Tag Archives: silly

July 12, 2015 · 10:56 pm

Rejected Video Game Ideas

Imagine a group of game developers and I sat around and came up with ideas for video games. Along the way, we made a few mistakes and threw them into garbage can.  Here’s the result:

1. Mold… The Game!

It all started one day when Jimmy, a young bachelor, smelled something off in the back of the fridge. He made a big mistake, though: he ignored it. The next day he discovered that the odorous source was mold, and he made his second mistake: he ignored it again.

The next day the mold had expanded, consumed the fridge and was invading the kitchen. Hundreds of fruits, vegetables and utensils fled for their lives to avoid the unrelenting onslaught of the disgusting mold.

Now it’s time for you to help Jimmy. Fight to reclaim his kitchen and stop the blob of mold’s reign of terror!

2. Is It Dry Yet?

If you have nothing else to do, you’re going to love this game. You sit in a room and watch paint dry! Gain extra experience points if you make it to the end of the game without shutting off your computer.

3. The Little Beanstalk that Could

It grows– so slowly. Watch it every step of the way, and then climb it to enter a mysterious world. Note: it may take 1000 years to grow.

Let’s all be thankful that I don’t make video games.

 

Can you think of other silly or awful ideas for video games?

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March 1, 2015 · 4:00 pm

Untold Story of a Blockbuster Game

A rooster crowed as Jack rubbed his eyes.

“Wait, what? When did I get a rooster?”

Sure enough, the rooster crowed as it pecked at a carpet of newspapers laid out on the floor.

Then he rubbed his temples and the fog cleared in his mind. Now he saw clearly, as the light streamed through the windows, that his apartment was a disaster zone. He remembered only fleeting images of a booze soaked nights, but the empty bottles and greasy pizza boxes refreshed his memory.

Jack Smith, a video game developer, tip-toed and carefully lifted his long gangly legs over the mess. The rotting, fly infested garbage inspired Jack to do something great.

“I decided on making a game called Happy Pizza Beer Party then and there. I hadn’t fully planned out what the game was yet, but I knew my life would chang forever. My previous games hadn’t worked out. I alienated friends, co-workers and teammates during production with my boorish behaviour. I figured I was about due this time for success.”

Smith liked to party, to take risks and gamble. He had saved up enough change after years of playing cards to create this game. “I felt like nothing could stop me from making this game,” he said.

Smith spent half of his money to work on the concept alone. To do it, he went to the local bar. The bartender asked, “What will you have? The usual?” “Nah, I’ll have a cocktail napkin,” he replied.

The bewildered bartender handed over the white square. “Something wrong?,” he asked. Smith was busy scribbling down the game’s concept on a napkin and ignored the bartender. He wrote these words “drinking and pizza eating simulator and/ or competition.”

After a couple of drinks, Smith fleshed out his central idea. Players would have to balance their health meter while they aimed to guzzle the most beer and devour trays of pizza. They could tap buttons at a certain speed to pace their digestion and stay alive. Players would need to balance health with the urge to eat.

To realize his plans for the game, Jack assembled a team of game developers in New York City. First he had to test their mettle in a drink-off.  He subjected the winners who still stood after downing a keg to a pizza show down. Smith thought the nine winners of these competitions had proven their dedication to him, and by extension, his video game. He hired them and they started developing the game in March 2012.

Sadly, a wave of misfortune hit the team as they worked. They couldn’t afford to hire extra staff so each team member had to work twice as hard. When the team lost government funding, they let go of two employees and lived off of ramen. They had hit rock bottom. But Smith refused to give up and forced the team to work on weekends. In fact, finishing the game became his obsession destroying his relationships with everyone.

As one ex employee said “He was like a dictator, and we followed orders to stay alive. All hands were on deck to finish the game.”

The team finished a prototype one year after they started work on the game. They paraded the game at local conventions where the air was thick with nerd sweat. The feedback they received led them to revise the game, submit it to publishers, then throw it out and start again.

Two months later, the team squashed all the bugs and released the game. Jack’s team spent $2 million dollars making the game and sold it for $10. Jack and the team received universal praise from fans and critics. The fans wrote love letters to the team. Almost every critic had something positive to say about the game.

Video games Nebula called it “…a breath taking revelation, an electrifying experience made all the more intense because I accidentally dropped a toaster in the bathtub while playing.” However, some guy in pajamas in his parent’s basement called it “sub par” and said he’d “rather spend time with his blow up doll.” But that guy was the exception.

The game went on to sell millions of copies worldwide. Jack summed up the game’s significance best: “Wow! I can’t believe it worked. Never has so much creativity come from binge drinking.”

Sometimes I wonder about the origin stories of my favourite games. Did any of them have similar stories? I have immense respect, though, for the hardworking developers who make games.

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January 25, 2015 · 12:30 pm

I am not Going to Talk about Video Games

People might say I talk on and on about video games until I fall down and fall asleep.

They might be right and this time I’m gonna change.

I’m not going to mention those words once…starting now.

But–gosh–you know I tend to babble on like a brook.

There’s no room for others’ small thoughts

sometimes I even interrupt myself during a…Wait! What’s that sound?

Oh, just a bird

Because my voice drones on about leveling up as if nothing happened.

People hear all about what it’s like

to stay up until the birds start chirping

while I save the universe with a controller in my hand and my eyes magnetized toward a screen.

They don’t want that.

They don’t want me to talk about extra lives or one ups.

Forget game over screen and difficultly settings.

“They are too violent and bloody”

“They warp your mind.”

Others don’t want to hear about speed runs or how you charged through a hail of bullets without a scratch or splinter.

Zombies and shovels are in, right?

Oh, can’t mention them, sorry.

New consoles and specs that make grains of sand visible

You better believe that’s unmentionable

Oh well, at least they let me play, even if I can talk about it.

There! I did it. I didn’t babble on endlessly, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t mention video games, right?

This silly post started with a simple idea: I would promise not to talk about something and then spend the entire post discussing it—in a roundabout way.

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August 31, 2014 · 12:47 pm

Cruel Achievements Ruin Everyone’s Day

text that says insulting achievement unlockedI had so many tedious chores to do yesterday. As I glanced over my to-do list, I felt an itch. This wasn’t lice in my hair or something that begged for a scratch. It was an itch to finish the game I started the other day.

“Better play now,” I thought. “The dirty dishes can wait. Besides, if I didn’t do something now,” I reasoned, “the itch would only get worse.”

So I sat down and continued what seemed like a regular play session. I set out to find all the hidden fruit in the game and unlock an achievement for this feat. After I grabbed the last set of grapes, the achievement popped up. I felt a surge of excitement, accomplishment and adrenaline mix into a cocktail of euphoria. But then I saw something strange. It brought me down from this natural high.

You have unlocked “Grapes of Wrath – 0 Exp.”

I thought to myself, “Well, that was a waste of time.”

The summary confirmed this, “Whoop-Dee-do! You collected all the hidden fruit in the game. Why don’t you go make a fruit salad with all of it?”

I decided to keep playing and forget the thing had ever happened. And, sure enough, the game became fun again. Everything was fine.

After a while, I paused the game and made myself a quick sandwich. It had meatballs – which had marinated in marinara – and gooey cheese. I played the game with one hand and managed to eat half of the sandwich with the other. That worked for about five minutes. Then another achievement popped up.

“Ha,” I thought, “I deserve an achievement for beating half of this game.”

Boy was I ever wrong.

“You’re a disgusting pig” unlocked. The summary read “Hey lazy boy! Put down the sandwich, get off the couch and get outside!”

I shrugged it off. After all, I was relaxing after a long day and words don’t hurt my feelings.

Yet, in truth, the achievement had bothered me. I lost focus and watched in horror as zombies slaughtered my character a dozen times. On top of that, my character fell off a couple of cliffs because I couldn’t think straight.

Then another achievement appeared on the screen.

“You have unlocked Epic Fail – You’ve died 1000 times. So put down the controller, hang your head in shame, and walk away already.”

That was the last straw. I was going to beat this game and prove it wrong. It would soon find out about my skill.

I charged the through the swarm of zombies and survived. I scaled the treacherous precipices on the cliff that had tested my patience. And I still had time to make a fruit salad in the game. “Ha I proclaimed to myself. That was easy.”

Then something popped on the screen. “You have unlocked Wasted. You have wasted 10,000 hours on this game. You’re pathetic. How can you stand yourself?”

“Why you little…,” I started to say.

There was no time to argue. The game could insult me all it wanted and make stuff up. It was crazy. So I trudged toward the finish line and made it across in record time. The game was over!

As the credits rolled, I dreaded seeing another achievement. Sure enough, it appeared just as I hoped to escape the game’s insults.

“You are terrible at video games. Seriously. Just give up already. Don’t you have something better you could be doing with your time? Oh wait, no you don’t”

“That’s it! I’ve had just about enough of this,” I said. I lunged toward the TV determined to destroy the console forever.

Before I couldn’t finish my foul deed, I felt sweat drench my forehead. My clothes were covered in sweat too. I opened my bloodshot eyes wide and found myself sitting upright in bed at 2 AM.

I surveyed the room and took it all in. The apartment was quiet, except for the TV in the other room.

“Haha it was all a dream. There’s no game like that.” I laughed out loud.

My roommate furrowed his brow and steadied his gaze on me. “Are you alright? He had a puzzled look on his face with one eyebrow arched higher.” I ignored him for now, and he walked away.

“It was only a dream… only a dream. None of it really happened,” I said.

My eyes started to feel heavy as if a giant boulder weighed them down. I instinctively grabbed a half-eaten meatball sandwich on my end-table, took a bite and then let it fall on my bed. I was fast asleep again.

***

Meanwhile, somewhere far away in a deep, dark cave, a pasty man roars with laughter. His flabby jowls jiggle as if made of jello. He taps away with Flash Gordon-like speed at a keyboard. Then he stops, scans the screen, and shakes his head. “Oh man, the achievements in my new game are too cruel.”

What if achievements were cruel and picked on people? That was the prompt that inspired this silly post.

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August 23, 2014 · 11:53 am

Are You a Wild Animal?

Let’s go on a safari. We’ll take a close look at video game players in the wild. Below is a list of seven types of wild gaming animals.

Dinosaur

Dinosaurs only play old school video games. Do you play 3D games on a current console? “You should be ashamed of yourself,” a dinosaur might say.

The dinosaur thinks 3D is a major heresy. If it was up to them, they’d excommunicate you from the gaming community.

Pig

This type is pretty self-explanatory. Pig gamers live in sties and don’t care about their living quarters when they play. Oink! Oink!

Bull

Bulls are easily angered. They also tend to throw controllers and such. Watch out! They get especially angry when they see their character’s red blood on the screen. Clear the room when this happens because you could get hurt.

Frog

Frogs jump from game to game but never finish anything they start playing. They get bored easily. When they don’t care for a game, they stick their tongue out at it in disgust.

Beaver

Beavers collect logs to dam rivers and make their home. Some game players share similarities with their rodent friends, but these people are far less practical. These gamers collect vast quantities of games and like to stare at their collection from afar.

There are two types of beavers. The digital kind loves to grab huge amounts of games during Steam sales. The hard copy beaver loves to see a towering stack of games in their living room.

Bunnies

Bunnies, with their pure white coats, are innocent and don’t recognize danger. Wolves devour these innocent noobs online.

Wolves

Wolves are vicious when they are out on a hunt for innocent prey. They’ll show no mercy and might even desecrate your corpse in an online game.

Bonus post: You might be a snail or a hedgehog. Check out my post Help! I’m a Video Game Snail to diagnose yourself.

Which type of gaming animal are you? Did I forget an animal or two? Are you combination? Maybe a bullfrog?

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August 10, 2014 · 9:54 pm

Help! My Video Console Is Out to Get Me

I know why it tried to kill me. I neglected the console for a while. In fact, it was so neglected that it choked on house dust.

The console was also jealous about how I spent more time with its competitors. Several times it caught me on the couch with an Xbox or with the PC in my bedroom. The console didn’t like that I grinned from ear to ear when I was in the bedroom. I’m sure this neglected console’s power-on button was green with envy.

The console became distant and cold after these events. Then I stared at a blank screen alone in dark. For a change, I tried to become re-acquainted with my Xbox or PC, but they mysteriously disappeared. I only had this dusty, neglected console.

The console got worse. I learned about its pyromania problems. One day, it became so hot that it almost burned a wooden shelf I had placed it on. Good thing I caught that before bedtime. After that incident, I kept a fire extinguisher nearby—just in case.

The last straw occurred when the console developed homicidal hatred. I awoke one morning to find a picture of my girlfriend, normally on the end table by my bed, missing. I shrugged it off and stumbled into the bathroom. I reached for a knob in the tub when I noticed a long, plugged-in extension cord and something else. There was a toaster in the bathtub!

I guess I should have seen this homicidal behaviour coming. After all, advertisements touted it as the killer console of the century. Those advertisements were true to their word, a rare occurrence indeed.

I decided to put an end to this awful relationship. I threw the console in the dump; it wouldn’t turn on anyway. Let’s hope some poor soul doesn’t chance upon it.

As for me, I walked out of the dump with my held high, staring at the blue sky. The future looked bright and there was a new generation on the horizon.

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July 27, 2014 · 11:29 pm

My Video Game Console Took over My Living Room

I woke up one Saturday morning to the sounds of shrill shouting. As I tip toed toward my living room, the shouting became louder. My teeth chattered. My knees buckled. What could it be?

Rolling thunder made a rumbling sound as if someone was moving heavy furniture on the floor above me. A crack of white-hot lightning bleached the sky as I sauntered past the window. And then I saw it.

I saw a face with a nasty snarl, pointy teeth and menacing eyes. It looked like an evil Jack O’Lantern; only the face was on my TV set!

As I scanned the living room, I noticed all of my electronics were standing in a long line in front of the TV. They looked like a set of dominoes. I could only tell the electronics apart because they sported long, sad faces, each one longer and sadder than the previous one.

My cellphone, my other video game boxes, game controllers, remotes, and blu rays were all there. They huffed and puffed while running to join the line. Like trees, the DVDs showed their age by the multiple rings that ran around them.

What were they doing? They lined up to bow before the TV and offered it gifts. They brought surge protectors, extension cords and a new set of speakers.

“Yes, yes bow down before me—the master of the living room. I am the supreme video game console of the universe,” the TV bellowed.

I noticed my video game console glowed an unearthly hue and levitated off of the table. The console was just using my TV as a mouthpiece to broadcast its message of world domination.

I rubbed my eyes and could now see clearly. My console had taken over my living room!

Your Video Game Console is Coming for You Next

It can happen to anyone. Just think about how much your console does for you and what it might want in return.  Oh,the horror! The horror!

1. Games

You couldn’t resist the bright and shiny allure of a new console. Then, once you got one, you needed something to play. Slowly, you amassed a heap of game boxes that you’ve scattered across your living room.

2. Motion Controls

So you’ve got your TV remote and maybe another remote for movies. Now you’ve got motion controllers and Kinect there.

3. Movies and TV

These are wildly popular. Who knows what’s next?

Keep your eyes open and always beware what lurks in the shadows. You’ve been warned.

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June 29, 2014 · 9:43 am

Having a Fashion Crysis on the Beach

So you decide to get a spiffy new wardrobe. You head to the tailor for a suit, but not just any suit: you’re there to get a nano suit. You know, it’s that futuristic armor from the Crysis games that gives you superhuman powers.

You had zero strength or military training and no exercise regimen to speak of before you bought it. When someone said dumbbell, you thought they were insulting you.

But now you have the suit. You can strut around and feel empowered. Now you can jump higher, run faster and punch stronger than the average Joe or Jill six-pack. The armor also has a cloaking device and can deflect damage. What more could you want?

Well, you might want to have a nano suit and a normal life. But can you have both? Let’s take a look at some scenarios below.

1. You walk along the beach of the Lingshan Islands, the setting from first game. and notice a frog.

I guess you could attempt to pick it up and pet it, but the suit is so powerful that even petting might crush the poor thing. And super soldiers with hyper powered armor don’t pick up and pet creatures, anyway. Petting is too sensitive and doesn’t fit the tough guy clichés.

2. Still sauntering along the beach, you stumble upon a sharp, and potentially deadly pebble.

On closer inspection, you think it’s sharp enough that it could nick someone’s foot. It could even poke someone in the eye.

Cue up the radial menu. Should you cloak and hide from the mean old pebble before it hurts you? I don’t think so. Should you jump over and keep walking like nothing ever happened? Of course not. The correct answer is to strength punch it into a fine, dusty powder. A responsible beach going citizen would do nothing less.

3. You have to perform Chopin’s music at a big piano recital. All your friends and family are there.

They’re so proud of you. What happens next? You sit down and turn on cloak, by accident, because you’re so nervous and don’t want anyone to stare at you.

Then things gets worse. You sit down and start playing, but you’re so strong that you accidentally rip the piano in half just by touching it with you’re pinky finger. Wooden splinters shower your family and friends. Oops!

4. You’re friend has a party and invites everyone over.

He made some nachos and guacamole and asks you to try it. To be polite, you don’t mention how your suit makes eating difficult and get ready to munch.

But you’re so strong and the chips are so weak that they crack into a thousand little pieces. You pour the guacamole on top of the nachos and slam your face into the bowl. Most of the delicious snack covers and stains your visor.

So now you’ve littered your friend’s place with cracked chips, look like a pig and ruined other people’s chances of eating some nachos. You may be wearing a fancy suit on, but you’re still a jerk. Definitely not someone I would invite to my party.

5. You go to see a Rom Com at the movies.

What do you do? Do you use strength jump, punch, run, cloak, or shields? I think we both know, if you’re in touch with your feelings that is. “Cry engaged.”

6. Your little brother asks you to play hide and go seek with him.

You have an unfair advantage in your cloaking device. Should you use it? Of course you should!

Now, he’ll surely complain that he can never find you, but it will help the kid in the long run. He’ll learn to always behave around you. Well, that or he could grow up with a Big Brother complex, watching his back like a citizen from 1984.

Yeah, I think it’s time to take the suit off.

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March 23, 2014 · 6:55 pm

How to Become a Zombie

how to become a video game zombieYou don’t need a zombie to bite you. You don’t need an environmental disaster to transform you into one of the undead. There’s also no mystery about how to transform from a human to a zombie. In fact, millions of people can transform into zombies from the comfort of their living room. This practical guide allows you to play all the video games you want and still become one of the undead. You’ll crave brains in no time!

* Note: this process is expensive and can take weeks to finish.

How to Become a Zombie in 7 Easy Steps

1. First, find a desolate basement devoid of any light. A nice bunker is ideal. If you can’t find a decent abode, nail wood over the windows.

2. Ensure you have no contact with the outside world or friends and family. Contact with these people is healthy, and this behaviour is very un-zombie-like.

3. Ensure there are no food sources nearby. So empty your fridge and focus on the task at hand. Then, as a reward for your hard work, you can eat some hands as a zombie.

4. Ensure you have a comfy couch. Ideally, you want to know the couch better and can’t stand to be away from it.

5. Ensure you have all the latest video game consoles and a high-end PC. Plug all of them in front of the couch and place the handhelds next to you. You’ll want huge TVs. The TVs should make your local movie theater seem like a fossil from prehistoric times.

6. Now play video games almost non-stop for one week.

7. Your skin will slowly turn green. Most of what little brains you had will shrivel. You will start to drool puddles of saliva on yourself, but you’re not salivating because of normal hunger. Your hunger for human food – plant or animal – will dissipate. Instead, an insatiable appetite for brains will overpower all other urges.

Congrats! You’re now a zombie.

Please note: I cannot guarantee you will become a zombie.

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September 15, 2013 · 9:07 pm

The Undead Speak

Video game zombie interviewWelcome to a new series of posts. Inspired by Wreck-It-Ralph, I travel into video game worlds to interview their denizens.

For today’s interview, I travelled deep underground until I smelled a foul stench. It was zombies. A huge horde of them with their putrefied flesh stood before me. Pretending to be half dead – which isn’t all that difficult for me to do on a weekday morning – I slunk through the hoard. I searched for some intelligent companionship in the crowd.

A tame half zombie, apparently not yet turned, approached me. He explained he could speak, reason, laugh and love because he still had a large part of his brain. He was only bitten last week. And now he was my test subject – er – I mean interviewee.

***

Q: Do you like to live as a zombie?

I was human until last week when one of the undead bit me. I have to say that it has been a dramatic change. In fact, it stinks. It stinks worse than my rotten flesh.

You get up in the morning, take the subway to work and, unless there is a system crash, you charge the protagonist. Then you die and do it over again until you want to rip off your own arms. Oh, wait…

My life is not all bad though. Sometimes the protagonist makes stupid mistakes, and my friends and I gorge on his brains. The protagonist’s AI partner is particularly stupid, and we enjoy munching on his brains too. Sometimes you’ll see the partner charge right into us or run around in circles because of a glitch. What a rube!

(His green face lights up a little. He smiles and some black pearls fall out of his mouth)

But this terrible hunger never abates. Speaking of which, didn’t you say you had some lovely brains for me?

Q: Uh, no… anyway, let’s change subjects. Do you ever get lonely?

Yes, it can be tough out here for a zombie. We have to hustle everyday for the brains to survive. But most of my friends are boring.

The zombie horde is only made up of 4 or 5 identical zombies. That’s because the game I live in only has that many zombie skins. The game studio was too lazy to add more. So we all think alike and look alike. It gets old down here fast.

Q: You sound a bit depressed. Why do you bother to rise from your grave in the morning?

To be honest, I like to indulge in the arts, culture and gourmet foods. I like to stay fit and healthy to keep up my natural green glow.

If it wasn’t for these finer things, I would have no reason to stay undead. I would delete my code from the game.

Also, I really like brains!

Q: I see. Do you do anything else besides eating brains and playing in video games?

Well, my agent and I have big plans after this video game season. We’re making moves into movies. That’s where the money is. And that’s where you get respect and fame.

Take a look at zombies in movies and what do you see? They only work a couple of hours a day, they have palatial estates and fast cars. Yes, my next stop is Hollywood. Nothing can stop me.

But before I do that… I want brains, brains, brains!

***

Interviewers note:

At this point, the zombie started to rub his belly and point to a large bubbling cauldron. He approached me and tapped my head with his index finger. After these actions, I ran as fast I could and the interview concluded.

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