Tag Archives: interview

A Conversation with A Video Game Zombie

“Hello everyone and welcome to another thrilling episode of ‘Behind the Video Game.’ I’m your host Chad Baker, and I like to interview the talent behind the video games you love. I also like to search out the unknown stories behind your favourite games. Tonight, I’m speaking to ‘generic zombie #099.’

But, hey folks, I’m gonna quit yappin’ so we can start the interview.”

***

The zombie’s exposed skull is dripping wet. A large chunk of brain falls from its head and splats on the ground.

Chad: “Oh, I think this belongs you.”

Chad picks up the chunk of brain and plops it back into the zombie’s hollow head.

Zombie: “Err” [grunts].

Chad: “So, tell me, how did you get started in this business? What was your big break?”

Zombie: “Grrrrrrrrrr”

Chad: “Ha! Ok, not everyone likes to talk about their past. I get it.

I understand you appear in an upcoming game. Tell me about the work you’re doing on the new Left 4 Dead. How’s that going?”

Zombie: [Screeching and hissing].

Chad: “I see. Boy am I hungry! Let’s you and I get a bite to eat. That’ll help break the ice, and maybe make you feel a little more at home.”

Suddenly, the chain tying the zombie to his chair snaps. The undead monster lurches forward with an outstretched and rotten arm.

Zombie: “Brrrrraiiiins!”

Chad: “Oh my! This interview is over. Tune in next week, folks, when we talk to a Goomba. In the meantime, run!”

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Interview: Generic Space Marine

Video game space marineWelcome back to my series of posts where I get up close and personal with video game characters. Inspired by Wreck-It-Ralph, I travel into video game worlds to interview their denizens.

For today’s interview, I traveled deep into the dark recesses of space until I stumbled upon a strange sight. It was half human and half machine. On top of its head was a massive helmet that almost weighed more than me. It wore a shade of generic green space marine armor. I was in awe.

On with the show.

***

Me: So you spend a lot of time in space. You say you just flew back from space to earth for this interview. Are your arms tired?

SM: That some kind of joke, punk? Let me tell you the story of a giggling joker ripped apart by alien lasers. He won’t laugh ever again.

Me: What were you doing in space?

SM: I took the fight to the alien home world. Stole some of their guns too and that really made their green blood boil.

Me: Have you been on any other missions lately?

SM: I did some covert ops, government cover ups, redacted files, blah, blah, blah. I’d tell you more but then I’d have to blast you.

(Cracks knuckles)

Me: Uh ok. Does it hurt when you are repeatedly shot during missions?

SM: Nah, my life is not the slightest bit realistic. I completed all my missions despite absorbing thousands of bullets. My eyes saw everything painted red, and my heart pounded so loud that passersby could hear it. But I mostly just walked it off or took cover and regained perfect health. Even when the damage became overwhelming, I’d get back up, dust off my shoulders and try again.

Me: Wow! Do you think medical science will ever let all of us just walk off illness? Could you hold the secret to curing all disease?

SM: How should I know bub. I’m just a space marine.

Me: How do you handle all this blood and killing? Do you ever get sick of it?

SM: Nah I love it! (Punches his fists together).

Wait (sheds a tear)… I – sometimes I long to bake cookies, skip through grassy meadows on warm spring days and pick up pretty purple flowers.

But it can be so lonely sometimes being a war machine. People don’t know that I find it hard to express my feelings, display emotions or show affection. Why, the other day, I picked up a flower but accidentally crushed it with my powerful grip.

I long to share my feelings, to take this mask off… I think it all goes back to the fact that my parents didn’t love me enough as a child. My dad was a cold space marine in the 8 bit days and my mom…

Ah what am I talking about! Delete that from the interview. I’ve got a persona to keep up. (Chomps freshly lit Cuban cigar and blows smoke into my face.)

Me: (cough, cough) Right… So you’ve appeared in a lot of games. Do you ever play them?

SM: Definitely not! And you shouldn’t either. They’re a waste of time and they kill brain cells. I’ve taken enough brain damage in the line of duty. Thank you very much. Oh, and don’t forget to buy my new game on Christmas.

Me: Ok, I think we’ve covered you’re games enough. Tell me what you like to do for fun?

SM: Take my tank for a stroll through the streets and shoot anyone who looks like a bad guy.

Me: That sounds like vigilante justice. What if they’re not a bad guy?

SM: Listen, pal, I’m not a detective here, alright? I don’t investigate everyone before I shoot. That wouldn’t make for a thrilling game. I also don’t come down to where you work and tell you what to do.

Me: How about loving and eating? How do you do that when your helmet is always on? Doesn’t it get dirty?

SM: You don’t want to know, pal.

Me: What’s it like being a space marine? I mean doesn’t it get lonely?

SM: Oh it gets so lonely sometimes that I want to cry. (Audible sniffles)

Me: Is that – Is that a tear running down your visor?

SM: No, no it’s nothing. Next question!

Me: Do you think about anything besides death?

SM: I’m programmed and hard-wired to focus on those.

Me: But do you have any free will or are just a digital killing machine?

SM: Whoa, whoa, whoa… don’t get all egghead on me.

Me: You’re not that bright. Are you?

SM: That’s it! I’ve had just about all I can handle of you. Come here so I can beat the living brains out of you.

(I run off. The interview ends)

So the space marine in your video game may seem invincible. But they might also have unresolved childhood issues, anger management and difficulty expressing emotion. Guess it’s not so great to be a space marine after all.

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Interview with A Crotchety, Crusty and Old Console

Interview with a video game consoleSoon the next-gen consoles will rot your brains with the latest mind bending games. You’ll forget all about the current consoles. For posterity’s sake, I sat down and asked the older generation for their views on life and games.

Read on for my exclusive interview with a last gen console. We get up close and personal. I ask the hard questions and probe the dark corners of its psyche.

All of my questions are bold, and the console’s appear below in normal text.

Me: (Cough) Could you put out your cigarette, please?

A: Sheeesh what a picky person you are. Alright, boss, you got it, but I’m not dumping my Scotch just yet.

Me: So how are you?

A: I’m exhausted. My owners busted my disc tray all day. Before that, I was outta commission for a week when a baby shoved peanut butter inside of me. Talk about a sticky situation!

I wish my owners would stop putting their sticky paws all over my controllers. I wish they would stop playing late at night and leaving me on all day. I need rest too! Sometimes I want to zap them with my power cord.

But, to answer your question, I’m alright.

Me: What are you most proud of as a console from the last generation?

A: I haven’t yet taken a dirt nap. I haven’t fallen prey to a high failure rate.

Me: Yes, failure rates have been in the news this generation. From a console’s perspective, can you explain what it feels like to fail?

A:Well, it’s like this: there comes a time in every console’s life when we have to leave the living room. That’s a sad fact.

But that’s just the nature of a console. We start as a loose collection of chips and circuits, and we return to that loose collection in the end.

When we die off, sometimes we land in the dump. Some of us get crippling injuries and need repair. We languish in a sweaty customer service shop and hope for the best while phones ring all day.

We all have to go one day, but we get to play and bring a lot of joy to people along the way. It’s an honour to live, work and play as a console.

Me: That’s very deep. From a console’s perspective, what do you think about used games and preventing people from playing used games?

A: I have no real opinion about used games. But I hope more people pick up games because that means more playing with me. It gets awfully lonely to sit there and collect dust all month. Trust me, some of my friends who are Wiis have told me all about the horrors of dust.

Me: So are you looking forward to downloadable games replacing physical games?

A: Meh, I’ll believe it when I see it, Mac.

Me: Are video games art?

A: Well, feast your eyes on this beast (points toward itself). If nothing else, I am a work of art. At least that’s what your mother says all the time.

Me: Now that’s just uncalled for and rude. Moving on, what’s the future of video games?

A: We’ll take over the world! There will be better graphics, more immersion, better access to games, more great independent games, and world peace. That’s just a start, though that last one might take a long time.

***

There you have it: my interview with a crotchety old console. What questions would you ask? I might be able to ask it a couple more and publish an update.

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