Tag Archives: silly

If Video Game Characters Were Real & Had Personalities

Maybe we would spend time with video game characters if they were like people and had personalities. Maybe we would get to know them and grow old together. And maybe we could even play games with them.

I think that characters from shooting video games would probably be less popular. I mean, you would probably not befriend a violent psychopath, right? By contrast, we would probably still love Mario and think of him as being delightfully joyful. However, we’d probably be concerned about his magic mushroom consumption, and his influence on kids. Pikachu would probably remain just as loved if it were a real pet, albeit a highly dangerous one.


What do you think life would be like if video game characters were real and had personalities?

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5 Things I Wish I had More Time for

1. I wish I had more time to write stories, but I get distracted by the activities mentioned in this post.

2. Video games. Oh, boy, do I ever love them!

3. Writing cool lists and sharing them with others.

4. Blog posts. Sometimes I never finish.

5.

I sat down to finish this post but…. Oh great a packed sink and dishwasher mean there’s no clean dishes left. Bummer! I’d clean them now but I’m so sleepy, could use a nap. Yeah, a nap will help me finish this post but better do dishes first.

Maybe I’ll finish if I pad this post with “blah blah blah”; then I’ll reach the minimum word count, like an elementary school essay. But that won’t work. Argh! Will I ever finish?

 

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Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo Declare Peace

The Great Console War Comes to an End

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! The Big Three sue for peace. And I mean the Big Three because when they sit down to negotiate they take up five couches each.

Yesterday at 12 o’clock noon, the guns stopped firing. All sides shut down their massive propaganda machines. At first, it didn’t seem like the machines would stop, but they soon ran out of grease.

The factory assembly lines fell silent too. Workers put down their scorching torches and went outside to breathe fresh for the first time in years. The workers’ hammers ceased hitting nails while the Big Three hammered out a deal .

The cessation of hostilities and new-found peace could not conceal the ugly hatred in some gamers’ hearts. These gamers, spewing venom at the other side and foaming at the mouth, wanted to finish the fight. Other gamers, their loyalty to console makers stretched to the breaking point, cried with joy: the war was over for them. Life could go on.

A representative for the Big Three said: “We recommend that our millions of fans go back to their lives before the war. Enjoy video games. Enjoy life. Above all, let us learn from the mistakes of the past and build a better world.”

It remains unclear how the Big Three will enforce this peace.

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Rejected Video Game Ideas

Imagine a group of game developers and I sat around and came up with ideas for video games. Along the way, we made a few mistakes and threw them into garbage can.  Here’s the result:

1. Mold… The Game!

It all started one day when Jimmy, a young bachelor, smelled something off in the back of the fridge. He made a big mistake, though: he ignored it. The next day he discovered that the odorous source was mold, and he made his second mistake: he ignored it again.

The next day the mold had expanded, consumed the fridge and was invading the kitchen. Hundreds of fruits, vegetables and utensils fled for their lives to avoid the unrelenting onslaught of the disgusting mold.

Now it’s time for you to help Jimmy. Fight to reclaim his kitchen and stop the blob of mold’s reign of terror!

2. Is It Dry Yet?

If you have nothing else to do, you’re going to love this game. You sit in a room and watch paint dry! Gain extra experience points if you make it to the end of the game without shutting off your computer.

3. The Little Beanstalk that Could

It grows– so slowly. Watch it every step of the way, and then climb it to enter a mysterious world. Note: it may take 1000 years to grow.

Let’s all be thankful that I don’t make video games.


 

Can you think of other silly or awful ideas for video games?

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Untold Story of a Blockbuster Game

A rooster crowed as Jack rubbed his eyes.

“Wait, what? When did I get a rooster?”

Sure enough, the rooster crowed as it pecked at a carpet of newspapers laid out on the floor.

Then he rubbed his temples and the fog cleared in his mind. Now he saw clearly, as the light streamed through the windows, that his apartment was a disaster zone. He remembered only fleeting images of a booze soaked nights, but the empty bottles and greasy pizza boxes refreshed his memory.

Jack Smith, a video game developer, tip-toed and carefully lifted his long gangly legs over the mess. The rotting, fly infested garbage inspired Jack to do something great.

“I decided on making a game called Happy Pizza Beer Party then and there. I hadn’t fully planned out what the game was yet, but I knew my life would chang forever. My previous games hadn’t worked out. I alienated friends, co-workers and teammates during production with my boorish behaviour. I figured I was about due this time for success.”

Smith liked to party, to take risks and gamble. He had saved up enough change after years of playing cards to create this game. “I felt like nothing could stop me from making this game,” he said.

Smith spent half of his money to work on the concept alone. To do it, he went to the local bar. The bartender asked, “What will you have? The usual?” “Nah, I’ll have a cocktail napkin,” he replied.

The bewildered bartender handed over the white square. “Something wrong?,” he asked. Smith was busy scribbling down the game’s concept on a napkin and ignored the bartender. He wrote these words “drinking and pizza eating simulator and/ or competition.”

After a couple of drinks, Smith fleshed out his central idea. Players would have to balance their health meter while they aimed to guzzle the most beer and devour trays of pizza. They could tap buttons at a certain speed to pace their digestion and stay alive. Players would need to balance health with the urge to eat.

To realize his plans for the game, Jack assembled a team of game developers in New York City. First he had to test their mettle in a drink-off.  He subjected the winners who still stood after downing a keg to a pizza show down. Smith thought the nine winners of these competitions had proven their dedication to him, and by extension, his video game. He hired them and they started developing the game in March 2012.

Sadly, a wave of misfortune hit the team as they worked. They couldn’t afford to hire extra staff so each team member had to work twice as hard. When the team lost government funding, they let go of two employees and lived off of ramen. They had hit rock bottom. But Smith refused to give up and forced the team to work on weekends. In fact, finishing the game became his obsession destroying his relationships with everyone.

As one ex employee said “He was like a dictator, and we followed orders to stay alive. All hands were on deck to finish the game.”

The team finished a prototype one year after they started work on the game. They paraded the game at local conventions where the air was thick with nerd sweat. The feedback they received led them to revise the game, submit it to publishers, then throw it out and start again.

Two months later, the team squashed all the bugs and released the game. Jack’s team spent $2 million dollars making the game and sold it for $10. Jack and the team received universal praise from fans and critics. The fans wrote love letters to the team. Almost every critic had something positive to say about the game.

Video games Nebula called it “…a breath taking revelation, an electrifying experience made all the more intense because I accidentally dropped a toaster in the bathtub while playing.” However, some guy in pajamas in his parent’s basement called it “sub par” and said he’d “rather spend time with his blow up doll.” But that guy was the exception.

The game went on to sell millions of copies worldwide. Jack summed up the game’s significance best: “Wow! I can’t believe it worked. Never has so much creativity come from binge drinking.”


Sometimes I wonder about the origin stories of my favourite games. Did any of them have similar stories? I have immense respect, though, for the hardworking developers who make games.

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I am not Going to Talk about Video Games

People might say I talk on and on about video games until I fall down and fall asleep.

They might be right and this time I’m gonna change.

I’m not going to mention those words once…starting now.

But–gosh–you know I tend to babble on like a brook.

There’s no room for others’ small thoughts

sometimes I even interrupt myself during a…Wait! What’s that sound?

Oh, just a bird

Because my voice drones on about leveling up as if nothing happened.

People hear all about what it’s like

to stay up until the birds start chirping

while I save the universe with a controller in my hand and my eyes magnetized toward a screen.

They don’t want that.

They don’t want me to talk about extra lives or one ups.

Forget game over screen and difficultly settings.

“They are too violent and bloody”

“They warp your mind.”

Others don’t want to hear about speed runs or how you charged through a hail of bullets without a scratch or splinter.

Zombies and shovels are in, right?

Oh, can’t mention them, sorry.

New consoles and specs that make grains of sand visible

You better believe that’s unmentionable

Oh well, at least they let me play, even if I can talk about it.

There! I did it. I didn’t babble on endlessly, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t mention video games, right?


This silly post started with a simple idea: I would promise not to talk about something and then spend the entire post discussing it—in a roundabout way.

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Cruel Achievements Ruin Everyone’s Day

text that says insulting achievement unlockedI had so many tedious chores to do yesterday. As I glanced over my to-do list, I felt an itch. This wasn’t lice in my hair or something that begged for a scratch. It was an itch to finish the game I started the other day.

“Better play now,” I thought. “The dirty dishes can wait. Besides, if I didn’t do something now,” I reasoned, “the itch would only get worse.”

So I sat down and continued what seemed like a regular play session. I set out to find all the hidden fruit in the game and unlock an achievement for this feat. After I grabbed the last set of grapes, the achievement popped up. I felt a surge of excitement, accomplishment and adrenaline mix into a cocktail of euphoria. But then I saw something strange. It brought me down from this natural high.

You have unlocked “Grapes of Wrath – 0 Exp.”

I thought to myself, “Well, that was a waste of time.”

The summary confirmed this, “Whoop-Dee-do! You collected all the hidden fruit in the game. Why don’t you go make a fruit salad with all of it?”

I decided to keep playing and forget the thing had ever happened. And, sure enough, the game became fun again. Everything was fine.

After a while, I paused the game and made myself a quick sandwich. It had meatballs – which had marinated in marinara – and gooey cheese. I played the game with one hand and managed to eat half of the sandwich with the other. That worked for about five minutes. Then another achievement popped up.

“Ha,” I thought, “I deserve an achievement for beating half of this game.”

Boy was I ever wrong.

“You’re a disgusting pig” unlocked. The summary read “Hey lazy boy! Put down the sandwich, get off the couch and get outside!”

I shrugged it off. After all, I was relaxing after a long day and words don’t hurt my feelings.

Yet, in truth, the achievement had bothered me. I lost focus and watched in horror as zombies slaughtered my character a dozen times. On top of that, my character fell off a couple of cliffs because I couldn’t think straight.

Then another achievement appeared on the screen.

“You have unlocked Epic Fail – You’ve died 1000 times. So put down the controller, hang your head in shame, and walk away already.”

That was the last straw. I was going to beat this game and prove it wrong. It would soon find out about my skill.

I charged the through the swarm of zombies and survived. I scaled the treacherous precipices on the cliff that had tested my patience. And I still had time to make a fruit salad in the game. “Ha I proclaimed to myself. That was easy.”

Then something popped on the screen. “You have unlocked Wasted. You have wasted 10,000 hours on this game. You’re pathetic. How can you stand yourself?”

“Why you little…,” I started to say.

There was no time to argue. The game could insult me all it wanted and make stuff up. It was crazy. So I trudged toward the finish line and made it across in record time. The game was over!

As the credits rolled, I dreaded seeing another achievement. Sure enough, it appeared just as I hoped to escape the game’s insults.

“You are terrible at video games. Seriously. Just give up already. Don’t you have something better you could be doing with your time? Oh wait, no you don’t”

“That’s it! I’ve had just about enough of this,” I said. I lunged toward the TV determined to destroy the console forever.

Before I couldn’t finish my foul deed, I felt sweat drench my forehead. My clothes were covered in sweat too. I opened my bloodshot eyes wide and found myself sitting upright in bed at 2 AM.

I surveyed the room and took it all in. The apartment was quiet, except for the TV in the other room.

“Haha it was all a dream. There’s no game like that.” I laughed out loud.

My roommate furrowed his brow and steadied his gaze on me. “Are you alright? He had a puzzled look on his face with one eyebrow arched higher.” I ignored him for now, and he walked away.

“It was only a dream… only a dream. None of it really happened,” I said.

My eyes started to feel heavy as if a giant boulder weighed them down. I instinctively grabbed a half-eaten meatball sandwich on my end-table, took a bite and then let it fall on my bed. I was fast asleep again.

***

Meanwhile, somewhere far away in a deep, dark cave, a pasty man roars with laughter. His flabby jowls jiggle as if made of jello. He taps away with Flash Gordon-like speed at a keyboard. Then he stops, scans the screen, and shakes his head. “Oh man, the achievements in my new game are too cruel.”


What if achievements were cruel and picked on people? That was the prompt that inspired this silly post.

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