construct games.” Don’t underestimate the talents and intelligence of some of the smarter characters. They could lead others and teach them the skills to develop fun games. In addition, the characters have years of field experience: they know what “gamers” want.
Video game characters are going to make the world a better place. They’ll start by taking control of video game development and taking the money out of the process. They’ll make thematically interesting games. And they’ll improve working conditions, so they can live longer and work less. All hail our video game character overlords.
Go home, video games!
Go back to the black bunker-like box you call a home.
Go spin around in there until you’re dizzy.
You’ve overstayed your welcome, and I need some “me time.”
I wish I could enlarge my crowded apartment. But I can’t afford to pay for enlarging it. And I can barely draw a straight line, even with a ruler. How could I get the measurements right? I couldn’t.
Video games can solve my problem! I would need a home renovation simulator or something like The Sims. I could then enter the home-builder mode to add whatever I needed.
Maybe I’d build a skyscraper that skims the heavens and towers high above all other humans. The skyscraper’s shine would nearly blind people with its glittering gold trim. And the top of the tower would have a great eye-like object that would see everyone entering and leaving the skyscraper. And I would feel like a king.
On second thought, I’ll add this new spice rack. I’m thankful for what I have.
Oh, you think the next big video game thing is virtual reality? Guess again, pal.
This new thing is completely wireless, completely disc-less and completely machine-free. We send you a spandex outfit. Yes, you become the video game character.
Try it on and try it out this Christmas!
That’s when they made games that had real substance. There were no crazy colours, no mind bending alternate realities or fancy buttons. Everything was simple and straightforward, as it should always be.
I remember that buying games was less complicated too. Why, in my day, we walked five hectares through hail sleet and snow just to buy a game, and we were better off for it. Can’t we have those days back?