Tag Archives: technology

If My Human Calls

Joy the Joystick wore a permanent smile on her face when she helped others. She had always been an authentic Sorny Inc. controller: she longed to love humans, video games and consoles alike. Her secret for happiness and authenticity was to play video games and to get regular exercise.

Exercise, for her, consisted of regularly working and oiling her buttons to make sure they didn’t atrophy. She did this while playing hours of sports games. She calibrated herself well enough to belt fastballs out of the park at a major league rate. Most gamers would be lucky to have such a joyful and skillful controller in their lives.

Conrad the console, however, was everything that Joy was not. His rugged, square shape had rounded a little over the years. The kids from across street had borrowed him a few times and slipped him out of their sticky soda stained hands. He was quite fond of sitting around all day collecting dust. He had developed many vicious habits while sitting there, wondering about the meaningless of life. Conrad had gotten into such bad shape that it hurt when he played video games and when he did not. He just did not care what Jimmy, his human, did.

Jimmy was not the most thoughtful of humans. He would often eat cheesy nachos and rub his greasy hands all over his controller. He would sometimes leave Conrad running all day without reprieve. Jimmy’s friends often said he did not appreciate all of his video games and console. They thought he took Joy and Conrad for granted.

One day, the phone rang and Joy overheard a conversation between Jimmy and his mother. A smile burst out across Joy’s face as soon as the call ended. She had heard that Jimmy was coming home from a trip abroad.

“He can’t wait to play a new video game he bought! Isn’t that swell?,” Joy asked.

Conrad spit out his chewing tobacco, and the dark wad flew across the room before plopping into a flower pot. He downed a swig of whiskey to freshen his breath. Then he chomped into a cigar, filling the room with the incense of Cuba, to clear the heat out of his head. He let out a puff of greyish white smoke that matched the colour of his stubble.

“Meh,” Conrad said, “he can go play with himself.”

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Filed under Video Game Technology

Can You Breathe Life into the Old Machine?

The last generation console was called “Old Faithful” by everyone who knew it.

In days gone by, the machine could run all day long without tiring, without breaking a sweat.

There were signs of overheating, to be sure, but the temperature did not reach a feverish pitch.

Was the problem what the console consumed? No, it was fed a steady diet of simple, old school games known to be easy on the digestive system.

Now dust covers the console that once entertained everyone.

Its formerly black wires have become ashen; these are not the grey whiskers of wisdom.

As we ponder the machine’s future, it lies dormant in its own dust.

Will the old console run again?

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Filed under Video Game Technology

Why Do You Play Video Games?

I don’t think I’ve ever asked you this question. Please tell me. It would be exciting to see many different reasons.

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Filed under Video Games: Reader Q&A

The Next Big Thing in Video Games

Oh, you think the next big video game thing is virtual reality? Guess again, pal.

This new thing is completely wireless, completely disc-less and completely machine-free. We send you a spandex outfit. Yes, you become the video game character.

Try it on and try it out this Christmas!

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Filed under Video Game Technology

Remember When Video Games Were Black and White?

That’s when they made games that had real substance. There were no crazy colours, no mind bending alternate realities or fancy buttons. Everything was simple and straightforward, as it should always be.

I remember that buying games was less complicated too. Why, in my day, we walked five hectares through hail sleet and snow just to buy a game, and we were better off for it. Can’t we have those days back?

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Filed under Video Game Misc., Video Game Technology

How to Make a Great Video Game

Chef’s Note

At first, I thought this recipe only provided a developer’s perspective on how to make a great video game. But, as a gamer, I realized that my recipe would look very similar to a developer’s. I either want the ingredients listed below, or I experience some of these feelings while playing a great game. The developer might feel a sense of accomplishment after they finish making a complex game and ship it. I might feel a sense of accomplishment after I beat their challenging work. This recipe should work for everyone.

Ingredients

  • 15 pounds of love
  • 9 pounds of fun
  • 5 pounds of creativity
  • 8 cups of joy
  • 5 cups of wonder and awe
  • 2 heaping cups of beauty
  • 1 cup of a sense of accomplishment
  • 1/4 cup of sweat
  • 2 tablespoons of challenge
  • 1 level tablespoon of  immersion (not too much so as to avoid addiction)
  • a pinch of anger (optional – depending on mood and temperament)
  • a pinch of frustration (optional – depending on mood and temperament)
  • code and other technical stuff for garnish

Method

Preheat oven to 400°F.  In a large bowl, mix all ingredients until combined. Pour mixture into baking tray and cook for 50 minutes or until golden. Serve immediately with fresh microchips.


What’s your recipe for a great video game?

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Filed under Video Game Misc.

Why Video Games Should Play Themselves

Human beings are imperfect. How many times have you walked down the street and seen someone’s pants fall down as they bend down to tie their shoe laces? I bet you’ve seen it a lot. Well, it happens in video games too. No, I’m not talking about your pants falling down; I’m talking about embarrassing failures.

There are endless opportunities for embarrassing epic failures in video games. Falling over and over again to your death. Missing the boss’s weak spots, and instead, having him tenderize you for dinner. Falling asleep while eating or texting instead of beating the game. Throwing the controller and destroying it. Throwing a controller that flies in the air and wacks a friend on the head. Worst of all, throwing a controller that sails thoughtlessly through the air and smashes your T.V. The horror!

But it doesn’t need to be like this!

New video game technology will save us from ourselves.  If we just let games play themselves we could maximize successful game playing productivity while dramatically decreasing human error. Well, enough geek speak. In lay person’s terms, there will be “no more tears.”

But think of all the time heartache you’ll save. You can watch as the computer customizes your characters, embarks on an adventure, fights your battles for you, slays the dragons and marries your princess or prince. Occasionally, the computer will malfunction and you might need to take control and play the video game for up to one minute. But we guarantee to keep your play time to a minimum — or your money back.

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Filed under Video Game Technology, Video Game Trends