The last generation console was called “Old Faithful” by everyone who knew it.
In days gone by, the machine could run all day long without tiring, without breaking a sweat.
There were signs of overheating, to be sure, but the temperature did not reach a feverish pitch.
Was the problem what the console consumed? No, it was fed a steady diet of simple, old school games known to be easy on the digestive system.
Now dust covers the console that once entertained everyone.
Its formerly black wires have become ashen; these are not the grey whiskers of wisdom.
As we ponder the machine’s future, it lies dormant in its own dust.
Will the old console run again?
Oh, you think the next big video game thing is virtual reality? Guess again, pal.
This new thing is completely wireless, completely disc-less and completely machine-free. We send you a spandex outfit. Yes, you become the video game character.
Try it on and try it out this Christmas!
That’s when they made games that had real substance. There were no crazy colours, no mind bending alternate realities or fancy buttons. Everything was simple and straightforward, as it should always be.
I remember that buying games was less complicated too. Why, in my day, we walked five hectares through hail sleet and snow just to buy a game, and we were better off for it. Can’t we have those days back?
At first, I thought this recipe only provided a developer’s perspective on how to make a great video game. But, as a gamer, I realized that my recipe would look very similar to a developer’s. I either want the ingredients listed below, or I experience some of these feelings while playing a great game. The developer might feel a sense of accomplishment after they finish making a complex game and ship it. I might feel a sense of accomplishment after I beat their challenging work. This recipe should work for everyone.
- 15 pounds of love
- 9 pounds of fun
- 5 pounds of creativity
- 8 cups of joy
- 5 cups of wonder and awe
- 2 heaping cups of beauty
- 1 cup of a sense of accomplishment
- 1/4 cup of sweat
- 2 tablespoons of challenge
- 1 level tablespoon of immersion (not too much so as to avoid addiction)
- a pinch of anger (optional – depending on mood and temperament)
- a pinch of frustration (optional – depending on mood and temperament)
- code and other technical stuff for garnish
Preheat oven to 400°F. In a large bowl, mix all ingredients until combined. Pour mixture into baking tray and cook for 50 minutes or until golden. Serve immediately with fresh microchips.
What’s your recipe for a great video game?
Human beings are imperfect. How many times have you walked down the street and seen someone’s pants fall down as they bend down to tie their shoe laces? I bet you’ve seen it a lot. Well, it happens in video games too. No, I’m not talking about your pants falling down; I’m talking about embarrassing failures.
There are endless opportunities for embarrassing epic failures in video games. Falling over and over again to your death. Missing the boss’s weak spots, and instead, having him tenderize you for dinner. Falling asleep while eating or texting instead of beating the game. Throwing the controller and destroying it. Throwing a controller that flies in the air and wacks a friend on the head. Worst of all, throwing a controller that sails thoughtlessly through the air and smashes your T.V. The horror!
But it doesn’t need to be like this!
New video game technology will save us from ourselves. If we just let games play themselves we could maximize successful game playing productivity while dramatically decreasing human error. Well, enough geek speak. In lay person’s terms, there will be “no more tears.”
But think of all the time heartache you’ll save. You can watch as the computer customizes your characters, embarks on an adventure, fights your battles for you, slays the dragons and marries your princess or prince. Occasionally, the computer will malfunction and you might need to take control and play the video game for up to one minute. But we guarantee to keep your play time to a minimum — or your money back.
Outside, young bodies were in motion on a day so sunny that sunglasses and smiles were mandatory. Everyone rode bicycles, roller-bladed and seemed to celebrate.
Outside, a child ran, skipped and munched loudly on sweet corn on the cob.
Outside, people danced, popped open champagne bottles and roared with laughter.
Indoors, the insides of the box stopped working. My video game console wheezed, coughed and croaked last generation. Future generations: don’t put your faith in technology.
What’s the worst problem you’ve ever had with a video games console?