Tag Archives: humor

Texting with Video Games Characters – Part III

[I started texting Gordon Freeman to “catch up.” I’ve decided to be polite and not share his number or address on my blog.]

Me (April 2, 2009 3:10 pm): Gordo! How ya been, buddy!? It’s your ol’ pal, Adam. I haven’t heard a peep from you in years.

Me (April 2, 2009 3:11 pm): Hey, it’s been a minute since I sent my message. Did you get it?

Me (April 2, 2009 3:12 pm): Cause I’m still here… It’s cool though. I can wait.

Me (April 2, 2009 3:14 pm): Hey man, jus checkin’ if you got my three other messages. I can re-send them if you didn’t. Let me know.

Me (May 1, 2009 12:09 pm): Can I at least come by to play games?

Me (June 19, 2009 2 pm): Alright, it’s been a while, and I won’t lie: I was hoping to talk to you about something I’ve been looking forward to.

Me (August 13, 2009 11:00 am): I can’t believe you’d give an old friend the cold shoulder like this!

Me (December 7, 2009 10:26 am): You got some nerve ignoring me after all these years! And after all we fought through together? All I’m looking for is one thing. You know what I want.

Me (December 26, 2009 1 pm): Screw you, Gordon!

Me (March 22, 2010 6 pm): I’m so sorry for what I said to you in the supermarket the other day. I should have put the pineapple down and stopped screaming. You were so stoic in the face of my sojourn from sanity. I didn’t mean any of it. I wish I could take it back. I hope you’ll forgive me.

Me (March 22, 2010 12:30 am): I’ve just been under a lot of stress lately. I haven’t been myself. I got a lot on my mind and a lot I’m looking forward to.

Me (November 19, 2010 8 pm): Did you get the present I left you on your front doorstep? I’m not expecting anything for myself but I got another surprise for you… we’re neighbours now! 😀

Me (February 27, 2011 10 pm): Gordon, you hard at work on smthg?

Me (February 28, 2011 12:15 am): Got any new projects to announce?

Me (February 28, 2011 3:06 am): Please, Gordon, I’m dyin’ here, man! You got any leads for ol’ Adam?

Me (February 28, 2011 4:32 am): Okay, okay. I’ll give you 1 mill for some news about HL3. You know I’m good for it. So please tell me!  And I won’t tell a soul.

Me (February 28, 2011 5:13 am): I’ll take ANYTHING man!!! Come on!!!!!

[Message from Cell Service Provider:] Click to view a report about the last message you wrote.

[My internal monologue at 5:15 am: What’s this? I knew you couldn’t stay mad at me! I knew you’d respond.]

[Message from Cell Service Provider:] The previous message to G. Freeman could not be delivered.

[My internal monologue at 5:17 am: Well, at least I didn’t embarrass myself.]

Me (February 29, 2011 7:03 pm): I was such a fool last night. I’m better than that.

Me (March 1, 2011 2 pm): I’m so sorry for my behaviour the other day. I lost it again. I think it’s best for both of us if I disappear for a while.

Me (October 1, 2017 4:16 pm): I’m much better and care free now! Thanks for asking.

Me (January 1, 2018 2:12 pm): Oh, I see what you’re doing ;). You’re playing that old game where you pretend not to know me. Well, two can play that.

Me (February 7, 2018 6 pm):   … ???

Me (August 9, 2018 7:08 pm): You’re really good at this game, Gordon. You can give it up at any time now!

Me (April 8, 2019 5 pm): It’s my bday today! 😀 Any updates? 😉

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Filed under Video Game Misc., Video Games I Play, Video Games I Want

I’m a Man of Few Words

[Goes to play video games.]

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The Video Games That Keep Me up All Night

My eyes felt like they were carrying a heavy burden. I could only relieve myself of this burden by shutting them. I slowly started to close one eye, and then the other became green with envy and followed suit. I sat on my couch about to enter another world. The world was full of comfy pillows, jumping sheep and rest. It was the world of sleep.

I only had to swim across the mental moat separating the two worlds. I dove into the water and let it caress me, let it push me slowly and gently into sleep. But the tranquil ripples turned into a roaring waterfall in an instant, and I nearly drowned. I woke up as if I just surfaced, wiping the perspiration off my forehead.

Clap, flap, clap, flap! All I heard were these sounds that resembled chattering but sadly not the sweet songs of birds. I turned to my right and saw a stack of video game cases flapping their lids as if I wasn’t even there. Imagine the rudeness!

I could not keep my lips sealed. “Will you use wise guys shut your cases! I’m trying to sleep here, and your blathering is keeping me up.”

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Filed under Video Game Misc.

What Was He Thinking?!

I can still remember the old school. No, not fat gold chains swinging around necks and Run-D.M.C. blasting from over-sized grey stereos. I meant my old elementary school days.

And those were the days. Recess, baseball, munching vegetables–which I happened to like–and time to play video games. Not a care in the world.  Though some of us should have cared a bit more about running afoul of the teacher’s law.

And that brings me to something odd that I saw in, oh, let’s say grade six. Picture any old elementary school classroom.

The teacher wore a stern look on her face as she stood at the front of the class and gestured at the board. It was math time. Somehow she would have all the numbers add up to something important.

Meanwhile, Mike, one of the kids in my grade six class, decided to do something else. He swiftly pulled out his Game Boy color from his desk. Now, he tried a little to hide what he was about to do because he placed the Game Boy in his lap and turned it on. But then he, a person with fine hearing, deliberately chose to roll the volume dial to the highest level.

Mike played for up to five seconds with the volume at the highest level and didn’t turn it down. The Pokémon music then flooded the classroom. It was impossible to miss, and the teacher was awake enough to notice.  Well, the teacher made sure his game over screen would come sooner rather than later.

“Michael! Give me that,” she snapped.

She swiped the Game Boy and tossed it into her desk drawer, a secure fortress that sixth graders never dared to open.

Mike’s face grew long, his eyebrows peaked and his mouth fell open. He looked at us, his classmates, in disbelief. Presumably, the teacher’s actions surprised him.

But I was more bewildered. If you’re going to do a job, do it right. I mean, if he was trying to get away with playing video games during class, why would he play with the volume at the highest possible level? What was he thinking?!


Note: I have never attempted to play a game during class. But how would you have–or how did you–sneak video games into the classroom? How did that work out for you?

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Filed under Video Game Misc.

A Freshly Baked Video Game

Did you play a blockbuster video game this past year that didn’t work? I’m sure you heard about Halo, among others. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

I wish there was someone in the video game world who could fix these problems. Some person who could snap their finger and make all the heartache go away. Well, I think there is one person.

I think we need something like a video game chef. We need someone who can test a freshly made game and say if it’s ready.

And if isn’t ready, the chef would say, “It’s RAW! You @#&%! Now take it back, make it properly and then give it to the customer for free when it’s ready!”

Say, does Gordon Ramsay like video games? Yeah, maybe he could do it. If only video games were that simple.

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Cruel Achievements Ruin Everyone’s Day

text that says insulting achievement unlockedI had so many tedious chores to do yesterday. As I glanced over my to-do list, I felt an itch. This wasn’t lice in my hair or something that begged for a scratch. It was an itch to finish the game I started the other day.

“Better play now,” I thought. “The dirty dishes can wait. Besides, if I didn’t do something now,” I reasoned, “the itch would only get worse.”

So I sat down and continued what seemed like a regular play session. I set out to find all the hidden fruit in the game and unlock an achievement for this feat. After I grabbed the last set of grapes, the achievement popped up. I felt a surge of excitement, accomplishment and adrenaline mix into a cocktail of euphoria. But then I saw something strange. It brought me down from this natural high.

You have unlocked “Grapes of Wrath – 0 Exp.”

I thought to myself, “Well, that was a waste of time.”

The summary confirmed this, “Whoop-Dee-do! You collected all the hidden fruit in the game. Why don’t you go make a fruit salad with all of it?”

I decided to keep playing and forget the thing had ever happened. And, sure enough, the game became fun again. Everything was fine.

After a while, I paused the game and made myself a quick sandwich. It had meatballs – which had marinated in marinara – and gooey cheese. I played the game with one hand and managed to eat half of the sandwich with the other. That worked for about five minutes. Then another achievement popped up.

“Ha,” I thought, “I deserve an achievement for beating half of this game.”

Boy was I ever wrong.

“You’re a disgusting pig” unlocked. The summary read “Hey lazy boy! Put down the sandwich, get off the couch and get outside!”

I shrugged it off. After all, I was relaxing after a long day and words don’t hurt my feelings.

Yet, in truth, the achievement had bothered me. I lost focus and watched in horror as zombies slaughtered my character a dozen times. On top of that, my character fell off a couple of cliffs because I couldn’t think straight.

Then another achievement appeared on the screen.

“You have unlocked Epic Fail – You’ve died 1000 times. So put down the controller, hang your head in shame, and walk away already.”

That was the last straw. I was going to beat this game and prove it wrong. It would soon find out about my skill.

I charged the through the swarm of zombies and survived. I scaled the treacherous precipices on the cliff that had tested my patience. And I still had time to make a fruit salad in the game. “Ha I proclaimed to myself. That was easy.”

Then something popped on the screen. “You have unlocked Wasted. You have wasted 10,000 hours on this game. You’re pathetic. How can you stand yourself?”

“Why you little…,” I started to say.

There was no time to argue. The game could insult me all it wanted and make stuff up. It was crazy. So I trudged toward the finish line and made it across in record time. The game was over!

As the credits rolled, I dreaded seeing another achievement. Sure enough, it appeared just as I hoped to escape the game’s insults.

“You are terrible at video games. Seriously. Just give up already. Don’t you have something better you could be doing with your time? Oh wait, no you don’t”

“That’s it! I’ve had just about enough of this,” I said. I lunged toward the TV determined to destroy the console forever.

Before I couldn’t finish my foul deed, I felt sweat drench my forehead. My clothes were covered in sweat too. I opened my bloodshot eyes wide and found myself sitting upright in bed at 2 AM.

I surveyed the room and took it all in. The apartment was quiet, except for the TV in the other room.

“Haha it was all a dream. There’s no game like that.” I laughed out loud.

My roommate furrowed his brow and steadied his gaze on me. “Are you alright? He had a puzzled look on his face with one eyebrow arched higher.” I ignored him for now, and he walked away.

“It was only a dream… only a dream. None of it really happened,” I said.

My eyes started to feel heavy as if a giant boulder weighed them down. I instinctively grabbed a half-eaten meatball sandwich on my end-table, took a bite and then let it fall on my bed. I was fast asleep again.

***

Meanwhile, somewhere far away in a deep, dark cave, a pasty man roars with laughter. His flabby jowls jiggle as if made of jello. He taps away with Flash Gordon-like speed at a keyboard. Then he stops, scans the screen, and shakes his head. “Oh man, the achievements in my new game are too cruel.”


What if achievements were cruel and picked on people? That was the prompt that inspired this silly post.

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Filed under Silly Video Game Inspired Fiction

Are You a Wild Animal?

Let’s go on a safari. We’ll take a close look at video game players in the wild. Below is a list of seven types of wild gaming animals.

Dinosaur

Dinosaurs only play old school video games. Do you play 3D games on a current console? “You should be ashamed of yourself,” a dinosaur might say.

The dinosaur thinks 3D is a major heresy. If it was up to them, they’d excommunicate you from the gaming community.

Pig

This type is pretty self-explanatory. Pig gamers live in sties and don’t care about their living quarters when they play. Oink! Oink!

Bull

Bulls are easily angered. They also tend to throw controllers and such. Watch out! They get especially angry when they see their character’s red blood on the screen. Clear the room when this happens because you could get hurt.

Frog

Frogs jump from game to game but never finish anything they start playing. They get bored easily. When they don’t care for a game, they stick their tongue out at it in disgust.

Beaver

Beavers collect logs to dam rivers and make their home. Some game players share similarities with their rodent friends, but these people are far less practical. These gamers collect vast quantities of games and like to stare at their collection from afar.

There are two types of beavers. The digital kind loves to grab huge amounts of games during Steam sales. The hard copy beaver loves to see a towering stack of games in their living room.

Bunnies

Bunnies, with their pure white coats, are innocent and don’t recognize danger. Wolves devour these innocent noobs online.

Wolves

Wolves are vicious when they are out on a hunt for innocent prey. They’ll show no mercy and might even desecrate your corpse in an online game.

Bonus post: You might be a snail or a hedgehog. Check out my post Help! I’m a Video Game Snail to diagnose yourself.


Which type of gaming animal are you? Did I forget an animal or two? Are you combination? Maybe a bullfrog?

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Filed under Video Game Misc.

My Video Game Console Took over My Living Room

I woke up one Saturday morning to the sounds of shrill shouting. As I tip toed toward my living room, the shouting became louder. My teeth chattered. My knees buckled. What could it be?

Rolling thunder made a rumbling sound as if someone was moving heavy furniture on the floor above me. A crack of white-hot lightning bleached the sky as I sauntered past the window. And then I saw it.

I saw a face with a nasty snarl, pointy teeth and menacing eyes. It looked like an evil Jack O’Lantern; only the face was on my TV set!

As I scanned the living room, I noticed all of my electronics were standing in a long line in front of the TV. They looked like a set of dominoes. I could only tell the electronics apart because they sported long, sad faces, each one longer and sadder than the previous one.

My cellphone, my other video game boxes, game controllers, remotes, and blu rays were all there. They huffed and puffed while running to join the line. Like trees, the DVDs showed their age by the multiple rings that ran around them.

What were they doing? They lined up to bow before the TV and offered it gifts. They brought surge protectors, extension cords and a new set of speakers.

“Yes, yes bow down before me—the master of the living room. I am the supreme video game console of the universe,” the TV bellowed.

I noticed my video game console glowed an unearthly hue and levitated off of the table. The console was just using my TV as a mouthpiece to broadcast its message of world domination.

I rubbed my eyes and could now see clearly. My console had taken over my living room!

Your Video Game Console is Coming for You Next

It can happen to anyone. Just think about how much your console does for you and what it might want in return.  Oh,the horror! The horror!

1. Games

You couldn’t resist the bright and shiny allure of a new console. Then, once you got one, you needed something to play. Slowly, you amassed a heap of game boxes that you’ve scattered across your living room.

2. Motion Controls

So you’ve got your TV remote and maybe another remote for movies. Now you’ve got motion controllers and Kinect there.

3. Movies and TV

These are wildly popular. Who knows what’s next?

Keep your eyes open and always beware what lurks in the shadows. You’ve been warned.

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Filed under Video Game Technology

Interview: Generic Space Marine

Video game space marineWelcome back to my series of posts where I get up close and personal with video game characters. Inspired by Wreck-It-Ralph, I travel into video game worlds to interview their denizens.

For today’s interview, I traveled deep into the dark recesses of space until I stumbled upon a strange sight. It was half human and half machine. On top of its head was a massive helmet that almost weighed more than me. It wore a shade of generic green space marine armor. I was in awe.

On with the show.

***

Me: So you spend a lot of time in space. You say you just flew back from space to earth for this interview. Are your arms tired?

SM: That some kind of joke, punk? Let me tell you the story of a giggling joker ripped apart by alien lasers. He won’t laugh ever again.

Me: What were you doing in space?

SM: I took the fight to the alien home world. Stole some of their guns too and that really made their green blood boil.

Me: Have you been on any other missions lately?

SM: I did some covert ops, government cover ups, redacted files, blah, blah, blah. I’d tell you more but then I’d have to blast you.

(Cracks knuckles)

Me: Uh ok. Does it hurt when you are repeatedly shot during missions?

SM: Nah, my life is not the slightest bit realistic. I completed all my missions despite absorbing thousands of bullets. My eyes saw everything painted red, and my heart pounded so loud that passersby could hear it. But I mostly just walked it off or took cover and regained perfect health. Even when the damage became overwhelming, I’d get back up, dust off my shoulders and try again.

Me: Wow! Do you think medical science will ever let all of us just walk off illness? Could you hold the secret to curing all disease?

SM: How should I know bub. I’m just a space marine.

Me: How do you handle all this blood and killing? Do you ever get sick of it?

SM: Nah I love it! (Punches his fists together).

Wait (sheds a tear)… I – sometimes I long to bake cookies, skip through grassy meadows on warm spring days and pick up pretty purple flowers.

But it can be so lonely sometimes being a war machine. People don’t know that I find it hard to express my feelings, display emotions or show affection. Why, the other day, I picked up a flower but accidentally crushed it with my powerful grip.

I long to share my feelings, to take this mask off… I think it all goes back to the fact that my parents didn’t love me enough as a child. My dad was a cold space marine in the 8 bit days and my mom…

Ah what am I talking about! Delete that from the interview. I’ve got a persona to keep up. (Chomps freshly lit Cuban cigar and blows smoke into my face.)

Me: (cough, cough) Right… So you’ve appeared in a lot of games. Do you ever play them?

SM: Definitely not! And you shouldn’t either. They’re a waste of time and they kill brain cells. I’ve taken enough brain damage in the line of duty. Thank you very much. Oh, and don’t forget to buy my new game on Christmas.

Me: Ok, I think we’ve covered you’re games enough. Tell me what you like to do for fun?

SM: Take my tank for a stroll through the streets and shoot anyone who looks like a bad guy.

Me: That sounds like vigilante justice. What if they’re not a bad guy?

SM: Listen, pal, I’m not a detective here, alright? I don’t investigate everyone before I shoot. That wouldn’t make for a thrilling game. I also don’t come down to where you work and tell you what to do.

Me: How about loving and eating? How do you do that when your helmet is always on? Doesn’t it get dirty?

SM: You don’t want to know, pal.

Me: What’s it like being a space marine? I mean doesn’t it get lonely?

SM: Oh it gets so lonely sometimes that I want to cry. (Audible sniffles)

Me: Is that – Is that a tear running down your visor?

SM: No, no it’s nothing. Next question!

Me: Do you think about anything besides death?

SM: I’m programmed and hard-wired to focus on those.

Me: But do you have any free will or are just a digital killing machine?

SM: Whoa, whoa, whoa… don’t get all egghead on me.

Me: You’re not that bright. Are you?

SM: That’s it! I’ve had just about all I can handle of you. Come here so I can beat the living brains out of you.

(I run off. The interview ends)

So the space marine in your video game may seem invincible. But they might also have unresolved childhood issues, anger management and difficulty expressing emotion. Guess it’s not so great to be a space marine after all.

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Filed under Video Game Misc.

The Undead Speak

Video game zombie interviewWelcome to a new series of posts. Inspired by Wreck-It-Ralph, I travel into video game worlds to interview their denizens.

For today’s interview, I travelled deep underground until I smelled a foul stench. It was zombies. A huge horde of them with their putrefied flesh stood before me. Pretending to be half dead – which isn’t all that difficult for me to do on a weekday morning – I slunk through the hoard. I searched for some intelligent companionship in the crowd.

A tame half zombie, apparently not yet turned, approached me. He explained he could speak, reason, laugh and love because he still had a large part of his brain. He was only bitten last week. And now he was my test subject – er – I mean interviewee.

***

Q: Do you like to live as a zombie?

I was human until last week when one of the undead bit me. I have to say that it has been a dramatic change. In fact, it stinks. It stinks worse than my rotten flesh.

You get up in the morning, take the subway to work and, unless there is a system crash, you charge the protagonist. Then you die and do it over again until you want to rip off your own arms. Oh, wait…

My life is not all bad though. Sometimes the protagonist makes stupid mistakes, and my friends and I gorge on his brains. The protagonist’s AI partner is particularly stupid, and we enjoy munching on his brains too. Sometimes you’ll see the partner charge right into us or run around in circles because of a glitch. What a rube!

(His green face lights up a little. He smiles and some black pearls fall out of his mouth)

But this terrible hunger never abates. Speaking of which, didn’t you say you had some lovely brains for me?

Q: Uh, no… anyway, let’s change subjects. Do you ever get lonely?

Yes, it can be tough out here for a zombie. We have to hustle everyday for the brains to survive. But most of my friends are boring.

The zombie horde is only made up of 4 or 5 identical zombies. That’s because the game I live in only has that many zombie skins. The game studio was too lazy to add more. So we all think alike and look alike. It gets old down here fast.

Q: You sound a bit depressed. Why do you bother to rise from your grave in the morning?

To be honest, I like to indulge in the arts, culture and gourmet foods. I like to stay fit and healthy to keep up my natural green glow.

If it wasn’t for these finer things, I would have no reason to stay undead. I would delete my code from the game.

Also, I really like brains!

Q: I see. Do you do anything else besides eating brains and playing in video games?

Well, my agent and I have big plans after this video game season. We’re making moves into movies. That’s where the money is. And that’s where you get respect and fame.

Take a look at zombies in movies and what do you see? They only work a couple of hours a day, they have palatial estates and fast cars. Yes, my next stop is Hollywood. Nothing can stop me.

But before I do that… I want brains, brains, brains!

***

Interviewers note:

At this point, the zombie started to rub his belly and point to a large bubbling cauldron. He approached me and tapped my head with his index finger. After these actions, I ran as fast I could and the interview concluded.

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