Category Archives: Video Game Misc.

March 23, 2014 · 6:55 pm

How to Become a Zombie

how to become a video game zombieYou don’t need a zombie to bite you. You don’t need an environmental disaster to transform you into one of the undead. There’s also no mystery about how to transform from a human to a zombie. In fact, millions of people can transform into zombies from the comfort of their living room. This practical guide allows you to play all the video games you want and still become one of the undead. You’ll crave brains in no time!

* Note: this process is expensive and can take weeks to finish.

How to Become a Zombie in 7 Easy Steps

1. First, find a desolate basement devoid of any light. A nice bunker is ideal. If you can’t find a decent abode, nail wood over the windows.

2. Ensure you have no contact with the outside world or friends and family. Contact with these people is healthy, and this behaviour is very un-zombie-like.

3. Ensure there are no food sources nearby. So empty your fridge and focus on the task at hand. Then, as a reward for your hard work, you can eat some hands as a zombie.

4. Ensure you have a comfy couch. Ideally, you want to know the couch better and can’t stand to be away from it.

5. Ensure you have all the latest video game consoles and a high-end PC. Plug all of them in front of the couch and place the handhelds next to you. You’ll want huge TVs. The TVs should make your local movie theater seem like a fossil from prehistoric times.

6. Now play video games almost non-stop for one week.

7. Your skin will slowly turn green. Most of what little brains you had will shrivel. You will start to drool puddles of saliva on yourself, but you’re not salivating because of normal hunger. Your hunger for human food – plant or animal – will dissipate. Instead, an insatiable appetite for brains will overpower all other urges.

Congrats! You’re now a zombie.

Please note: I cannot guarantee you will become a zombie.

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March 9, 2014 · 5:30 pm

Video Game Zeugmas

I beat the video game and the eggs.

I’ll play the game of life and the Xbox with the same winning attitude.

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March 2, 2014 · 9:55 pm

I Love Her More Than Ever

Picture an old man, wrinkled like a dried prune, standing only because of his cane. The neighbourhood kids run to the old man’s front lawn. “Hey mister”, they say, “will you come play video games with us?” “Humph! Games are just for you kids,” replied the old man. He slammed the door, walked away and mumbled something about “more important matters.”

I’ll never be like that old man. Video games are so much fun that I will play them even with grey hair, and my love will remain constant. Yet it took me some time to fall in love with video games.

I love video gamesWhen I was kid, video games were low on my list of interests. I’m sure sugar rushes and running around were higher priorities. There were plenty of things that also grabbed my attention. I had GI Joes to collect, sports to play, knees to scrape, friends to see, bikes to ride, stories to read and school. It seems like there was not a minute left for games.

I found time to play the NES as a kid, but I did not fall in love with games at that point. In those days, you might have seen my avatar walking in circles and dying often. These deaths pulled me out of the game and made it hard to fall in love. Also, when I played NES, I didn’t find many other enthusiastic gamers. The NES was my big brother’s console, and he was not patient enough to explain how to play most of his games. I occasionally played with friends and parents, but they might only join me when they had nothing else to do.

My family didn’t have any special feelings for video games. Growing up, I didn’t always have the latest console or all the latest games. You see, in my family, a new console was a luxury reserved for a special event. In all my childish wisdom, I thought a new console was as major an investment as, say, a car. I always felt games were beyond my piggy bank budget too.

Then, in 2006, I got an Xbox 360 and fell in love with games. It stopped being all about me. My love affair with games blossomed.

I think there were a couple of reasons why I fell in love with games in my twenties. I’m mature now. At least I think so. I mean, mature enough to sit still, to manage my time and to appreciate art, music and good stories. At the same time, I feel like games have matured or at least improved. Games like Mass Effect 2 told engrossing stories that I hadn’t experienced before. Games like Journey even made me reconsider what makes multiplayer and voice chat. Most of all, games are a great way to have fun and keep a child-like joie de vivre as an adult.

So you’ll find me in the old folks home, rocking in my chair, playing games.

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February 9, 2014 · 10:31 pm

You’re Doing it Wrong

video games bloopersSometimes I have no idea what how to play a video game. So I sit down like I was in school to learn all about it. But the basics don’t always seep through my rock-like brain. I’m not always a star pupil.

Sometimes you meet other people who have no idea how to play games either. Oh, don’t laugh. We’ve all got lost at some point, even if we’re an unstoppable online hurricane now. So I took that theme of self-inflicted disaster, or failure, in video games and wrote a post about it. Perhaps you can relate to some of these blunders.

Friendly… Explosions?

Tick, tock, Boom! You hear the sound of a clock winding down. Then a massive and unexpected explosion shakes the screen on your TV.

Your comrades lie scattered and charred. You set off a bomb that killed them all. They’re not happy. They hurl vulgarities at you as your headset blares. “It was just a mistake,” you say. Your team mates beg to differ as they move in for the kill.

In Love with the Floor

Your character wanders around in circles and seems obsessed with the floor. His eyes are so focused on the floor that they seem frozen in a downward gaze. Basic movement is a challenge as he bumps into walls and knocks bricks loose like they were Jenga blocks.

But it’s just a simple corridor. Come on! Well, I understand the problem. You can’t use a joy stick to both handle movement and work the “camera”. This drunken movement sometimes occurs when a person picks up a controller for the first time. Take some baby steps, and you’ll get. I promise.

Hey, I couldn’t use chop sticks at first, but I’m an expert now.

The Need for Burnt Out Speed

Jack Trasher, a seedy speed junkie, skids on a side road. Tires screech and civilians scream “run for your life!” Jack’s speeding car careens around a snow bank, flips in the air and lands with a thump. All the glass has shattered. Acrid smoke, which stings the nostrils, seeps through the front of the car.

Next time, drive on the correct side of the road!

A Strategic Surprise

Your heavily armored, shotgun laden trooper bursts through a glass window. Without a moment to spare, the trooper darts through a warehouse blasting holes in the scaly, sickly skin of aliens.

Then you wake up, rub your eyes and peer down at the square-shaped tiles on the ground. Your jaw drops faster than the apple that – supposedly – hit Sir Isaac Newton on the head. Uh oh! You’re in a turn based strategy game.

The shots you fired had a 30% hit rate and, surprise, they hit nothing but air. Now the aliens swarm around and move in for the kill. The 8 ball’s prediction: the next turn will not end well for you.

If Homer Simpson Played Hockey…

Your skates carve and mark the ice as you sail a long with the puck. Your character winds up his stick and time stops. The crowd’s cheers suddenly seem to halt. Then the stick slaps the puck and projects it through an ill-prepared goalie’s legs. You get ready to scream with joy.

There’s only one problem: the net belongs to your team. Doh!

***

What funny mistakes have you made while playing video games? What’s your gaming bête noire? Come on, don’t act shy, I’m sure there’s something.

I often bump into walls when I play racing games, and that’s probably why I don’t play them these days.

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January 19, 2014 · 9:00 pm

An Oasis among the Sands

Video game roomSometimes life can feel so dry and boring. It can feel like you’re lost and dragging your feet through scorching hot desert dunes. Feeling parched and weak, you long for a place to recharge, relax and refresh yourself.

You, like Nathan Drake, are looking for an oasis in the desert.

My ideal space to play games is like an oasis too. It’s a place to get away from the trouble of the world for a bit. The weltschmerz, the heat, the dust and the cold nights. They’re gone. Taken in the right doses, my oasis is a fantastic tonic for all that ales you.

So let me tell you a bit more about my ideal gaming space. I’ll tell you about all the wonderful things in there, besides games, that make it so good. This is where I get to be a kid again.

Stairs?

You’ve got to be kidding me. The oasis is in the basement. There are no stairs.  To get to the room, you have to slide down a pole from any floor in the house.

Now, you could come from outside and open a door to walk straight into the oasis. But the pole, used from another floor, is the preferred means of entrance. In fact, let’s make it mandatory. Make sure you’re wearing the right kinds of pants though; otherwise, your legs may spark as you glide down to the basement.

Once you’ve slid down the pole into the room, you’ll notice the nearly blinding light. There will be tons of windows, light fixtures and a sun roof. The light and vitamin D would keep me from looking like a pasty and ghoulish zombie.

Well, alright, you’ll notice more than the light. You’ll see paint and all the other accoutrements of a well-furnished room. Just sit back and relax in the oasis.

Getting Comfy

You’ll want to plop yourself down on the comfy couch to start playing. The couch will be long enough to hold you and five other friends for game time. Ideally, the couch will feel so comfy that you will sink into it like quicksand but, you know, without the terrible death. The room is more livable than that. I promise.

It’s really designed for two to three hour play sessions. There’s no time for all the petty human problems like obsessive gaming or midnight marathons. Instead, those brief hours will be full of joy. A trampoline in the basement will cheer everyone up, even during bad sessions. Playing at a desk, by contrast, is passé.

I can see myself jumping and waggling a motion controller at the same time. Obviously the ceiling will tower above me like a skyscraper, and I’ll love every minute of playing that way.

Machines, Energy and Speed

Yes, this room will be a relaxing oasis where humans and machines get along. The literary theme of humans vs. machines does not play out in this bastion of games. Unless, of course, you’re angry about your console breaking.

Speaking of machines, the room will have two of them. One is a top of the line PC and the other is a mystery console. The PC will also come in handy when I want to play a game and then immediately write a blog post about it. Of course, I’d want to share that work with all of you right away.

So I’d need a light speed fast internet connection to do all these things and to download games. I don’t play many multiplayer games, but I love to download the latest releases. I mean, those quirky downloadable games on Steam can sometime outclass their retail brethren. The good news is downloading means less cabinet space.

All that jumping, downloading and playing means I’ll need time to refuel. I eschew all the stereotypical gamer food in favour of chewing my cooking. There’s no place for refueling on Mountain Dew and Doritos in this space. But I would add a huge movie theatre style popcorn maker. That way, playing with friends will feel as fun as going to the movies.

And there’s a bathroom in there somewhere too.

I never want to leave!

***

What’s your ideal gaming room? Make it as silly as possible.

 

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January 5, 2014 · 7:14 pm

My Week in Games

my week in games I spend most of this post comparing a week I had to video games I’ve played. Trust me, it’s not as boring as it sounds. I left out all the boring bits and replaced them with bacon. Savour every word.

1. Plan

Fun and success don’t always happen at random. You have to have plan goals, make outlines and revise your expectations. Then things might work out.

I plan many important things during my week. I’ve got to stay on budget, buy food, and cook delicious dinners. Then I have to work and plan to take over the world. Oh, uh that last one was a joke.

You also have to plan for success in Civilization. You need a strategy to beat the game or take over the civilized world. There’s some luck involved too.

However, there are some differences between my life and Civilization. Even though I save my money, I likely won’t beat all other countries to an economic victory.

2. Learn

I love to read. Maybe I’ll turn on some music while I read. Maybe I’ll have a nice snifter of something to feel special.

The Sims’ world is not always this peaceful when a character reads. Other people could run around your house while they are on fire. Or a burglar could rob if you don’t have the latest alarm installed.

But The Sims has one awesome feature: you can speed read and learn fast. Imagine if could sit down and hit fast forward while you read. You’d flip through pages faster than an open book in a wind tunnel. This ability to learn fast could advance my career. Then a mysterious car could pick me up for work, just like The Sims. Oh wait! That last part doesn’t sound very safe or fun.

3. Cook

I love to cook. It is peaceful, creative and always leaves my stomach happy. When the food turns out right, it is definitely a weekly highlight for me. I wouldn’t say I’m a gourmet. I like to cook and hope for the best – with my fingers crossed.

Cooking Mama is a game that probably captures my love of good food done right. I say probably because I’ve never played it. Also, unlike “mama,” I don’t have a pink beret type thing in my hair.

4. Drenched

This past summer, when I wrote this post, some bad storms drenched me. I sloshed through soaked streets as my shoes made squishy sounds. The storms all started with a Heavy Rain. In one bad storm, some major roads in my city looked like an Endless Ocean.

5. Exercise

I find stress melts away when I ride my bike, run, and play frisbee. But I never played any games based on these activities. I have played a few sports games but don’t make time for them these days.

Maybe International Soccer Superstar 64, my sole sports game for N64, best describes my exercise regimen. I used to play it with a friend in elementary school. Whenever he scored against me, he would sometimes jump off the couch and run around the room and scream, “Baggio, Baggio, Baggioooo!” Strange. He’d do this even when he scored without Baggio. And, yes, he was one of the “popular” kids. On second thought, this was more a silly anecdote than a game that describes my weekly exercise regimen.

As a teenager, I used to mountain bike with friends. Maybe Downhill Domination, a mountain biking game I played on PS2, describes my exercise regimen. Of course it does. I used to land 30 foot drops on my bike with ease, pick fights and collect glowing orbs while cycling. Ok, looks like I can’t describe exercise well with games.

6. Garden

I love to grow vegetables and herbs. When I wrote this post, I was already eating the fruits of my garden. If I couldn’t grow vegetables outside, I could always plant digital greens in Animal Crossing. But I prefer the real thing to digital counterparts any day.

7. Misc.

Boring administrative tasks and other things also fill my week. I think The Sims captures these chores quite well and managed to make them fun. I can’t say chores are fun in my life.

***

How do the video games you play compare with your life? Do the two mirror each other at all?

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December 29, 2013 · 4:39 pm

Clean up Your Apartment, Please!

A sea of silver game disc backsides;
Quartz mine on a shiny summer day.

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December 15, 2013 · 9:27 pm

Level Up Everything Until You Drop II

Video game hippieOur fun deprived world needs video games. Great games are fun, they might inspire us to ponder life’s big questions, and the game industry employs so many people. But what if video games could make our lives a little easier too?

We could borrow the concept of leveling up – a video game term – and use it to make life easier. When you level something up in a game, it’s usually a joy to do it. You might then customize or upgrade that thing to improve it. You could level up your character, a weapon or a vehicle.

Now, imagine if you could level up things to help you in life. Here’s a fun list of things that I wrote:

1. Level Up Chores

Garbage

Taking out the trash is a time-consuming and stinky affair. I can think of many other things that I’d rather do.

If I could level up doing the garbage, I would get a robot. R.O.B., that delightful Nintendo creature, could do the job. He would organize my garbage, recycling and leaves, and wheel it out to the front lawn on collections days.

No need to get my hands covered in rotten vegetables when the bags break. No flies buzzing around me. No fishy smell from the garbage bin.

Everything would smell rosy. That is, of course, unless my robot turned on me and dumped the garbage all over me. I’d better hire another robot to keep an eye on R.O.B., just in case.

Washing dishes

You might wash dishes with your hands. Or you might use a dishwasher that runs on foamy soap and leaves your dishes sparkling clean. Either way, you’re spending a lot of time and money to do this chore.

I think Pokémon could help us here. If I were to level up doing the dishes, I would use a Squirtle, or something similar, to get the job done. I think a Blastoise might just destroy any fine china you have. Then I could do all the dishes without spending a dime on water for this chore.

What about if you’re catering for a party? How would you clean up all of your dishes? I would level up a Squirtle until it evolved into a Blastoise to spray all the dishes at once. Step back and put on your safety goggles first.

Cutting grass

Level up and then use sonic supersonic speed to cut the grass. The neighbours would feel dizzy as they watch a blue blur cut everything in under a minute. But then they’d have a smile on their face and the neighbourhood would seem like a happier place all because of my lawn.

2. Level Up Transportation

Deflection shield

Imagine if you could level up a shield to keep people or objects from bumping into you. Pedestrians would feel a lot safer crossing the street. Cars wouldn’t crash into each other. Cyclists could ride safely on the street without fear. Children could run into the street to pick up a stray soccer ball.

Ok, I think you get the point.

Cars without damage

Alright, drivers wreck their cars all the time. What if we could borrow the idea of damage-free cars from racing games? I’m talking about old school games here. Also, race car drivers no longer need to fret about totaling their cars when they crash into a will.

Hover Boots

You need to move from point A to point B as fast as possible. How are you going to do that? Running on your feet is so pedestrian, and hover boots are so much better. They’ll get you where need to go to save the day. Start saving up those experience points today so you can level up your plain old boots.

3. Level Up Time

No more time-wasting. That means more time to love others and more time for this blog and my short stories.

***

Imagine a better world with all these things leveled up. I wonder if you can…

Just call me the video game hippie.

 

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December 8, 2013 · 6:30 pm

Help! I’m a Video Game Snail

video game snailVideo game snails are people who play games in a slow fashion.

Take a look at how I played Mass Effect 2. I started it in February and didn’t finish until a couple of months later. Yes, it’s a huge game, but I played through it at a snail’s pace.

I take my time playing games because life is busy. Family, friends, cooking, writing, reading, volunteering, biking, running, and all the other hobbies in my life take up time.

Other snails might have their own reasons for taking so much time to finish a game. Their interest in video games might wax and wane. They could be playing games for the first time. They might feel the need to collect everything and see the number “100%” pop up. Or maybe a pesky bird swooped down from the sky and tried to eat them. Who knows for sure?

But one thing is certain about snails: it takes them a while to cross the finish line in a game.

That’s One Fast Hedgehog!

Hedgehogs – like Sonic – are the opposite of snails. Hedgehogs race through the latest game so they can play the next one. They might finish video games, but they don’t stick around long after they’ve done everything.

Why are they so fast? I suspect hedgehogs want to play all the good games that come out during the year. Perhaps they crave variety to have fun.

***

So are you a snail or a hedgehog?

 

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November 24, 2013 · 10:39 pm

Interview: Generic Space Marine

Video game space marineWelcome back to my series of posts where I get up close and personal with video game characters. Inspired by Wreck-It-Ralph, I travel into video game worlds to interview their denizens.

For today’s interview, I traveled deep into the dark recesses of space until I stumbled upon a strange sight. It was half human and half machine. On top of its head was a massive helmet that almost weighed more than me. It wore a shade of generic green space marine armor. I was in awe.

On with the show.

***

Me: So you spend a lot of time in space. You say you just flew back from space to earth for this interview. Are your arms tired?

SM: That some kind of joke, punk? Let me tell you the story of a giggling joker ripped apart by alien lasers. He won’t laugh ever again.

Me: What were you doing in space?

SM: I took the fight to the alien home world. Stole some of their guns too and that really made their green blood boil.

Me: Have you been on any other missions lately?

SM: I did some covert ops, government cover ups, redacted files, blah, blah, blah. I’d tell you more but then I’d have to blast you.

(Cracks knuckles)

Me: Uh ok. Does it hurt when you are repeatedly shot during missions?

SM: Nah, my life is not the slightest bit realistic. I completed all my missions despite absorbing thousands of bullets. My eyes saw everything painted red, and my heart pounded so loud that passersby could hear it. But I mostly just walked it off or took cover and regained perfect health. Even when the damage became overwhelming, I’d get back up, dust off my shoulders and try again.

Me: Wow! Do you think medical science will ever let all of us just walk off illness? Could you hold the secret to curing all disease?

SM: How should I know bub. I’m just a space marine.

Me: How do you handle all this blood and killing? Do you ever get sick of it?

SM: Nah I love it! (Punches his fists together).

Wait (sheds a tear)… I – sometimes I long to bake cookies, skip through grassy meadows on warm spring days and pick up pretty purple flowers.

But it can be so lonely sometimes being a war machine. People don’t know that I find it hard to express my feelings, display emotions or show affection. Why, the other day, I picked up a flower but accidentally crushed it with my powerful grip.

I long to share my feelings, to take this mask off… I think it all goes back to the fact that my parents didn’t love me enough as a child. My dad was a cold space marine in the 8 bit days and my mom…

Ah what am I talking about! Delete that from the interview. I’ve got a persona to keep up. (Chomps freshly lit Cuban cigar and blows smoke into my face.)

Me: (cough, cough) Right… So you’ve appeared in a lot of games. Do you ever play them?

SM: Definitely not! And you shouldn’t either. They’re a waste of time and they kill brain cells. I’ve taken enough brain damage in the line of duty. Thank you very much. Oh, and don’t forget to buy my new game on Christmas.

Me: Ok, I think we’ve covered you’re games enough. Tell me what you like to do for fun?

SM: Take my tank for a stroll through the streets and shoot anyone who looks like a bad guy.

Me: That sounds like vigilante justice. What if they’re not a bad guy?

SM: Listen, pal, I’m not a detective here, alright? I don’t investigate everyone before I shoot. That wouldn’t make for a thrilling game. I also don’t come down to where you work and tell you what to do.

Me: How about loving and eating? How do you do that when your helmet is always on? Doesn’t it get dirty?

SM: You don’t want to know, pal.

Me: What’s it like being a space marine? I mean doesn’t it get lonely?

SM: Oh it gets so lonely sometimes that I want to cry. (Audible sniffles)

Me: Is that – Is that a tear running down your visor?

SM: No, no it’s nothing. Next question!

Me: Do you think about anything besides death?

SM: I’m programmed and hard-wired to focus on those.

Me: But do you have any free will or are just a digital killing machine?

SM: Whoa, whoa, whoa… don’t get all egghead on me.

Me: You’re not that bright. Are you?

SM: That’s it! I’ve had just about all I can handle of you. Come here so I can beat the living brains out of you.

(I run off. The interview ends)

So the space marine in your video game may seem invincible. But they might also have unresolved childhood issues, anger management and difficulty expressing emotion. Guess it’s not so great to be a space marine after all.

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