May 9, 2016 · 12:10 am

Termination Letter from a Video Game Boss to a Henchman

You’d make an effective doormat.

How can I maximize my coins when you constantly shuffle in late to work and fail to destroy my enemies? I mean, you let the “good guy” and his loser brother stomp on you. Other times, you let them hop over you while you walk away in the opposite direction.

When the good guy jumps over you, you should pursue him to the next level, but you don’t. You just sit there and don’t even warn the other henchmen to attack the incoming enemy. Your communication skills leave much to be desired.

Your coworkers find it hard to both talk and work with you because you have such a bad attitude. We see you have a permanent frown painted on your face and you stick out your fangs all the time like some of kind mean, land lubbing walrus. I expect more from my henchman.

I’ve only kept you at the company this long because I have a serious shortage of skilled labour. The “good guy” has squished too many of my most hard-working and loyal henchmen. How I wish he could have squished you in their place.

I’m sorry, but you can no longer be one of my henchman. Good day!

Sincerely,

Mr. Evil Boss

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May 3, 2016 · 2:14 am

7 Signs You’re a Non Gamer

1. You vaguely recall seeing swarms of people packed into dimly lit arcades in days gone by. You’re sure they always had their quarters ready to start a new game. One day, years later, you see a “Games” folder on your computer and start jamming quarters into the disc tray.

2. You heard about an advertisement for “gamer fuel.” You decided to get some for your new console. So you went down to the station to get some gasoline.

3. Your friends say they decided to skip work to play the latest AAA video game. You thought a AAA game had something to do with getting a  broken down car out of the mud.

4. Your friends grab the magic mushrooms in Mario games and encourage you to do the same. You’re afraid the mushrooms are wild, deadly and possibly psychedelic. And you’re pretty sure this is peer pressure.

5. You spend more time playing with the box that your console came in than with the console itself. You might also be a baby — babies are known to do this after all.

6. You thought the disc tray in a video game console was a coaster.

7. When your friend said he loved to play with Mario and Luigi, you thought he loved spending time with your Italian cousins.

What other signs are there that one is a non gamer?

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April 24, 2016 · 11:49 pm

When Technology Lets You Down

Outside, young bodies were in motion on a day so sunny that sunglasses and smiles were mandatory. Everyone rode bicycles, roller-bladed and seemed to celebrate.

It’s broken.

Outside, a child ran, skipped and munched loudly on sweet corn on the cob.

It’s broken.

Outside, people danced, popped open champagne bottles and roared with laughter.

It’s broken!

Indoors, the insides of the box stopped working. My video game console wheezed, coughed and croaked last generation. Future generations: don’t put your faith in technology.

What’s the worst problem you’ve ever had with a video games console?

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April 17, 2016 · 10:23 pm

Why Blogging Brings Me Joy

I love making strangers happy. Who’s a stranger? The authors of blogs I follow and the blogs who follow me; I don’t know the authors personally. Yet we’ve come to know  each other, without ever meeting, through words alone.

I’m content knowing that my posts make these strangers smile, make them think, and even when my writing makes them sleep. But sometimes I’m more than content; I can be downright happy writing for strangers.  I’m happy to set off a spark in others that ignites into a burning passion to share their love with the world.  In other words, I’m joyous when my post inspires people to write about something they love.That love might be video games, or some very different subject.

Even if these other bloggers don’t love video games, I’m happy when they learn more about playing video games from reading my blog. At the very least, I hope my writing forces some people to face and overcome any prejudices they may have about video games and gamers. Perhaps they’ll apply that lesson about overcoming prejudice elsewhere in life. And, maybe on top of that deep reflecting, my writing might just add a pinch of fun to their otherwise sleepy lives.

How great it is to have a positive impact in people’s lives!

 

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April 10, 2016 · 11:07 pm

If Video Game Glitches Occurred in Life

What happens when you bump into a glitch while walking around in a video game?  You might lose interest even if you previously felt like you couldn’t stop playing. You might throw your controller if the glitch breaks your game. Or you might laugh. And maybe there’s other reactions you can name. But what if video game glitches happened in your life?

Yes, you’d react with surprise to such a startling discovery. Then maybe you’d react with anger, laughter, joy or disgust, and more just like you would in a game. Let’s look  closer at some case studies.

1. Your hammer winds up to knock the final nail into your spice rack. Alas your innocent thumb stands in the way with nothing to save it from the pain. Then the glitch strikes: the hammer freezes. The tool has spared your poor thumb the pain of a savage wallop. “Thank you video games for invading my life,” you think, “you make everything better, including stupid mistakes.”

2. You’re stuck in the middle of an awkward social situation, say arguing with a difficult person. There’s no time for a graceful exit here, no sir. Should you bow out now or dig in for a futile battle?

Naturally, you jump over 1000 feet into the air while slowly twirling, and then you land without a thud next to your car in the parking lot. I guess you didn’t know your own strength. Or maybe the Skyrim-like glitch helped.

3. A massive meteor, with the potential to make the dinosaur extinction look like a warmup, is looming over the planet. The meteor threatens to flatten everything into pancakes. And then it does.

Except you survive and go on to play years worth of video games. Okay, maybe one of the hairs on your head ripped out during impact. Wait, on closer inspection, it seems collision detection was working for everyone but you. Someone up there is looking out for you.

5.  You go to the store to buy video games. But what’s this? You open your dusty wallet only to find cobwebs in place of crisp bills.

Open it again 52 times while jumping and occasionally doing somersaults. Now that same wallet is overflowing with generic video game gold coins — and some chocolate ones too. In fact, you’re bank account value is stuck at $9999 and that number never dips. Thanks video games!

What video game glitches do you wish occurred in life?

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April 3, 2016 · 3:37 pm

5 Things I Wish I had More Time for

1. I wish I had more time to write stories, but I get distracted by the activities mentioned in this post.

2. Video games. Oh, boy, do I ever love them!

3. Writing cool lists and sharing them with others.

4. Blog posts. Sometimes I never finish.

5.

I sat down to finish this post but…. Oh great a packed sink and dishwasher mean there’s no clean dishes left. Bummer! I’d clean them now but I’m so sleepy, could use a nap. Yeah, a nap will help me finish this post but better do dishes first.

Maybe I’ll finish if I pad this post with “blah blah blah”; then I’ll reach the minimum word count, like an elementary school essay. But that won’t work. Argh! Will I ever finish?

 

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March 27, 2016 · 3:27 pm

3 Wishes of an Immature Gamer

Once upon a time, there was a magical video game console that descended from the heavens to grant three wishes. It landed, for no apparent reason, in one young man’s living room in suburban North America. The young man rubbed his eyes until they opened, rushed out of bed in the middle of the night and investigated the scene in his living room. The console stroked the gray hairs on his long beard, and he explained he was there to grant three wishes. “Wish wisely, though,” the old said console, “for there is no going back once you wish make these wishes.”

First, the young man, his stomach grumbling, spoke about improving the  technological capabilities of video game consoles. “You know, it’s great that video game consoles can play games and watch movies and stuff, but that’s not enough. I need something more”.  As he spoke, his tummy now roared, “I want a video game console that also makes piping hot pizza! I can’t be bothered to make one.”

The wise console sighed. “Very well. I suppose I must… Your wish is my command.” The disc tray of the old console popped open and out came a mouth-watering pizza. “Awesome!” the young man exclaimed.

Second, the young man looked around his living room at the mounds of paper work that resembled mountain peaks. He gestured toward the paper mountains and said, “Can you, like, make all of this disappear? Can you do my taxes because I guess I want to appear responsible.”

The old console cocked his head, lowered one eyebrow and squinted as he sized up the young man. “Sure… I  guess… Your wish is my command.”

Third, the young man thought of all the horrible atrocities in world affairs that had depressed him. “And”, he said, “I wish that we could love one another no matter where we live, no matter what our background,  and no matter what our religion or lack thereof. Nobody deserves to die, and I hope that we can all live to do good and to help one another to be at our best.”

The wise old console’s mouth fell open and he felt a sudden electrical shock surge through his component cables. After closing his mouth and scratching his head, he displayed a kind of pixelated smile on the TV screen. “Very well indeed”, he said enthusiastically, “your wish is my command. Now let’s go out and live that way.”

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March 20, 2016 · 11:12 pm

Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo Declare Peace

The Great Console War Comes to an End

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! The Big Three sue for peace. And I mean the Big Three because when they sit down to negotiate they take up five couches each.

Yesterday at 12 o’clock noon, the guns stopped firing. All sides shut down their massive propaganda machines. At first, it didn’t seem like the machines would stop, but they soon ran out of grease.

The factory assembly lines fell silent too. Workers put down their scorching torches and went outside to breathe fresh for the first time in years. The workers’ hammers ceased hitting nails while the Big Three hammered out a deal .

The cessation of hostilities and new-found peace could not conceal the ugly hatred in some gamers’ hearts. These gamers, spewing venom at the other side and foaming at the mouth, wanted to finish the fight. Other gamers, their loyalty to console makers stretched to the breaking point, cried with joy: the war was over for them. Life could go on.

A representative for the Big Three said: “We recommend that our millions of fans go back to their lives before the war. Enjoy video games. Enjoy life. Above all, let us learn from the mistakes of the past and build a better world.”

It remains unclear how the Big Three will enforce this peace.

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March 10, 2016 · 9:28 pm

Take Me to Video Game Land

I finished all that boring work that made me feel like I was trapped. And I’m over a nasty case of bronchitis. I’m thrilled all of that is behind me, but I’m even more thrilled about the prospects awaiting me. Onward I will go to Video Game Land¹ and all the joy that comes with play!

Oh, and my first act upon returning to the throne of Video Game Land shall be to address age old blog comments. Sorry for the delay.

¹ Note: not an actual land.

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November 20, 2015 · 3:52 pm

I’ll Be Back

Hello fellow video game players and everyone who loves to read!

I’ll be quite busy over the next couple of months. I’ll be rescuing pretty princesses from the claws of slimy reptiles. Wait! No, that was just some video game I was dreaming about playing.

Oh, dreaming! Alas! It seems that is where my game playing is relegated to these days.

But fear not, dear friends, for I will be playing soon and this blog will resume. To be exact, expect to see this blog re-bloom on March 10, 2016.

Until then!

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