November 20, 2017 · 8:10 pm

The Great Video Game Crash of 2017

I was at home playing video games when I heard the terrible news. Truth be told, I was spread out on my couch, in my pajamas, holding a beer in one hand and tapping “X” as fast as my fingers would allow without blistering. Then I felt deep in my bones that something bad was about to happen. Some grave misfortune was looming and an eerie creaking sound, which made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, seemed to confirm this.

I tried to watch a little T.V. news to distract myself from this warning. Instead, the disaster, unbeknownst to me at that time, was already in motion as I glued my eyes to the screen. This disaster had an insidious history,  and I was about to experience it for the first time. And after watching the screen for one minute, I sensed — but still didn’t clearly see — that something was wrong.

I couldn’t believe the absolute chaos! First one fell, then another toppled, and I heard a cracking sound and thud before the entire structure collapsed. I felt a tremor on the ground, could feel the dust in the air and could see it on my shirt. The dust even clogged my nose, causing me to breathe through my mouth and cough.

I turned to my right and noticed my shelf full of video games had fallen over and cases littered the floor. Did you not hear me? All the games I had organized, even when feeling feverish, were now a disorganized mess. What a disaster!

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November 13, 2017 · 11:45 pm

If Video Games Had Pop-Up Ads

John couldn’t sit still and was on the edge of his seat as he reached the end of the game. This is his internal monologue.

***

I’ve slayed all the evil beasts who have gnarly, grimy claws in their smokey dens of inequities. I’ve restored peace throughout the kingdom, toppling the dragon tyrant from his throne of bones. And now I’ll open this door to save the princess.

[Squeak]

Yay! There she is.

“Oh, thank you dearest prince…”

Are you paying too much for car insurance? Click here to find out.

Hmmm maybe I am paying too much. I… Oh great! I missed everything she said.

Ugh! I guess I’ll just reload the save and try again. OK, a hack here and a slash there, and the dragon falls with a thud — again.

Call today to book your pest control appointment.

Well, I guess I have a lot of bugs in my apartment because I keep replaying this game instead of cleaning. Maybe I will give them a call to… No! I missed the ending again.

Alright, I scale the castle walls, swim the shark infested moat, raise my shield, hack, slash and thud again. Oh, rats, I spilled my Pepsi all over my new carpet. I’d better find something to wipe it up before my girlfriend kills me for ruining the rug. I told her I’d clean up my act.

1 weird trick to get rid of cola stains.

Hey, wait a minute here. How would the console know what I’m thinking, or could it be telling me what to think?

Quit asking so many questions and keep playing.

Ok, reload, scale the walls, swim moat, raise shield, hack, slash and thud again.

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November 5, 2017 · 7:10 pm

The Games We Play with Eachother

“First I’m going to chop down all of your trees, and use the lumber to build my palace. Then I’m going to pillage your castles and plunder all your loot from rickety, old treasure chests. I might leave you a few sheep if I’m feeling generous.”

Steve, clutching a controller on his couch, clicked a button to execute his cruel plan.

“You said you wouldn’t take my lumber! You always ruin the game”, said Susan. “That’s it; I’m leaving and you can play by yourself.”

Suddenly Susan swung open the door and a woosh of cold Fall air entered along with Maple leaves. Then the door slammed should. The game stopped.

Dave rounded the corner, entering the living room and furrowed his brow.

“What was that about? Why’s Susan so angry?” Dave asked.

“Ah, This is just the game we play while we’re playing this game. She’ll forgive me and come back to play more.”

“You sound pretty confident about that,” Dave replied.

“Yeah, look I’ve left her some sheep.”

 

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October 30, 2017 · 8:57 pm

Video Games Ate My Pizza

Once upon a time, there was a lovely little pizza who was piping hot to the touch. It sat on a table in front of a TV, smelled of the Mediterranean and teased others to eat. I know because I put it there and turned around for only a minute.

Burp!

Suddenly I turned towards the table and saw the pizza was gone. I immediately suspected the Jack-O’-Lantern sporting a mischievous smile. Yes, I had convinced myself it was that rotund, orange backstabber.  I could feel it laughing at me the entire time I searched the room over for a more plausible culprit, but there was none. Its big, stupid, googly eyes stared me down. Soft footsteps masking my hard-hearted intent, I inched closer to the traitor, intending to wreak my revenge.

Burp!

I turned around so fast that I nearly sprained my neck. There it was: a video game case slammed shut, but a piece of pepperoni stuck to the edge. The case’s tongue-like manual had retreated fast, but I swear there had been cheese on it.

I ran over to the case so quickly that the room shook until a priceless porcelain plate shattered on the floor.  I did not pay attention; I opened the case to discover nothing was there. I ripped open another case, cracked open a second and tore open yet another until there was a veritable tower of plastic. There was nothing! I almost collapsed because I was so exhausted from the ordeal.

As I walked upstairs for bedtime, I heard it again:

Burp!

And then I fell asleep.

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October 23, 2017 · 8:39 pm

Who Is Your Video Game Nemesis? Part II

They sit on your couch, eat your Cheetos and beat you at your own game. All they leave behind, before they leave, are a high score, your tears and crumbs.

Who are the people in your life who you love even though they beat you at video games?

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October 16, 2017 · 7:20 pm

Who Is Your Video Game Nemesis? Part I

What video game character thwarts your every attempt to beat the game? Who dares to challenge your title to master of the universe? Why do they make you grind your teeth until they are sharper than diamonds?

Share your stories. And share your strategy, if you dare.

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October 9, 2017 · 1:23 pm

What Makes A Video Game Good?

It’s the game’s willingness to stand up to evil. I mean, to stand in the face of evil, despite hot and stinky breath that manages to wilt beautiful faces.

It’s self-sacrificing love: understanding the other may be too tired to play.

It’s doing countless selfless acts, even those that seem insignificant, like helping an old lady cross the street. This includes stopping to pick up the cabbage she dropped and then letting ducklings cross the road.

It’s taking care of friends who are left on the shelf because no one wants to play with them.

It’s experiencing all that life has to offer, understanding the world, making good judgments and acting on them.

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October 2, 2017 · 9:18 pm

How Do You Make Time to Play Video Games?

What’s your secret? I’m sure many people on the internet would like to know.

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September 24, 2017 · 6:43 pm

You Can Save the World (And Here’s How to Do It)

By now, you’ve explored most of the world around you. You’ve probably loved many people and felt loved by others. You’ve probably experienced joys and sorrows, and highs and lows. I bet you feel like the world is worth saving. Here’s how to do it.

  1. Open the main menu.
  2. Scroll to the bottom of the menu.
  3. Click “save”, open a new file and click “confirm.”

That is all.

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September 18, 2017 · 11:33 pm

Don’t Go Out with A Whimper

Do you blog? I bet you do, and you know blogging is hard work. Sometimes you feel inspired and write well, and sometimes you sit down and stare at a white screen or page that taunts you. The unbearable brightness of the page sears your eyes, forcing you to look away. Bloggers must overcome these types of stumbling blocks to write well.

Writing well requires a balance between putting words on a page and everything else. One cannot spend forever on a post, forsaking life and love. A good balance allows a blogger to keep publishing posts, to feel proud of their work and not miss what’s happening in the world around them.

Some video game bloggers might find this balance difficult to achieve. Not only do they blog and live life to the fullest, but they also love to play video games. Should video game bloggers play for an hour and write for two? They might feel tempted to stop blogging and only play, or maybe they have the willpower and ability to do both and more.

If you decide to stop blogging, say goodbye before you leave. Too many video game bloggers disappear from the “blogosphere” without a trace. They’re like a once stunning star that dies, crumbles and leaves behind mere fragments of its awesomeness. The whole process is sad and a waste of energy.  If you’re leaving, please tell us about your plans for the future and maybe stop by for a visit.

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