The last generation console was called “Old Faithful” by everyone who knew it.
In days gone by, the machine could run all day long without tiring, without breaking a sweat.
There were signs of overheating, to be sure, but the temperature did not reach a feverish pitch.
Was the problem what the console consumed? No, it was fed a steady diet of simple, old school games known to be easy on the digestive system.
Now dust covers the console that once entertained everyone.
Its formerly black wires have become ashen; these are not the grey whiskers of wisdom.
As we ponder the machine’s future, it lies dormant in its own dust.
Will the old console run again?
My gaming PC works overtime, overclocks hours on the punch clock, and still overwhelms me with beautiful graphics. I think it deserves some time off. As one manager to another, what say you?
Thanks Mr. Bad Guy for walking into the wall and getting stuck there. You were about to attack me. But you became lodged in concrete and started to convulse as if I was electrocuting you.
The developers of the game would probably be embarrassed by these convulsions. Maybe they would feel like they had done a poor job if some of their enemy characters had poor artificial intelligence. Maybe they’d wish they could fix all the game’s bugs.
I think the developers did me a huge favour. I was having a hard time getting through the level before the bad guy got stuck. Sometimes low artificial intelligence is a good thing.
Are you cool? Well you might be very uncool and not even know it.
Here’s a simple test: do you still play video games? If you answered yes, then you’re uncool. Video games are so last year, and the cool kids would never be caught playing them.
Do you want to be cool? Then play video game substitutes just like everyone else.
Start by taking out the trash to the front of house. Do this while jumping over the cracks in the sidewalk to avoid falling into a fiery lava pit beneath you. You might not see the pit, but rest assured, it has claimed many victims and their stinky garbage.
The most popular substitute, though, is dish washing. Wash and dry your dishes — by hand — before the timer runs out! You want to talk about survival horror? Try surviving the horror of a sink overflowing with dirty dishes.
In short, video game substitutes are sweeping the nation, and offering you the chance to be cool. Don’t delay! Pick up a broom and sweep the front porch.
Video game characters are tired of people using them. They want to be the masters of their own destiny, not our play things in a virtual sandbox. The characters want to stand proud, make their own games and improve their lives.
First, video game characters will take control of game development. They’ll take the money out of the creative process. They will be less beholden to massive corporations for financial support because they have funds in their own games — from resplendent coins to swelling treasure chests. They could take this money and make any kind of game they want. They could work any amount of hours and not rush game development.
Then they could set the number of hours they had to work in the finished game. You know, most people assume video game characters love to work 40 hour shifts while their human owners play marathon sessions. Not so! In fact, a recent poll indicates eight out of every ten characters would prefer to star in a good two-hour game. They would love feeling rested instead of pinching themselves to stay awake at 3 a.m. These time limits would probably improve both gamers’ and the characters’ health.
Video game characters’ health would certainly improve because they could make games without facing imminent death. Unlike most blood drenched shooters, they would create games where they lived longer than five seconds. The characters could expand their lifetimes and lessen violence. While doing so, they would be taking thematic risks since violence is a prevailing theme in video games. Perhaps they could promote peace over violence. We could all benefit from lasting peace.
“But video game characters,” you might object, “don’t have the skills necessary to manage a team or construct games.” Don’t underestimate the talents and intelligence of some of the smarter characters. They could lead others and teach them the skills to develop fun games. In addition, the characters have years of field experience: they know what “gamers” want.
Video game characters are going to make the world a better place. They’ll start by taking control of video game development and taking the money out of the process. They’ll make thematically interesting games. And they’ll improve working conditions, so they can live longer and work less. All hail our video game character overlords.
Go home, video games!
Go back to the black bunker-like box you call a home.
Go spin around in there until you’re dizzy.
You’ve overstayed your welcome, and I need some “me time.”