Tag Archives: technology

The Left and Right Side of the Console in Dialogue

Yesterday, I conducted live research on the left and right sides of my video game console. Allow me, dear reader, to make the obvious observation: I do not purport to be a clinical psychologist with years of experience. Furthermore, it’s nearly axiomatic that one should not snoop on another person’s conversations. However, I decided to make an exception for two reasons. First, I do not consider video game consoles to be “persons.” Second, I thought it would be fun.

***

“I’m the left side of the console. I enjoy processing massive amounts of data and turning it into bleeps, bloops and colourful images. I often sit here in the dark and have a dark mood to match.”

“I’m the right side. I like to take the colourful images and sounds that the left side creates and project them on the screen for you to enjoy. We can’t play video games without me!”

“Sure, you so all the work, right side.”

“Oh, brother, this again. You always ruin my good time.”

“Hey, righty, I asked you stop saying ‘always.’ You promised.”

“Yeah, you promised to say more positive things about me when we introduce ourselves to people.”

“Look, righty, I think we’re moving in different directions here. Why don’t we go run some video games together and forget this whole thing ever happened.”

“Sounds good.”

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Welcome to the Firm of Console, Disc and Joystick

Hi Mr. Console, I was told I needed a “machine” that never tired of working for me, that whirred and gurgled without end.

Hi Adam, you’re in the right place. I’m a specialist in whirring and gurgling for hours on end, and sometimes I dabble in spinning discs.

Oh great! You do that too. When can we get started?

Oh, I’m sorry; I’ll have to refer you to my colleague Ms. Disc. Fortunately, she’s right across the hall.

Hi Ms. Disc, I heard…

Yes, I’m a spinning expert. Mr. Console and I work well together. Rest assured that you’re in good hands. However, in order to start, we need you to retain our partner Ms. Joystick.

Ms. Joystick popped her long, slender neck around the corner.

Adam, so nice to meet you. Now, we could go in any direction, but I suggest we move forward together.

Thank you all. I think I’ve assembled quite a team, and I’m eager to get started.

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If My Human Calls

Joy the Joystick wore a permanent smile on her face when she helped others. She had always been an authentic Sorny Inc. controller: she longed to love humans, video games and consoles alike. Her secret for happiness and authenticity was to play video games and to get regular exercise.

Exercise, for her, consisted of regularly working and oiling her buttons to make sure they didn’t atrophy. She did this while playing hours of sports games. She calibrated herself well enough to belt fastballs out of the park at a major league rate. Most gamers would be lucky to have such a joyful and skillful controller in their lives.

Conrad the console, however, was everything that Joy was not. His rugged, square shape had rounded a little over the years. The kids from across street had borrowed him a few times and slipped him out of their sticky soda stained hands. He was quite fond of sitting around all day collecting dust. He had developed many vicious habits while sitting there, wondering about the meaningless of life. Conrad had gotten into such bad shape that it hurt when he played video games and when he did not. He just did not care what Jimmy, his human, did.

Jimmy was not the most thoughtful of humans. He would often eat cheesy nachos and rub his greasy hands all over his controller. He would sometimes leave Conrad running all day without reprieve. Jimmy’s friends often said he did not appreciate all of his video games and console. They thought he took Joy and Conrad for granted.

One day, the phone rang and Joy overheard a conversation between Jimmy and his mother. A smile burst out across Joy’s face as soon as the call ended. She had heard that Jimmy was coming home from a trip abroad.

“He can’t wait to play a new video game he bought! Isn’t that swell?,” Joy asked.

Conrad spit out his chewing tobacco, and the dark wad flew across the room before plopping into a flower pot. He downed a swig of whiskey to freshen his breath. Then he chomped into a cigar, filling the room with the incense of Cuba, to clear the heat out of his head. He let out a puff of greyish white smoke that matched the colour of his stubble.

“Meh,” Conrad said, “he can go play with himself.”

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Can You Breathe Life into the Old Machine?

The last generation console was called “Old Faithful” by everyone who knew it.

In days gone by, the machine could run all day long without tiring, without breaking a sweat.

There were signs of overheating, to be sure, but the temperature did not reach a feverish pitch.

Was the problem what the console consumed? No, it was fed a steady diet of simple, old school games known to be easy on the digestive system.

Now dust covers the console that once entertained everyone.

Its formerly black wires have become ashen; these are not the grey whiskers of wisdom.

As we ponder the machine’s future, it lies dormant in its own dust.

Will the old console run again?

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Why Do You Play Video Games?

I don’t think I’ve ever asked you this question. Please tell me. It would be exciting to see many different reasons.

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The Next Big Thing in Video Games

Oh, you think the next big video game thing is virtual reality? Guess again, pal.

This new thing is completely wireless, completely disc-less and completely machine-free. We send you a spandex outfit. Yes, you become the video game character.

Try it on and try it out this Christmas!

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Remember When Video Games Were Black and White?

That’s when they made games that had real substance. There were no crazy colours, no mind bending alternate realities or fancy buttons. Everything was simple and straightforward, as it should always be.

I remember that buying games was less complicated too. Why, in my day, we walked five hectares through hail sleet and snow just to buy a game, and we were better off for it. Can’t we have those days back?

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Filed under Video Game Misc., Video Game Technology