Interview with A Crotchety, Crusty and Old Console

Interview with a video game consoleSoon the next-gen consoles will rot your brains with the latest mind bending games. You’ll forget all about the current consoles. For posterity’s sake, I sat down and asked the older generation for their views on life and games.

Read on for my exclusive interview with a last gen console. We get up close and personal. I ask the hard questions and probe the dark corners of its psyche.

All of my questions are bold, and the console’s appear below in normal text.

Me: (Cough) Could you put out your cigarette, please?

A: Sheeesh what a picky person you are. Alright, boss, you got it, but I’m not dumping my Scotch just yet.

Me: So how are you?

A: I’m exhausted. My owners busted my disc tray all day. Before that, I was outta commission for a week when a baby shoved peanut butter inside of me. Talk about a sticky situation!

I wish my owners would stop putting their sticky paws all over my controllers. I wish they would stop playing late at night and leaving me on all day. I need rest too! Sometimes I want to zap them with my power cord.

But, to answer your question, I’m alright.

Me: What are you most proud of as a console from the last generation?

A: I haven’t yet taken a dirt nap. I haven’t fallen prey to a high failure rate.

Me: Yes, failure rates have been in the news this generation. From a console’s perspective, can you explain what it feels like to fail?

A:Well, it’s like this: there comes a time in every console’s life when we have to leave the living room. That’s a sad fact.

But that’s just the nature of a console. We start as a loose collection of chips and circuits, and we return to that loose collection in the end.

When we die off, sometimes we land in the dump. Some of us get crippling injuries and need repair. We languish in a sweaty customer service shop and hope for the best while phones ring all day.

We all have to go one day, but we get to play and bring a lot of joy to people along the way. It’s an honour to live, work and play as a console.

Me: That’s very deep. From a console’s perspective, what do you think about used games and preventing people from playing used games?

A: I have no real opinion about used games. But I hope more people pick up games because that means more playing with me. It gets awfully lonely to sit there and collect dust all month. Trust me, some of my friends who are Wiis have told me all about the horrors of dust.

Me: So are you looking forward to downloadable games replacing physical games?

A: Meh, I’ll believe it when I see it, Mac.

Me: Are video games art?

A: Well, feast your eyes on this beast (points toward itself). If nothing else, I am a work of art. At least that’s what your mother says all the time.

Me: Now that’s just uncalled for and rude. Moving on, what’s the future of video games?

A: We’ll take over the world! There will be better graphics, more immersion, better access to games, more great independent games, and world peace. That’s just a start, though that last one might take a long time.


There you have it: my interview with a crotchety old console. What questions would you ask? I might be able to ask it a couple more and publish an update.

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