Thanks Mr. Bad Guy for walking into the wall and getting stuck there. You were about to attack me. But you became lodged in concrete and started to convulse as if I was electrocuting you.
The developers of the game would probably be embarrassed by these convulsions. Maybe they would feel like they had done a poor job if some of their enemy characters had poor artificial intelligence. Maybe they’d wish they could fix all the game’s bugs.
I think the developers did me a huge favour. I was having a hard time getting through the level before the bad guy got stuck. Sometimes low artificial intelligence is a good thing.
Video game characters are tired of people using them. They want to be the masters of their own destiny, not our play things in a virtual sandbox. The characters want to stand proud, make their own games and improve their lives.
First, video game characters will take control of game development. They’ll take the money out of the creative process. They will be less beholden to massive corporations for financial support because they have funds in their own games — from resplendent coins to swelling treasure chests. They could take this money and make any kind of game they want. They could work any amount of hours and not rush game development.
Then they could set the number of hours they had to work in the finished game. You know, most people assume video game characters love to work 40 hour shifts while their human owners play marathon sessions. Not so! In fact, a recent poll indicates eight out of every ten characters would prefer to star in a good two-hour game. They would love feeling rested instead of pinching themselves to stay awake at 3 a.m. These time limits would probably improve both gamers’ and the characters’ health.
Video game characters’ health would certainly improve because they could make games without facing imminent death. Unlike most blood drenched shooters, they would create games where they lived longer than five seconds. The characters could expand their lifetimes and lessen violence. While doing so, they would be taking thematic risks since violence is a prevailing theme in video games. Perhaps they could promote peace over violence. We could all benefit from lasting peace.
“But video game characters,” you might object, “don’t have the skills necessary to manage a team or construct games.” Don’t underestimate the talents and intelligence of some of the smarter characters. They could lead others and teach them the skills to develop fun games. In addition, the characters have years of field experience: they know what “gamers” want.
Video game characters are going to make the world a better place. They’ll start by taking control of video game development and taking the money out of the process. They’ll make thematically interesting games. And they’ll improve working conditions, so they can live longer and work less. All hail our video game character overlords.
Suppose a wand, glittering with gold, descended from a clear sky. No, it does not belong to Harry Potter, and please try to take this imaginary magic wand seriously, okay?
Now, upon closer inspection, you notice a white and golden sticker on the wand that says, “Official Nintendo Seal of Quality.” You pick up the wand and watch as purple smoke slowly billows out of it until a beautiful purple cloud engulfs you. This is some sorcery. This is a magic wand!
The wand gives you the magical ability to make any video game you want, to become a video game developer–without the hard work–for a day. What game would you make and why?
Note: Someone or something put the Nintendo sticker there as a joke for gamers. You don’t have to make a Nintendo game. It’s a wand without any loyalty.