Having a Fashion Crysis on the Beach

So you decide to get a spiffy new wardrobe. You head to the tailor for a suit, but not just any suit: you’re there to get a nano suit. You know, it’s that futuristic armor from the Crysis games that gives you superhuman powers.

You had zero strength or military training and no exercise regimen to speak of before you bought it. When someone said dumbbell, you thought they were insulting you.

But now you have the suit. You can strut around and feel empowered. Now you can jump higher, run faster and punch stronger than the average Joe or Jill six-pack. The armor also has a cloaking device and can deflect damage. What more could you want?

Well, you might want to have a nano suit and a normal life. But can you have both? Let’s take a look at some scenarios below.

1. You walk along the beach of the Lingshan Islands, the setting from first game. and notice a frog.

I guess you could attempt to pick it up and pet it, but the suit is so powerful that even petting might crush the poor thing. And super soldiers with hyper powered armor don’t pick up and pet creatures, anyway. Petting is too sensitive and doesn’t fit the tough guy clichés.

2. Still sauntering along the beach, you stumble upon a sharp, and potentially deadly pebble.

On closer inspection, you think it’s sharp enough that it could nick someone’s foot. It could even poke someone in the eye.

Cue up the radial menu. Should you cloak and hide from the mean old pebble before it hurts you? I don’t think so. Should you jump over and keep walking like nothing ever happened? Of course not. The correct answer is to strength punch it into a fine, dusty powder. A responsible beach going citizen would do nothing less.

3. You have to perform Chopin’s music at a big piano recital. All your friends and family are there.

They’re so proud of you. What happens next? You sit down and turn on cloak, by accident, because you’re so nervous and don’t want anyone to stare at you.

Then things gets worse. You sit down and start playing, but you’re so strong that you accidentally rip the piano in half just by touching it with you’re pinky finger. Wooden splinters shower your family and friends. Oops!

4. You’re friend has a party and invites everyone over.

He made some nachos and guacamole and asks you to try it. To be polite, you don’t mention how your suit makes eating difficult and get ready to munch.

But you’re so strong and the chips are so weak that they crack into a thousand little pieces. You pour the guacamole on top of the nachos and slam your face into the bowl. Most of the delicious snack covers and stains your visor.

So now you’ve littered your friend’s place with cracked chips, look like a pig and ruined other people’s chances of eating some nachos. You may be wearing a fancy suit on, but you’re still a jerk. Definitely not someone I would invite to my party.

5. You go to see a Rom Com at the movies.

What do you do? Do you use strength jump, punch, run, cloak, or shields? I think we both know, if you’re in touch with your feelings that is. “Cry engaged.”

6. Your little brother asks you to play hide and go seek with him.

You have an unfair advantage in your cloaking device. Should you use it? Of course you should!

Now, he’ll surely complain that he can never find you, but it will help the kid in the long run. He’ll learn to always behave around you. Well, that or he could grow up with a Big Brother complex, watching his back like a citizen from 1984.

Yeah, I think it’s time to take the suit off.