[Goes to play video games.]
Tag Archives: humour
My eyes felt like they were carrying a heavy burden. I could only relieve myself of this burden by shutting them. I slowly started to close one eye, and then the other became green with envy and followed suit. I sat on my couch about to enter another world. The world was full of comfy pillows, jumping sheep and rest. It was the world of sleep.
I only had to swim across the mental moat separating the two worlds. I dove into the water and let it caress me, let it push me slowly and gently into sleep. But the tranquil ripples turned into a roaring waterfall in an instant, and I nearly drowned. I woke up as if I just surfaced, wiping the perspiration off my forehead.
Clap, flap, clap, flap! All I heard were these sounds that resembled chattering but sadly not the sweet songs of birds. I turned to my right and saw a stack of video game cases flapping their lids as if I wasn’t even there. Imagine the rudeness!
I could not keep my lips sealed. “Will you use wise guys shut your cases! I’m trying to sleep here, and your blathering is keeping me up.”
To begin, you will need 500 mg of Doctor Von Blunderbuss’ magic elixir. You’ll know you have the right product when you see the green and purple bubbles boiling, and your nostrils sting from a strong a sulfur smell. After downing the bubbles, this product will ignite your adrenaline, and give you the edge you need to be a winner.
Other doctor hate this guy’s powerful elixir because he’s putting them out of business. And you can have this powerful product all to yourself to fuel your gaming marathons. But don’t stop there!
Try the new “Bat” visor with patented aim assist technology. For the visor to be effective, you must wear it all the time and learn to see the world as we want you to see it. But this control over your vision is a small price to pay. After all, you can beat the pros at their own game. You can take on gaming legends and win without them ever knowing what hit them. Now you could settle for beating the pros and other enemies, or y0u could go further. You could have these enemies begging at your feet for mercy. To get them begging, you need to use “The Edge.”
“The Edge” is a pill that has been clinically shown to eliminate all distractions from your play time. No person or thing can stop you from dominating in your digital fantasy playground. Believe in yourself. And then take this dangerous drug that allows us to control your mind, and you’ll win in no time.
Wait! You don’t need any of this junk. You want one trick to get better at video games? Play them more.
A rooster crowed as Jack rubbed his eyes.
“Wait, what? When did I get a rooster?”
Sure enough, the rooster crowed as it pecked at a carpet of newspapers laid out on the floor.
Then he rubbed his temples and the fog cleared in his mind. Now he saw clearly, as the light streamed through the windows, that his apartment was a disaster zone. He remembered only fleeting images of a booze soaked nights, but the empty bottles and greasy pizza boxes refreshed his memory.
Jack Smith, a video game developer, tip-toed and carefully lifted his long gangly legs over the mess. The rotting, fly infested garbage inspired Jack to do something great.
“I decided on making a game called Happy Pizza Beer Party then and there. I hadn’t fully planned out what the game was yet, but I knew my life would chang forever. My previous games hadn’t worked out. I alienated friends, co-workers and teammates during production with my boorish behaviour. I figured I was about due this time for success.”
Smith liked to party, to take risks and gamble. He had saved up enough change after years of playing cards to create this game. “I felt like nothing could stop me from making this game,” he said.
Smith spent half of his money to work on the concept alone. To do it, he went to the local bar. The bartender asked, “What will you have? The usual?” “Nah, I’ll have a cocktail napkin,” he replied.
The bewildered bartender handed over the white square. “Something wrong?,” he asked. Smith was busy scribbling down the game’s concept on a napkin and ignored the bartender. He wrote these words “drinking and pizza eating simulator and/ or competition.”
After a couple of drinks, Smith fleshed out his central idea. Players would have to balance their health meter while they aimed to guzzle the most beer and devour trays of pizza. They could tap buttons at a certain speed to pace their digestion and stay alive. Players would need to balance health with the urge to eat.
To realize his plans for the game, Jack assembled a team of game developers in New York City. First he had to test their mettle in a drink-off. He subjected the winners who still stood after downing a keg to a pizza show down. Smith thought the nine winners of these competitions had proven their dedication to him, and by extension, his video game. He hired them and they started developing the game in March 2012.
Sadly, a wave of misfortune hit the team as they worked. They couldn’t afford to hire extra staff so each team member had to work twice as hard. When the team lost government funding, they let go of two employees and lived off of ramen. They had hit rock bottom. But Smith refused to give up and forced the team to work on weekends. In fact, finishing the game became his obsession destroying his relationships with everyone.
As one ex employee said “He was like a dictator, and we followed orders to stay alive. All hands were on deck to finish the game.”
The team finished a prototype one year after they started work on the game. They paraded the game at local conventions where the air was thick with nerd sweat. The feedback they received led them to revise the game, submit it to publishers, then throw it out and start again.
Two months later, the team squashed all the bugs and released the game. Jack’s team spent $2 million dollars making the game and sold it for $10. Jack and the team received universal praise from fans and critics. The fans wrote love letters to the team. Almost every critic had something positive to say about the game.
Video games Nebula called it “…a breath taking revelation, an electrifying experience made all the more intense because I accidentally dropped a toaster in the bathtub while playing.” However, some guy in pajamas in his parent’s basement called it “sub par” and said he’d “rather spend time with his blow up doll.” But that guy was the exception.
The game went on to sell millions of copies worldwide. Jack summed up the game’s significance best: “Wow! I can’t believe it worked. Never has so much creativity come from binge drinking.”
Sometimes I wonder about the origin stories of my favourite games. Did any of them have similar stories? I have immense respect, though, for the hardworking developers who make games.
(1) Ratchet and Clank: A Crack In Time
The Ratchet and Clank series is famous for its weapons, and one of my favourites is the Groovitron Glove. It launches shiny disco balls and plays music that causes any enemy to dance. For a moment, you are at disco club full of bad guys. Feel free to laugh at the giant mech’s lame dance moves. It can’t hurt you when it feels the rhythm deeps in its cold circuits.
So the glove sounds great in a video game. I mean, it can stop bad guys and entertain you. But you might have overlooked its practical use in life.
This glove is one of those rare video game weapons that could help people. I’m not much of a dancer and feel self-conscious about my “moves.” But pull out the Groovitron at a wedding and – bam ! – I could become the life of the party.
Better yet, the Groovitron could bring us word peace. If you dance non-stop, you won’t have time to start or continue a war. Imagine a peace conference where everyone danced their way to a mutual understanding.
Now we must buy a large supply of disco balls in the name of world peace. It’s all on us, people! Do you want to explain to the next generation that you were too cheap to prevent war?
I think Insomniac, the developer of A Crack in Time, made this glove to promote peace and have a laugh. The Groovitron is their plan to solve the world’s problems.
At the very least, they seem proud of all their weapons. They took the time to make humorous, cartoon movies to introduce the armaments. I love these movies and appreciate when developers add details like this to a game. The details often set games apart, keeping them in your memory long after you beat them.
Plasmids are serums that give gamers magic powers in this game. Plasmids include, but are not limited to, telekinesis, an electric bolt attack, and an “insect swarm” power that shoots bees out of your hands. I guess the bees are useful when you want to sting and irritate the skin of your enemies.
But the “insect swarm” plasmid might help the world’s bees. It seems colony collapse disorder kills honey bees all around the world. Do not fret. If we need healthy bees for agriculture, we could always use the plasmid to spawn them on demand.
I suggest you play BioShock and do some research on bees. While you play, I recommend you watch the humorous cartoon movies that introduce each weapon with a touch of class.
I love the creative weapons in A Crack in Time and BioShock. But you don’t need to play these games to appreciate the Groovitron or insect swarm. You should know that these weapons/ powers could solve world peace and bee deaths.