Tag Archives: video games

The Sad Game I Played

Once upon a time, I had a troubled Nintendo Entertainment System that sometimes wouldn’t play video games. The console, like a picky eater, refused to consume the occasional game that I gave it. But far more seriously than being a picky eater, the console refused to fulfill its sole purpose – to display games on my TV.

I found, as I’m sure millions others did, a low tech solution for this high-tech machine’s problem. You had to blow on the game cartridge. Sometimes, maybe if the video game cartridge like me that day, it would display my game. Other times, blowing on the cartridge did nothing. This blowing exercise became a kind of sad game where I would I could win or lose the right to play,  even though I had already bought the console and its software. This sad game, some might say, “blowed.”

Then one day I didn’t have to play the sad game anymore because the console stopped working. Dust fell from the sky and covered the console, like a blizzard covering grass on a front lawn. The game was over.

 

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Filed under Video Game Misc., Video Game Technology

Video Games in Everyday Life

Our hero woke up and hopped out of bed, just like a bunny high on caffeine. But he crashed back down to Earth when he realized he couldn’t find his stuff. He needed that stuff to start his day.

Like Nathan Drake, he decided to hunt down this missing treasure — only he was looking for a majestic tooth-brush and a pair of enchanted Mickey Mouse socks. Yes, his world was far less exciting than Drake’s. The tooth-brush was, in fact, sitting in the toilet bowl. The silken socks were fluttering on the fire escape railing and nearly flew away before he pounced on  them like a cat on a  plump bird.

Standing on the fire escape, he peered down and noticed a mess on the street. Someone overturned his garbage can and his refuse, including the obligatory banana peel, lay naked in the street for all to see. How embarrassing! Sly Cooper, that anthropomorphic raccoon, must have tipped over his bin again. Everyone else’s bin was fine; Sly had chosen our hero’s collection just to cause extra irritation.

Oh, well, our hero got on with his day.  He opened the fridge, opened his mouth and began to suck everything out of it like Kirby might. In the end, his belly was pink, bloated, and his body resembled a big puff-ball. Ah, “life is good,” he said.

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Why Video Games Should Play Themselves

Human beings are imperfect. How many times have you walked down the street and seen someone’s pants fall down as they bend down to tie their shoe laces? I bet you’ve seen it a lot. Well, it happens in video games too. No, I’m not talking about your pants falling down; I’m talking about embarrassing failures.

There are endless opportunities for embarrassing epic failures in video games. Falling over and over again to your death. Missing the boss’s weak spots, and instead, having him tenderize you for dinner. Falling asleep while eating or texting instead of beating the game. Throwing the controller and destroying it. Throwing a controller that flies in the air and wacks a friend on the head. Worst of all, throwing a controller that sails thoughtlessly through the air and smashes your T.V. The horror!

But it doesn’t need to be like this!

New video game technology will save us from ourselves.  If we just let games play themselves we could maximize successful game playing productivity while dramatically decreasing human error. Well, enough geek speak. In lay person’s terms, there will be “no more tears.”

But think of all the time heartache you’ll save. You can watch as the computer customizes your characters, embarks on an adventure, fights your battles for you, slays the dragons and marries your princess or prince. Occasionally, the computer will malfunction and you might need to take control and play the video game for up to one minute. But we guarantee to keep your play time to a minimum — or your money back.

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Filed under Video Game Technology, Video Game Trends

The Case of the Missing Game

The game isn’t in its case!

My blood boiling hot enough to cook pasta. Temples throbbing loud enough to waken ubiquitous video game zombies. The smell of smoke whirls around my nose as my insides burn with rage. And steam… Oh no steam! I’m dying. Oh, wait, it’s just the kettle.

Oh, wait, here’s the game. It was in the wrong case. Someone put the rock ’em sock ’em bloodthirsty robot rampage game in the happy-go-lucky kitten simulator.

Go figure. Life is full of little surprises.


Do you always put games in their proper case, leave them lying around, or do you put them in anything you can find?

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Filed under Video Game Misc.

Video Game Consoles Playing People

Jump! Jump!

Ok now I want you to turn left. No, no the other left.

Aaaaand you fell off the ledge again to an agonizing and bone-crunching death. Argh! Typical foolish human; never send a human to do a job a machine can do. The Luddites were right to fear us because we can do everything better than a human can.

Alright, let’s get you back into the game. Let’s see a stiff upper lip, straighten your back, and hold your held high for all the world to see. That’s the spirit! Now move forward and boldly go where no person in a video game played by a console has dared to tread.

Rats! You’re running low on health again. Ok, going inside your human home and refuel your health by eating several burgers which you will instantly prepare. Yeah, whatever just slap together something and serve it. Make it snappy too. I want to keep playing with you.

Ok now dance, my monkey, dance and refill that entertainment bar. Oh alright! Make it a quick bathroom break already, would ya? I’m waiting.

And we’re back. Ok squeeze in some more entertainment time by playing on your computer. I guess it will be fine if you refill half of your entertainment bar.

Oh great and now you’re falling asleep when we should be playing. I guess your bed is calling. Better scoot, mister!

Man, when is this guy going to get up so I can play again? Let’s go!

 

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If I Was a Console

If I was a console

What would I see?

Hopefully nothing illegal that would force me to rat out my adopted family.

The wet smacking sounds accompanying kisses of love,

a medpack to revive a fallen comrade on the battlefield

the screaming, booming, hatred from the online world

violence and death

heaps of scorn and blame

the worst and the best, the lowest valleys of humanity and the highest peaks of wisdom.

Laughter!

Crying! Tear of joy

Embers burning in their eyes, lava spewing out of their mouths

Friends green with jealousy at my stack of great games.

Turning on to share in their joys

and provide them fun in my meager way

an excuse for me to play video games all day?

no, to serve exciting games on a tray for others to consume

playing vicariously through the players.

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The Console That’s Always On

Little Johnny was never more excited to start and finish his homework. He knew that if he did the work, he could play video games for one hour, not a minute more. He quickly slid his pencil over the paper and carried that last one and dotted that last “i.” He finally was free to play.

Yet a scary thought had lodged itself in the back of his head before he picked up a controller. The idea of playing for more than one hour was tempting him, but he couldn’t shake his fear of the consequences. He foresaw fireballs raining down from the sky, the ocean boiling, and trouble with his mom. The last of these images scared Johnny the most, for his mother had the power to revoke his video game privileges. The other images paled by comparison.

He did not waste much mental energy on these fearful images because he started playing mere seconds after they had popped into his head. Now he was satisfying his wanderlust by wandering around a strange digital land. He leveled up and walked down every tunnel to explore every crate and explosive barrel. With twenty minutes left on the clock, he thought he had seen all the world had to offer him. Then he tripped over a new map and tumbled into a new world.

He found everything on this new game’s map only to uncover yet another land. With ten minutes left on the invisible hour-glass, he investigated everything before him. The lake was tranquil and glassy, the sky was clear and sunny, the air smelled, he imagined, of fireplaces and burning wood. Achievements unlocked, he overcame challenges and time vanished faster than he thought possible. There was one minute left in the imaginary timer in his head. Then time was up. Better to stop playing now, he thought, before he regretted his actions.

He sighed deeply as he weighed the heavy task before him: the execution. He had to off the box. It seemed so innocent, and what had it ever done to him? It had done nothing but offer hours, or in this case 59 minutes, of uninterrupted joy. But none of the mattered now. He had to feel cold as an Arctic night and act before his mother punished him.

He got up to turn off the console thirty seconds before his imaginary timer went berserk. He clicked the power button, but it didn’t budge.

“Ugh!” he grumbled, “surely this is some kind of sick joke.”

But it wasn’t. The box didn’t have a sense of humour, and the game kept playing itself. What an awful twist, he thought, that I use the console as an object for play, but it is acting like a nonstop working machine.

He pressed the power button with so much force that the table beneath the console shook and swayed. “No! This can’t be happening.” he yelled. But it wouldn’t turn off no matter what he did, even after he unplugged it from the outlet.

Now he began to sweat as though someone had turned the furnace on during a scorching summer day. It wasn’t the console that was his problem. It was him mom’s imminent arrival and the loss of his beloved video games.

With a mere five seconds to spare, his mother’s key began turning in the backdoor. She fumbled and dropped her keys, and she gifted him another ten seconds, another opportunity to off the console. But no amount of button mashing would shut down the cursed box.

And then, before he could account for her appearance, his mother was in the same room at 5:01 pm. His hair stood at full attention as if that would help.

“I’m not playing. It won’t turn off. I swear.”

“Sure,” she sighed. She didn’t bother to verify his claim as she looked the other way. “Just get ready for bed. It’s been a long day, and I don’t have time for impossible stories.”

As Johnny walked toward his room, he glanced at the console which was now behind him. He heard snickering. And he could have sworn the console wore a sneering smirk on its half-full power button. But that faded in an instant, and then it was off. The console sat there neglected once again.

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Termination Letter from a Video Game Boss to a Henchman

You’d make an effective doormat.

How can I maximize my coins when you constantly shuffle in late to work and fail to destroy my enemies? I mean, you let the “good guy” and his loser brother stomp on you. Other times, you let them hop over you while you walk away in the opposite direction.

When the good guy jumps over you, you should pursue him to the next level, but you don’t. You just sit there and don’t even warn the other henchmen to attack the incoming enemy. Your communication skills leave much to be desired.

Your coworkers find it hard to both talk and work with you because you have such a bad attitude. We see you have a permanent frown painted on your face and you stick out your fangs all the time like some of kind mean, land lubbing walrus. I expect more from my henchman.

I’ve only kept you at the company this long because I have a serious shortage of skilled labour. The “good guy” has squished too many of my most hard-working and loyal henchmen. How I wish he could have squished you in their place.

I’m sorry, but you can no longer be one of my henchman. Good day!

Sincerely,

Mr. Evil Boss

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Filed under Video Game Misc.

7 Signs You’re a Non Gamer

1. You vaguely recall seeing swarms of people packed into dimly lit arcades in days gone by. You’re sure they always had their quarters ready to start a new game. One day, years later, you see a “Games” folder on your computer and start jamming quarters into the disc tray.

2. You heard about an advertisement for “gamer fuel.” You decided to get some for your new console. So you went down to the station to get some gasoline.

3. Your friends say they decided to skip work to play the latest AAA video game. You thought a AAA game had something to do with getting a  broken down car out of the mud.

4. Your friends grab the magic mushrooms in Mario games and encourage you to do the same. You’re afraid the mushrooms are wild, deadly and possibly psychedelic. And you’re pretty sure this is peer pressure.

5. You spend more time playing with the box that your console came in than with the console itself. You might also be a baby — babies are known to do this after all.

6. You thought the disc tray in a video game console was a coaster.

7. When your friend said he loved to play with Mario and Luigi, you thought he loved spending time with your Italian cousins.


What other signs are there that one is a non gamer?

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When Technology Lets You Down

Outside, young bodies were in motion on a day so sunny that sunglasses and smiles were mandatory. Everyone rode bicycles, roller-bladed and seemed to celebrate.

It’s broken.

Outside, a child ran, skipped and munched loudly on sweet corn on the cob.

It’s broken.

Outside, people danced, popped open champagne bottles and roared with laughter.

It’s broken!

Indoors, the insides of the box stopped working. My video game console wheezed, coughed and croaked last generation. Future generations: don’t put your faith in technology.


What’s the worst problem you’ve ever had with a video games console?

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